AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

@hello1999 I've read all of your replies and I'm sorry but you're being ridiculous. I say this as somebody who has a rocky relationship with my in-laws and am very close to my own family. But you are being spectacularly unfair here.

Invite them over for an hour, at a time that's convenient to you and just sit on the sofa like you've been doing since getting home. If they say anything, your "kind understanding" husband can tell them to knock it off or leave. If they're over staying and missing hints, he can say "ok see you later we've got to get baby settled now" or whatever.

They're still his parents and the babies grandparents and honestly you might be surprised how nice it is seeing them like that - I was really taken aback watching my very gruff fil, who I frequently had "heated exchanges" with, grow into the grandad role with my son.

Let's face it, the hour of them being round would have been quicker and less angsty than replying on mn all night to be honest.

So odd that any random person on here should feel rage about a woman's personal family decisions? Why are seem people so angry and resentfull all the time?

I do wonder if he'd want to support her after she treated his family like scum of the earth?

I wouldn't.

But yeah rage bait.

Some of the comments have been a little harsh. I’m sure most PP have been mums but it’s easy to forget, especially with your first, how wild the hormones can be!

I think, ultimately, if you’re allowing some visitors (esp one set of grandparents), it’s incredibly unfair not to allow the other grandparents to visit. I completely understand you feel less comfortable - but you were assertive enough to say they couldn’t come at all, so I fully believe you’re strong enough to say “yes, ok for an hour or whatever, but if it gets too much you’ll have to go, and if baby needs a feed I’m going to pop upstairs”.

Ultimately they aren’t going to give a monkeys if you’re not dressed (I didn’t get out my PJs for about a week with my first, regardless of who visited and I wouldn’t have been guilt tripped into making myself more presentable!). If they want to come and say hello, they come with good grace and no expectations of you.

In reality, I think now it’s completely started in the wrong foot, so it’s probably going to be a bit of a battle to set those boundaries because the bad feelings are already there. I’m sure you can understand why they’re upset though, and probably now foreseeing a future where every Christmas and birthday they play second fiddle.

Imagine the outcry if a Man was told to "whip her into shape" She's already stopping his family seeing his own child, that's bad enough!

The baby is your husband’s child as well, and they are equal grandparents with your family. Surely it wouldn't hurt you to let them see their new grandchild for an hour?

it's the angry males that are spitting feather.

OP has said:

'Based on the way they are invalidating my pain already, that tells me enough about what type of guests they will be. But overall they expected me to host for them when I was heavily pregnant and struggling to move around. So I can't imagine postpartum would be different. And they would make subtle comments about appearance during my pregnancy.'

The horrible message to their newly post-partum DIL doesn't show them in a good light. Surely they should have spoken to their own son instead of texting their DIL? The fact that he seems to be totally on OP's side makes me think that his parents aren't great and he is happy to protect OP from them until she feels better.

No I'm a woman and I don't like seeing Children weaponised from a early age.

Unless you have a close relationship with your pils, which by the sounds of it you are not, they are coming to see the baby who is a little extension of them.

Whereas, your own family are there to see and support you at a vulnerable time having just given birth when everything from your chest to arse aches and you want people around to be there for you, whilst seeing the baby. Not the other way round, where people want to see the baby and you happen to be there. Used to piss me off no end, people fussing about the baby and me fetching the selfish people cups of tea!

Surely that's 99% of AIBU threads?

It’s the angry females that are saying things like the father’s input was only jizzing. That’s ok is it? I can see a lot of spitting feathers by the angry females. Do you have selective reading?

The OP never wanted opinions, just validation, is strong enough to say no in law visits, but not to stop posting?Repeatedly posted until 1.30, is that a sensible thing to do when exhausted and post partum?

My advice to OP is don’t waste energy asking for opinions and then arguing for over three hours that they are wrong.

If that’s the case then they were just wicked beings all along looking for an excuse. Being made to wait for a week longer than your DIL’s own family shouldn’t lead to a lifetime of a bad relationship and an unwillingness to support their grandchild/niece. Hindsight should allow them to understand why it went down that way and move forward.

Why, are you still made at your DIL or something?

.

Im not an angry male and I dont think most of the replies are from any.
You just can't believe that nobody on here agrees with you.
Your the one thats angry for what reason I do not know.

Yeah, all 80% of us (see votes) 🙄

Exactly!

“Our newborn baby.”

There will absolutely be resentment from your husband about this (though it is extremely well hidden by the sounds of it). If I was your husband I wouldnt challenge you either, but I would be hurt. I absolutely wouldnt mention anything, make my own suggestions and would just agree with whatever your response was.

Anyway as you're now a parent, this is the perfect time to learn:

It isn't just about you and only you anymore.

I don't know if you have a son, but I assume you'll be fine about his wife blocking you from seeing your grandchild while she cosies up multiple times with its other grandparents (and uncles/aunts)?

@Nos4r2 I wouldn't bother replying to this poster, they have been trying to wind up several posters into an argument. Not sure what their agenda is

Gosh, I find that so mean. I have a DS, if he ever did that to me I’d be devastated.

It’s overwhelming being a new parent, but think how this looks to your in-laws. It looks like they are second best, that’s a deep wound. This is a start of a whole new family don’t start it with bad feeling. Your husband can explain you aren’t feeling great and it needs to be a short visit.

Kindly OP, just let them visit. You won't feel/look much different in a week. You've put an arbitrary timeframe on it and are damaging your relationship with your DH's family. There will come a time when you are desperate for family to babysit, don't start out on the wrong foot. We have no family within 300 miles, I'd wish for nothing more than to have family nearby wanting to be close to my children.

But what they’re saying is true is t it? It’s highly unlikely that the 80% are angry males is it?

It’s going to be hard for them when they do visit and see that your family have made themselves at home and already know the baby and her emerging routine so well. So I think it would be good to be sensitive to that – maybe your parents could pop out at that time.
On the other hand… their messages to you are completely out of order.
So I’m in two minds as to whether you should let them visit soon.
Unfortunately though, having a baby does tie you to your in-laws in a new and permanent way, and this is just the start of it. So perhaps it’s time to shift into the new mindset of including them and considering them more.