AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

I dread either of my sons meeting a woman like you 🤦🏼‍♀️

It’s awful to exclude your husband’s parents after welcoming your siblings to visit. I could perhaps understand if it was just your parents helping your recovery, but it sounds like you’ve had a pretty standard birth with a health baby. You’re being unfair.

In the gentlest way @hello1999 you are being overly dramatic, which is understandable having just given birth and horniness doing rhe crazy dance.

But please rethink your position. Whilst they shouldn't have text you, there are right. They are your baby's family just as much as your own family are.

Had you said it was just your mum I would have more sympathy, but having siblings over for dinner and visiting whilst banning your dh's family is really mean.

Understand you’re probably a first time mum and probably overwhelmed by this massive change in your life. Your in-laws are not doing themselves any favours being so self obsessed.

Maybe consider this to be the first entry into the family for your baby. It’s such a shame to make what is such a joyous occasion for everyone into anything other.

God, what is it with all these “poor delicate new mum” posts. She has given birth not had a lobotomy. Most of the people reading this thread will have been new mums at some point and also been capable of not being mean. That’s what her behaviour is, it’s not even just selfish, it’s unkind and if I’m honest I suspect it’s very much deliberate to put the in laws in their place.

I've given birth twice with substantial injuries and awful recovery and agree entirely with the PPs post. She is BU.

I agree with this.

@hello1999 it’s cruel to your H too, it’s souring his relationship with his own parents. That’s not okay even if he says it’s fine, he understands etc.. I’m surprised your own mother hasn’t told you your behaviour isn’t acceptable.

For your sake I'd have them round for a quick cuddle and have a shower/nap. This is going to get bigger and bigger until you deal with it.

A week isn't going to make you feel much less tired or sore or anxious tbh, whereas their resentment will grow enormously. When you do see them, it will be way more awkward and you won't have the 'jusy given birth," reason for not being very sociable.

Get it over with, keep the peace, there might be times you appreciate your family and your ILs being on good terms, it's worth it.

I think wanting to be in a PFB bubble and not want to see anyone for a week is fine, as yeah, giving birth is exhausting! But the fact that the OP let HER family see the baby and not her husband's family is just not on IMO.

As I said, no wonder so many people want daughters and not sons. At least one or two daughters anyway!

Midwife advised me. Don't get dressed, nightwear advised for 10 days. Let them have a quick look see, then apologies but you have to feed baby now. And off you pop off as soon as you wish.

And would you plan on being like OP’s MIL & SIL & sending a barrage of nasty texts like they did? Who does that to a new mum?

This is so upsetting to read, you are being unnecessarily cruel to the baby's other grandparents. Of course they want to see and perhaps cuddle their new granddaughter.
Being post partum and hormonal is no excuse for outright hostility.

I totally agree. If I were DH I’d already be planning my exit strategy. Life is too short to be pandering to nonsense like this.

He doesn’t really get a choice in that though does he?

If he was expecting OP to be beautifully dressed, in full make up & hosting his parents I would agree. But they just want to meet their grandchild. OP doesn’t even need to be in the room.

Op you and your dh have had a baby. Ye are a team. As people have suggested let your dh handle the visit or in 5 years you’ll be one of us mums who wonders why their dh didn’t do the lions share and wondering where the love has gone. Tag team it x

Yes it is mean spirited to block the grandparents visiting their grandchild while allowing your preferred set of grandparents to visit multiple times.

I think the level of contact you’ve had with your family makes you be a bit unreasonable. Probably not so much if they had had a fleeting visit, but to have same day visit, over for a meal and your parents staying it feels a tad miserable to say your in laws can’t even pop in.

I don’t have GC yet, but as a mum of boys only, I really hope I’m not treated like this (although I then wouldn’t send shitty texts!)

I think people are being a bit harsh too honestly, but you can’t make a thread like this and expect everyone to agree with you.

You’re freshly postpartum so it’s normal to feel hormonal and delicate. It’s normal to want your baby close to you.

Having said that, is it a big deal to have in-laws round for half an hour or so to hold the baby? Your DH needs to take the lead with hosting. You could take 15mins to have a shower and then just have a cup
of tea with them or something.

Giving an opinion that OP is being UR if that’s what someone thinks is ok. Using upsetting, strong, hurtful language as several posters have done, is not. And completely uncalled for to a new mother struggling post-partum.

It is fascinating to think of the dichotomy of on one hand, new mothers being exhausted and run ragged and doing everything on their own with no help while still in recovery from serious physical trauma, not even having time to finish their plate or drink tea while it's hot or wash their hair, which is rightly and generally seen as a scandal because that's a shit situation for anyone to be in, and then on the other side there's "they'd have to crowbar my baby off me, I won't part with her even for 5 minutes".

I wonder how long it takes Group B to turn into Group A, on average.

It's quite a fortunate position to be in, to have wider family who want to be involved and help. Even if all they do is hold the baby for 30 minutes so you can eat or shower or even just have ten minutes to yourself. I wouldn't squander that, if it were me. But everyone is different.

I hope you don’t ever ask your in-laws for anything. They raised your husband, they are his parents fgs. They are your children’s grandparents. And you won’t even afford them an hour to come for a cup of tea to meet their son’s child? Wow.

My ex and I split before I gave birth. I have his parents over to visit in the hospital, and to my home. Because they’re my children’s grandparents.

Family must mean nothing to you and your husband. It’s really disgusting. No one is saying you need to spend an afternoon or day with them. But an hour to meet their baby? When your family have been allowed right in. It’s such a horrible way to treat family.

You had a baby. Most people on this forum have done that. It’s really not a world stopping event. You don’t treat family like this.

Its a good job you had a girl, god forbid you had a boy and your son and daughter in law did this to you. Nobody likes being away from their newborn baby... Having family round is not being away from your baby.

No they shouldn’t have done that. But maybe there is some truth to it. Although for their DSs sake they should have said nothing.

Congrats on the baby! TBH you're being mean to your in-laws. You've written that all your close family came to hospital. Now you've got your parents staying for 2 weeks and your siblings also came round for a nice meal tonight. Meanwhile you're not even allowing the other grand parents to meet their grandchild? That's harsh. Sorry but it's actually a bit mean. If you dont want to store up trouble, you really need to reel back.

I don’t like my in-laws very much. I really didn’t feel up to hosting them post partum. But they popped around for an hour or so on the day we left hospital (after a one night stay) because that was the right thing to do when my parents also came that day.

Have a bit of empathy. And think about how you might feel if your second child is a boy, and you are shut out as a grandparent because his partner’s family are more important.

Congratulations on your new baby.

But seeing as you asked, imo you are being grossly unfair. Unless they are smokers or doused in litres of perfume, let them meet their grandchild. You can be sleeping for an hour. You're really setting things up to keep them separate and upset.