AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

I’ve had 3 babies including twins. Both grandparents visited at the hospital and at home. No one stayed. No one helped out. Me and my husband figured it out together.

I had mastitis, a c section, breastfed etc

if you were my daughter I would encourage you to let your husband’s parents visit.

i think this situation is risking damaging relationships in the long run.

@Tableforjoan she has 5 people helping her out and supporting her, how many more does she need. Most people just have their partner. Obviously in-laws shouldn’t ignore her, although OP might prefer that as her reason for not letting them see the baby is that she doesn’t want them to see her

Added to my first reply, the first person to meet DS (other than me, my ex and the hospital staff, and when I had my c section I was the last person in the room to meet DS!) was my friend. I had her as my birthing partner, which was a stroke of genius on my part as my ex buggered off home while I was still lying in recovery unable to walk. Apart from him and his DD no one else in his family has met DS. (I don't even think they know DS exists.)

YABU. Messages are not on but there has to be some equality here. Does your husband want his parents to see his daughter? I know it’s early days but you are clearly not adverse to visitors if your family have been in attendance. Get them round for an hour or so. Stuff like this can really become future resentments.

YABU but I think you know that.

How will you feel one day if your son has a baby and you're not allowed to meet him based on his partners whims?

I feel really sorry for MIL's on this website. They're constantly expected to just put up and shut up.

Yabu let them come. Dosent have to be for long.
They are excited.

Why is it about equality? Is that the way future visits are going to be measured out? When the child is old enough to spend a day with grandparents must the other grandparents be given a day too?
A baby isn't a toy to be shared out.
Shouldn't they be wanting to visit the mother and see how she is and congratulate her rather than just demanding a view of the baby?
A new mother needs to be respected, given time to heal and adjust.
Waiting a week to visit won't hurt anyone.

Stick to your guns OP. And take a break from Mumsnet and get some rest.

Of course she doesn't, but if you read the op posts it is her appearance that is at the root of this stand off. She is worried they will comment negatively on her appearance. I'm trying to tell her that would be more than sufficient at this point. I wouldn't bebothering but the op is hanging this situation around what the ils will think - mostly of her appearance.

I can't see anything about worrying about the baby being exposed to germs or anything.

She did mention feeding, which in my opinion is more than fair that she doesn't want an audience while that establishes, and that is why I'd suggested a half hour visit.

It is a bit unfortunate the ILs are wanting to come so soon given op's feelings, but equally GPs are different from general visitors and I think it makes a difference that op's siblings and BOTH parents have been allowed.

Why are people criticising op for having her mum for two weeks? I think its only sensible if it is possible.

Don't exaggerate. OP isn't saying they'll never meet. It's been 2 days and she's asked them to wait a week.

I'm the mother of a son. I completely understand her point of view.

That's a you problem tbh.

Hopefully you've managed to get some rest and are taking on board the comments about how unfair you are being.

If your in-laws are dicks when there, DH asks them to leave. But to deny them meeting the baby because you are worried about your appearance isn't great.

I just don’t understand why some women are so reluctant to have visitors when they’ve had a baby. My daughter was born early morning, and my mum visited at lunchtime that day, with her new boyfriend in tow, who I’d never met before. My mother in law came the next day, and I had friends visit me every day i was in hospital. I had a reasonably long and difficult birth, not the worst by any means, but much worse than I had expected, and was in hospital for several days. When I came home, there wasn't anywhere for my mum to stay because we had only moved a couple of months earlier to a near derelict house and had only been able to get our bedroom, nursery , bathroom, and kitchen habitable by the time my baby was born. But she came round every day to help out, mostly decorating and helping to make a living space where we could sit comfortably during the day. It ended up with us using a single bed as a sofa and packing boxes as chairs for many weeks. 😆

I didn’t like my mother in law and she had done some truly terrible things to my poor father in law in his final years, but she also visited regularly in the first couple of weeks and was made welcome because, whether I liked it or not, she was part of my family and had just as much right to get to know my baby as my own mum. It didn’t bother me, or her, that I looked a state, with a baby who wanted to feed constantly, and she had to sit on a tea crate balancing a cup of tea on her lap when she came round. Several friends visited during thst time as well, and I was glad of their company and to show off my baby. Unless youve had really serious complications, It just seems really weird to want to shut yourself away from the world when you’ve given birth.

YANBU

They lost their right when they sent nasty texts to a new mother. Bastards.

Nasty of you.

Your baby is still hours old and you’re already putting barriers between her and her paternal family. Your family are not more important to her. Think of how hurt you would feel in your MiLs position.

