AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

No one has any right to see the baby. The OP has chosen to invite her own family because, as she has repeatedly explained, they are supportive, helpful and non judgemental. The in laws, on the other hand, are entitled bullies.

YANBU to want to hide away and 'cave' with only the people you trust the most in this vulnerable period.

YABU to not allow your in-laws to meet the baby at all for an entire week - a few days, yes, but now you're at home and settling in, it should be okay. You can feed the baby, and then have a shower and a nap for an hour while your husband introduces the baby to your in-laws. Yes, I get it, you don't want to be away from her, but when she's literally in the same house as you, with her dad right there, it is being a bit precious to refuse.

However, they ABU to have sent you those messages. It was inappropriate to reach out to you directly and pressure you. You might be being a bit unreasonable, yes, but realistically, having just given birth and becoming a mum is a VERY good excuse for indulging in a little unreasonableness!!

Generally though, it sounds like there are deeper issues and mutual dislike on both sides, given the way that none of you are able to settle on a happy compromise - or even want to try to.

If it had just been your mum or sister I could maybe understand. This sends a very clear negative message to your in-laws. You clearly aren’t too bad if you are hosting dinner.

Why would you fee physically uncomfortable? You can just stay in bed and leave your husband and family to do all the work.

I doubt it, as they will be coming to see the baby. Even if they do, you can just send a message that you're not up to it.

I completely get why you’re not feeling up to “hosting”. Would it be so bad if you just stayed in bed or sat on the sofa while they came over for half an hour though? Unless there’s some massive back story here that you absolutely hate them I think YABU.

But you've got your mum there to help.

Your mum can host them, make cups of tea and your supportive DH can set a time limit and make them leave after an hour.

Are you not able to shower each day and get dressed?

Just give them an hour. You are making your DH choose between women in this life when it should be his time to be proudly showing his mum his beautiful daughter.

Im amazed at the voting

my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish

WHO sends this to a woman who just gave birth???? Even if they think it.

It's 5 days difference.
They sound like arseholes who view you as some incubator / vessel.

The worst bit is your mil has more than 1 child.

Presumably relationships were poor pre birth too.

This!

Your not regretting the post, you are regretting your actions because they are harsh and totally unfair and it’s uncomfortable being called out on it.

This is such nonsense and it's just you clutching at straws to try to justify your decision. If you feel uncomfortable not looking groomed and perfect in front of them, five days post partum, then that's on you. Don't try to make it about what they would 'expect.' I don't know these people but I am quite sure any woman who has had a baby herself would expect no such thing.

You're lucky that you had a daughter and not sons, as it's less likely that you will find yourself in your MIL's position one day. You still may though, and your daughter may well be in your SIL's position. Think how you would feel.

OP, it’s difficult. When my DIL had a baby, I was allowed to go and see it on the Friday of the week it was born on the Monday. I know her DM saw the baby in hospital. Of course I was desperate to meet the latest family member, but you respect the boundaries set if you want a happy relationship with your DIL. I can understand why the OP doesn’t want to see her ILs, and I can understand why the ILs think this is unreasonable. See if you feel better in a couple of days, OP, so you can bring their visit forward a little. And congratulations on your new baby.

I think you are being unfair but have no intention of changing your mind. Sadly you will reap what you sow and it will be another family full of conflict.

I would probably say that you were a bit unreasonable about not letting them have a brief visit to meet the baby.

However, their response to a brand new mother still recovering from the birth is appalling which makes me think that even if they were able to come, they would probably out-stay their welcome and massively overstep boundaries.

Your MIL's ridiculous statement that in her day new mums just got on with stuff straight after giving birth isn't even true. Back then, new mums often spent a week in hospital recovering from the birth.

@Namechangenoidea You don't say that to a woman who has just given birth, it's inexcusable. You should feel absolutely disgusted with yourself.

@MNHQ you should take this thread down and offer the OP some support.

Please bear in mind that you are asking people that have been in your position and know exactly what it’s like to have a baby and understand what it’s like to give birth, be in pain, feel a mess, be protective etc so the responses you are getting have taken all of that into account.

However in the kindest possible way, it isn’t just your baby, it’s your husbands baby, it’s your parents grandchild and your IL’s grandchild. Your ILs would have been desperately wanting to meet their grandchild for 9 months as much your parents and they know that all of the other important people in your child’s life have been able to do that and not them and now they have to wait another long week and that will be incredibly hard and painful for them.

i understand you don’t feel,as comfortable around them as with your family so you need to explain why you made the decision you did and that you are not comfortable being away from the baby so all you can offer them this week is 30 mins so they can at least meet their grandchild and you can sit upstairs if you want to. You may not want to be without your baby but please just put your wants below theirs for just 30 minutes, it really isn’t too much to ask IMO. I’m not sure if you’ve had a boy or a girl but if it’s a boy and he has a child, then think about how you would feel in years to come if your DIL made the same decision.

Congratulations to you both

This forum is always on the wrong side of reason.

OP YANBUAA. YOU are the one who’s given birth, not your husband, and obviously your family coming round as a support system is different from your in-laws wanting to come round to visit the baby and gawk at the situation. And those messages are nasty and just affirmation to keep them away until you are ready.

Looking at the poll results, I would log off this forum and rest up with your little one. Congratulations on the baby xx

If I were OP after reading your post, I would double down and make her PILs wait even longer to see the baby.

Do you really think that spiteful posts like yours will make her change her mind? You and her MIL are obviously kindred spirits.

Well I suppose we’ll never really know whether OP banned them because they are overbearing, or because she’s being precious, but if my DIL had banned me I would have been very sad, but I would never in a million years have texted her to tell her she was selfish.

Why should they only want to see the baby? Is mama just an incubator? The way people treat newborn babies like spectator sports. Yes it’s exciting and they’re cute, but family who cares should want to see baby AND mama when she’s ready.

I would imagine that OP probably doesn't have a good relationship with her MIL so she won't really care if they don't bother with her in a couple of years time.

OP obviously has a very close family so she won't need to rely on her MIL for anything.

The fact that OP's DH isn't bothered about his mum seeing the baby speaks volumes. She is obviously not a nice woman and the texts she sent proves that.

If a post from a random makes someone double down and stop reading or taking into account all the other posts, then asking on a forum is not for them.

I don’t think OP should post anymore, she’s repeatedly said she’s exhausted (understandable), then posted numerous posts up until gone 1am.

She needs to step away from this and rest.

Wow. What have I jist read? 😂

I think you're making a big mistake. Because while your partner may be playing the cool guy now, guaranteed in a few months time when tiredness starts to kick in and the "judt back home" whirlwind wears off, he will carry massive resentment that his house was taken over by his in-laws while his own family werent even allowed to meet his baby for half an hour.

I cannot imagine having a baby and having my PILs, BIL and SIL camped out in my living room for an entire fortnight, while my partner denies me the opportunity to share this with my own family, because "she has needs".

Its selfish, its ugly, and its the kind of thing that plants seeds of resentment not just among your in-laws but undoubtedly within your partner too, irrespective of how well he appears to be taking it

"Mama"...🤮