AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

I remember feeling this way when DS was a baby, though I did allow the in laws to visit. You just want to be glued to your precious new arrival and around people you feel most safe with. In hindsight I regret not being more generous and I hope any future daughter in law would be less grudging than I was because it would kill me to be shut out if my child had a child. I am also sorry that DS did not get to have a relationship he will remember with my in laws, who died when he was still a baby. I still cherish the memories of my own paternal grandmother and aunt. If you can get over the reluctance for your baby please do, for her sake as well as your in laws.

Also I hate the ‘it’s his baby too’ thing because yes, it is but HE didn’t push it out of his body. HE isn’t still bleeding while his uterus contracts back into shape. HE isn’t dealing with postpartum hormones rattling around like a rollercoaster inside him. HE isn’t trying to breastfeed etc. it’s not as easy as saying jog it off love, she just gave birth!!!

This

That’s not surprising; you’re clearly uninterested in what OP might think or feel reading your nasty response.

Just horrible.

In the hospital, you are a patient so what you say goes. No visitors you don't want. At home, it is only fair that they get to visit the child but it should be on your terms: for the time and type and length that works for you. Reserve the right to retreat for a feed and/ or nap whenever it suits.

Or ignore this - it's just an opinion, just like the person they are responding to.

I think you know exactly what you are doing and you have your new mum shield to exert as much control and power over your husband against his own family. The joy of your lovely new baby is just being weaponised. You know what you are doing - you can course correct but I doubt you will. There’s a chance for shared joy and love and connection with a new baby - you’re not choosing that.

YABVU. I get it, I didn’t want my in laws round right away whereas I had no issues with my family coming. But the key point is that they are your baby’s family, his/her blood relatives. They have equal rights to see the baby as your family and it’s important that you are fair from the off. Obviously don’t feel that you have to see them and definitely don’t wait on them hand and foot, but let your husband introduce his family to his child, it is cruel not to. Imagine if your husband had tried to stop your family from coming around.

Have your parents or siblings questioned the fact that you haven't let them hold the baby yet or leave her with them for 5 minutes while you go to toilet or have a shower or are they completely accepting of the fact you can't be apart from her and will have to wait some weeks to hold her?

You are the one that gets to call the shots. Any MIL/SIL should be entirely understanding of this and wait to be invited. The expectation and entitlement is galling. To call a new mum selfish 2 days post partum is disgusting and a terrible way to start a relationship with you. They'd be waiting longer than a week if it were me. I suspect these negative posters are bitter MILS who never made the cut (for obvious reasons...clearly). No new mum should be asked to leave a baby while relatives cuddle the newborn. You do what you feel comfortable with and what's right for you and YOUR baby. I also wouldn't want lots of cuddles with relatives. The sort of relatives that demand such cuddles are the same ones that probably wouldn't wash their hands before they held the baby, and still visit if they were unwell. Disgusting

I think you're being a bit controlling, rude and precious. These people might not be YOUR close family, but they are your husband's close family. His parents are just as much grandparents as your parents are. I think it's a bit cruel to let them wait a week to see the baby. Your excuse is that you're in pain - yeah, like literally any other woman who's given birth. I'm quite sure your in-laws are aware of what you've been through, and don't expect you to host a 7-course dinner. They just want to see the baby.

Some awful responses on this thread. YANBU at all OP to ask for a few days at all to see your DH’s family. You’re asking for a few days, not a few weeks, to compose yourself. My family visited whilst I was still in hospital, my in laws came after about 10 days. Their GC was still brand new, it took nothing away from them, but I absolutely needed a few days to get myself out of my PJs and ready to see people other than my immediate family.

Bit dramatic, did you read a different OP to me. She's asked them to wait a week.

Did the post you read say she'd told them to fuck off to the far end of beyond and never come back and they'll never clap eyes on their grandchild, won't even know the kids name.

Now that would be absurdly cruel.

But no one is asking the op to entertain the in laws. She can rest all she needs. They are asking to see their grandchild.

Have a nap and let them meet them! In complete honesty, you’ll be feeling way worse in a week due hormones crashes and sleep deprivation, letting them see the baby now is actually easier imo.

One night in hospital isn't that bad. I had over a week and still managed to permit my in-laws to visit.

This is so so so unfair on her husband and her in-laws. They (rightly) won't forget it and hope they tell her to do one when she wants childcare in a couple of years.

Shes had her time with her family, let them in for an hour or so. It's really not that hard.

I can understand how you feel, but I can also see why it might be upsetting for your in-laws. When my brother-in-law and his wife came to visit our newborn, I was completely exhausted and in bed because it was the evening, so my husband handled the visit. I try to remind myself that one day I'll be the mother-in-law, and I know I'd be hurt if I felt sidelined.

However, the fact that they have labelled a new mother 'selfish, is horrible. If they are generally like this, I get what you don't want them near.

I sort of understood and sympathised but than i read your replies and feel like your being a bit ridiculous. People have suggested letting them visiting and you having a nap/shower and your response was you dont like your baby being away from you. So your not napping or showering? Your baby will be downstairs with your husband and both sets of grandparents who both have equal relationship to your child

I sort of understood and sympathised but than i read your replies and feel like your being a bit ridiculous. People have suggested letting them visiting and you having a nap/shower and your response was you dont like your baby being away from you. So your not napping or showering? Your baby will be downstairs with your husband and both sets of grandparents who both have equal relationship to your child

I'm not a MIL either and very much remember being post partum. I have a lot of sympathy for OP - it's a crazy and completely overwhelming time and you look back on it and you know you weren't really yourself. But it's still very unkind to behave this way to your husband's family.

Gently, I know you don't feel great, but they want to meet their grandchild/niece. They are not expecting you to entertain them, they just want to squish their lovely new baby relative.
Choose if you want to avoid them and snooze/shower while your husband hosts them, or if you want to sit on the sofa close to your newborn while they pop over for a cup of tea while your parents go amd get supplies in or go for a walk.
But don't keep them at bay for a week if they are not awful people.

Congratulations and I hope you’re recovering well.

I think it is quite awful not to allow your husband’s family to meet the new relation. I don’t understand why your husband is ok with it, so perhaps there is something in the family dynamics that is off.

But if there is no prior problematic behaviour from your in-laws, then I think it is quite cold to make them wait a week.

Another one. Have you a complete absence of empathy? Have you given birth yourself? Because I find it hard to believe you’d type a response like this if you had.

@hello1999 I hope you have hidden this or are going to, hopefully some posts helped you but you don’t need any more upset from some mean-spirited posts. Enjoy your new baby!