In my house, grandparents have equal opportunity to time with the children. Obviously no one is keeping a strict tally but we generally try to keep it fair.

@ShamedBySiri we tried to be fair with grandparents, none lived locally but some lived closer than others so time spent and visits might look different but we tried to consider them all and be fair.

So in OP’s instance, especially as she has her family contingent surrounding her and supporting her, I would let MIL have a cuddle with the baby. I wouldn’t have her moving in, but I wouldn’t have wanted my own parents moving in either, and would also consider what DH wanted. I am sure OP saw the love her family showed the baby as soon as they saw her, is it too much to let the other grandma have that moment too. Does it really need to be delayed.

When someone has a baby and people visit, yes they want to make sure OP is okay but they will also be there to see the baby.

I am curious what the DH is actually saying to his parents about why multiple members if OPs family are allowed to "help". He could be saying they cant come as OPs family is there. Or that he wants some peace but the house is full. Or tgat hecwants some time with baby before Paternity ends.

Babies change so quickly that even by a week old they are not the same as an absolute newborn.

Having one set of visiting in hospital and then staying for 2 weeks plus aunts/uncles for dinner within 48 hours while not even allowing the other side to step over the threshold for at least a week feels unnecessarily differential treatment.

I suspect the texts were in reaction to the hurt of being excluded. They should apologise for that, for sure. They wouldn't have been sent though if OP was being more reasonable about gatekeeping her in-laws.

I'm not exaggerating

If her parents can meet the baby then her husbands' parents should be able to as well.

I think you are being a bit unfair to the in-laws with allowing one side of the family such open access but making the other side wait. However their response (sending shitty messages to a mother who is 2 days PP) would have me sticking to my guns to be honest.

If this was my SIL I'd feel a bit put out but I'd have replied kindly and would be there the second you were feeling up to my visit.

I can understand that at this very vulnerable stage the op doesn't want to "keep it fair," given that would actually mean her ILs moving in. I think having her mum is sensible and perfectly natural.

I don't think at this early stage equal is called for. A labouring or newly postpartum mum will feel closer to her own mum.

But I do think with the support she has, she could manage a token visit, given how desperate they seem to meet the baby, and given her main concern seems, quite frankly, vanity.

Oh absolutely at this point the OP does not need the in-laws moving in. But it's a right kicker for her parents to be there 24/7 and the in-laws haven't met the baby yet.

The "equality" hits in when they get a bit older ime. Like old enough to be left for a period of time alone with GPs.

YABU. Think of the message you are giving them - the resentment could last for years. Just let your husband host them for a cuddle and a cup of tea. A new baby in the family is magical on both sides.

OP, I understand where you are coming from, you are exhausted, hormonal and feel 100% comfortable with your own family who are there to help but you have to see it from their point of view too. In their heads, all they want to do is see their new grandchild and you saying you aren't up for visitors but having 4 visitors in your house is making them resentful and feel rejected. They won't think that you are self conscious, they won't think they need hosted (plus there are enough adults that you won't have to do anything - your family could make the tea, help chat, tidy etc), they want to see their son and cuddle their grandchild.

When I had my first, I was a mess, 29hr labour, induction, failed epidural, forceps, episiotomy. I was traumatised! Both sets of parents came to visit me and baby in the hospital. My brother in law and partner were over from Scotland and came too. I remember coming home from the hospital and my in-laws and my brother in-law and partner were coming straight over to see us as my bro in law and partner were going back to Scotland that evening. I was a mess, nipples were bleeding, trying and failing at breastfeeding but rightly or wrongly I couldn't say no. My siblings also came down that evening for a visit. Maybe I should have said no but I just got on with it because I knew how excited everyone was to meet the baby. I think people forget how traumatic and painful having a baby is. For the sake of harmony and fairness I would let them come but ultimately it's up to you. They definitely shouldn't be sending you unkind messages.

Yes, agreed.

Mum is a natural support when a baby comes, but if you are also having your Dad and siblings, then I think you have to grant a quick "meet and greet" to ILs.

I do think if OP had said she was having her mum and DH for the first week and that her Dad, siblings and ILs could meet the baby thereafter that would be a different scenario.

I also think OP will herself feel better if she just gets this over.

@hello1999 what is your DH doing whilst your family are supporting you or doing household chores? Does he have paternity leave? I found the hardest bit adjusting to having a new baby was straight after DH went back work and it was just me being responsible for this tiny thing for hours on end! Are you going to have 2 weeks with many people on hand and then just you. If parents were staying that would be the period I would want them not when DH was around full time