AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

God I hope my boys dont marry women like you @hello1999

I understand why people think OP is being a bit unreasonable (with all the details of the set-up, I do too).

But I think we do need to remember the OP is a new mum and feeling vulnerable and emotional.

I think it is one thing to point things out to her to contextualise and try to move the situation forward, and another to insult her.

If I were your DH it would have been non-negotiable. He is weak.

He might need support. He’s also got a new baby and he’s supporting you, what’s to say he might not like or need support from his family? If you’d of put a blanket ban on everyone then I’d say yanbu but it’s unfair on your DH. Of course he’s not going to tell his freshly postpartum wife she’s unreasonable

Who wouldn't love an abusive husband ordering his wife around with no care for her choices and well being.

your husband is ok with this. You are not in the wrong here.

Months? They are being asked to visit in a few days. And her DH is fine with that and has a right to see his (seemingly difficult) family when they choose.

I can’t imagine being the OP’s DM in this situation and having 2 whole weeks with baby cuddles, agreeing with OP that other grandma can’t even have one cuddle. Especially when OP’s siblings are also having extensive time too. I can imagine supporting her and making the visit work but unless there are extenuating circumstances (which there don’t appear to be) I would be encouraging her to let MIL (as a grandma) meet her grandchild)

when the question always come, why do MIL have such a bad rep

They should just read this thread. The pile up from rude, abusive, entitled and unreasonable posters is astonishing.

Not a care given to the mental or physical health of a new mother (it's been 2 DAYS, not 6 months or years!), it's petulant child "If SHE (the mother of the OP) has the baby, I am entitled to have it too".

Who cares what is best for the new mum (and for the newborn) it's all about ME the MIL!!

It's unreal.

It’s 50% his baby. She can stay out the way if she wants.

I agree. My mum went to collect my mother in law on at least one occasion when I first came home bwcause she didn’t driver.

Congratulations op

Seems entirely reasonable to me.
If my MIL just had surgery where she was bleeding couldn't walk etc would I be put out she felt more comfortable with her sister or daughter than me as her DIL? Nope I'd completely get that.

The inlaws are thinking about themselves and the fact there is a baby. You are that newborns whole world right now the best thing everyone can do is look after you in whatever way that needs to be done. Sometimes thats by staying away and not putting pressure or stress on you.

One day I might be a MIL and grandparent and I will be respecting whatever wishes are asked of me because its not all about me.

While I disagree with you overall, I think this is a valid point. For your parents.

But where you fall down is having other family members there also. And having a family dinner. With only half the family there and excluding husband/new father's family.

Plus there is a big difference between having them stay and a short visit.

The type of family that sends nasty messages are hardly the people he would want support from. OP has said how she was treated in pregnancy, how her DH is in agreement to them coming in a few days and that they won't be supportive, will just want to hold the baby. This doesn't give the impression they are nice people. In the circumstances I'm not surprised they want a few days to recover before seeing them.

She'll be on here in a few months/years complaining about having no village and that her MIL/siblings in law have no interest in or are unavailable to babysit the child. They are not second-class family members, invite them over and allow them to help. Don't be one of those women who creates a hierarchy of grandparents, always favouring her own parents.

Why? She's just given birth - she deserves to feel comfortable and while recovering.

Team OP 100%. FWIW my partner agrees too.

My in laws were much the same, very overbearing and inconsiderate, eg saying they would visit at 3pm so I would pump milk just before hand so as not to have to do it while they were there. Then they would show up 2.5 hours late, when we had given up and be in the middle of making dinner. Add to that the hormones and exhaustion and it's totally understandable that you don't want to accommodate them. But please for the sake of your baby and your husband, try to find a way. What if your husband could ask them to bring dinner, or could they (including husband) watch the baby while you have a bath or a nap so you get some help? Bring them in and don't treat them like guests. Your beautiful new arrival is blessed to have family on both parents' side. I wonder if you have a relationship with your own paternal grandparents? It might help to think that is what they are to your baby. It's so precious.

And also not understanding why they don't like her.

i don't know where you are from, but in this part of the world women have the right to decide what is best for them, their baby in their own home. And normal men, like the OP's husband , support them. No one is ordering a woman and tell her what to do. That's abuse.

irrational MIL can just lump it.

The bit I found hardest after having a baby was becoming a parent not postparting stuff (and that wasn’t plain sailing) and a dad will be exactly the same, he too is experiencing becoming a parent for the first time. I can remember bringing DS home from the hospital (and we had spent 2 days in local midwife led unit being pampered and DH able to stay over in the room) thinking ‘oh god we are now responsible for this baby and what do we do!’ The not knowing why baby was crying etc

Because they are also the child's grandparents and it's not right to exclude half of your family.

The in-laws are just as important as OP's family.

Op why did you start this thread? The overwhelming majority of people have told you that you’re being unreasonable (most have told you kindly) but you’re just doubling down and insisting that you’re right.

I don’t know where you’re from but we co-parent here. Equal parenting rights - there is absolutely NO reason why MIL can’t pop round for 10
minutes while mum is asleep/resting/showering to see the baby. Perhaps someone has been lying to you and telling you that you are always right. That isn’t the case.

I understand your feelings OP as I felt the exact same, but I’m so glad I pushed past it and let my in laws visit. Life comes at you fast - I’m grateful for anyone who wants to be a significant and positive part of my children’s lives.

I also have a friend who did what you are doing. A similar attitude continued through the first 9 months-ish to a year, keeping PILs at arms legnth and treating every attempt they made at spending time with them as an imposition. My friend’s DH’s brother and SIL then had a baby in that time, and they let PILs form a great bond from day 1.

My friend now complains that the PILs favour the other grandchild - not in outright ways eg uneven Christmas presents or whatever, but she moans about how they provide more childcare for the other grandchild, take them on more days out, holidays, all that stuff. I’m not close enough to her to feel comfortable to point out the obvious!

a final note, I once posted on MN under a different username about something unrelated to this topic and had an absolute pasting. I felt really defensive at first and decided everyone was bitter and horrible but me, but then I realised that actually if most people think I’m unreasonable then I probably am. MN is brutal but ultimately there is kindness in truth.

Inviting them to visit after a few days is NOT excluding them

Reasonable and normal grand-parents would be looking forward to meet the baby, happy for the couple, and absolutely fine with letting the family chill for a couple of days.

Not going on a raging fit because they don't have their way and they don't have priority over the woman who actually gave birth!