AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Obviously you don’t like your in-laws and maybe you have good reason not to, but I would be very upset if my son and his gf treated me like the second tier grandmother. Your dh can take over showing the baby while you sit down and have a rest.

While I do understand that you’re obviously more comfortable around your family. I do think YABU. My first grandchild is due in November. I’d be very upset if I was kept away from the baby while DIL mum was allowed to see her.

I agree that @rainingsnoring is on a wind up!

@hello1999 I say this as mum of a 2 year old, honestly it's such a special time when a baby is first born for you but also for grandparents. My in laws were in another country (very remote and impoverished and wasn't easy to get there and they couldn't come to us). We weren't able to visit until my son was 18 months old. His grandmother died in an accident the week after we visited... We take a lot of comfort from the fact she was so happy to meet her grandchild. You literally never know what's going to happen and family is very important. I would have loved them to be more involved - don't take it for granted, a short visit with just the parents I'm sure would be fine.

Agree.
I think you’ve been really mean! I doubt they’ll forget it tbh. Of course they’ve the same links to your child and you should have realised that you need to allow them to visit if you’ve allowed your own family.

I don't have a daughter in law because my kids only little so your sniping comment is a bit lost there sorry. But both my kids are Girls and I'd be appalled if one day they used my Grandchildren as weapons against anyone in the family and hoped that strangers on the internet would tell them it's ok. Because that is all this post is about.

For those saying it's easy to forget what it's like to give birth the first time, it's really not. Those are the kind of events that stay in your mind very vividly. I remember the pain and sore nipples and tiredness. Yet I knew how excited every GP had been to meet this new baby, so when MIL came over when baby was about 14 hours old (born in the evening before), as soon as she walked in I put her grandchild in her arms. It was lovely to share the joy.

YABU and controlling. It’s abusive and I feel bad for your DH

You’ve spent over 3hrs on and off arguing why they can’t come over and how crap you feel.

hopefully you got some sleep and can have dh parents round today for an hour

you don’t need to look perfect

surely you can see how unfair you are being to your dh and his family

you’re all visited you in hospital. Now at your home. Having a meal. Spending hours chatting etc

yes mil shouldn’t have sent the messsges but I can understand why she is hurt

let them pop round for a quick meet

I had a massive bleed /placenta started to come away and 3 blood transfusions and extra days in hospital - but was still happy for dh older kids (adults) come and meet their baby sister

sadly no in-laws as dead

I'm really surprised so many people think you are being unreasonable. After my first baby I told my in-laws they could visit after a fortnight..

I'm not a mother I law so no bitterness from me at all.....

I think you are being incredibly precious and very cruel to your in-laws. Since when did giving birth require 5 extra people on hand for support.

No one will be expecting you to be up and about or presentable. Slobbing on the sofa in your pjs is fine, your in-laws will hardly notice you they will be seeing the baby.

I honestly think you will be on here in a few years complaining that your in-laws don't bother with your child.

Wasnt talking about @Nos4r2

What on earth are you talking about? Why are you bringing my dad into it? God, this place is worse than ever. If you will learn to read properly... I was comparing contributions at the post partum phase, where OP is recovering from a massive physical ordeal and her husband simply... isn't.

I can understand not wanting many visitors immediately post birth, but I think your balance is off. Your family have loads of access, your husband's have none. Just let his mum at least pop over for an hour. You don't have to look good - now is the time to change any expectations on either side of that, as you're mum to a small child being presentable might not be a priority going forward.

Don't backtrack. You said the Father did nothing but jizz 9 months ago, meant in a derogatory way. So it's ok to demean and disrespect some Men, just not your Dad? Ok

What’s that got to do with the in-laws visiting?

Being up posting from evening to early hours instead of sleeping probably isn’t helping your recovery or state of mind. Sleep when your baby sleeps, you’ve got to take those sleeping windows when you can.

I'm not 'angry' just because I disagree with you, dear. Some comprehension skills wouldn't go amiss. If you really think there's no difference between the mother and father's contribution at the post partum stage, what can I say?

Congrats on your new daughter

I would want to support my son and DIL as much as possible, and respect boundaries, I totally understand any DIL will be closer to her family, but I would be hurt if I couldn’t see my grandchild when her family could.
Even if it was just her parents who had been over, because I’m the parent of my son. But to know her parents were staying and siblings visiting daily for dinner etc, then yes I would be hurt.

I wouldn’t send messages like you had OP, that was unfair but I think you’re being a little unfair too.

What about your own parents, did they have to wait a fortnight too?

How many people do you need to support you.
Your DH, mum,dad, siblings is that one,two, three or more brothers and sisters. Is great aunt Nora included and of course uncle Frank. Yet the babies other grandparents can't even see them.

Don't tell me what I meant. Honestly, your anger is so odd and misplaced. I'm not replying to you again. You're far too overly invested in slating a new mother online. Really odd behaviour.

People always forget it’s about more than just the shiney new toy baby. Like ops said her parents are there supporting her helping out.

Dhs family only want to visit for the baby. People lose their minds over new babies but it’s his child too yeah and his respecting his wife’s recovery and people who are supporting and helping her over those that add her stress and only care about the baby alone.

Build the relationships with your Dils before she is pregnant. Show her she matters to you before she starts incubating for your grandchildren and maybe she will see you as a help who also wants to make sure she is ok rather than wanting to lift the trophy for a photo op.

This.

You don’t have to be on display but it would be nice for them to see the baby for half an hour.

BUT the horrible messages are completely out of order, especially if they’re sending them to you and not your husband.

I can't believe I am spelling this out but... the OP needs to physically recover and DH doesn't. It's a vulnerable time for her in the way it isn't, for him.

I won't be replying to you again- you're another one who seems overly invested in this and just wanting a fight with people. Strange behaviour.