AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

I agree. It really has nothing to do with being "fair"

I was responding to your post though where you said your in-laws are not your family.

i too have a son, who isn’t imminently going to be a father, and I too could understand why a future DIL would want her parents and siblings only around her in the early days postpartum. Doesn’t stop biology though! My own MIL was an amazing lady and I can only hope I have the same sort of relationship with my theoretical DIL in the future.

Until you have have a grandchild regardless if the child is from the maternal or paternal side you will never understand how it feels.

I'm not sure what your point is.

The in laws are related to my son. They're not related to me. They're OK, well some of them, but I've never felt and never will feel the same about them as I do about my own family. If my husband dies before me I wouldn't maintain any contact with them. They don't mean anything to me.

It’s important that new mums can avoid the deluge of visitors in the early days (unless they want it) and prioritise recovery and bonding with baby. However I’m afraid grandparents really are an exception, and I think you should allow them to pop round for a quick snuggle. You don’t need to get out your PJs or off the sofa, and you can sit under a blanket if you feel self-conscious. Nobody expects a brand new mum to be presentable, and if they start making snarky comments then your supportive husband can ferry them straight back out the door. But they’ll be so besotted with your little one, I doubt they’ll even notice.

My children’s grandparents drive me batshit but I could never have deprived them of that. I didn’t want to have anyone round, but it was actually so heartwarming seeing how loved my babies were. They’ll have been awaiting this moment with their whole hearts and I think they will feel quite tortured at the thought of having to wait longer. Not all babies get the privilege of so many loving relatives, so let your daughter meet hers, and nurture those important relationships.

Your in-laws are acting very rudely, but I need to know - is your husband not the father of the baby? If he isn't, then it makes sense that you as the sole biological parent get to dictate who does and does not get to see your child. You called it "my baby" rather than "our baby", which is what made me wonder.

"Bleat" seems bit uncalled for.

Would they really, though? Or is this an expectation you have set upon yourself and are now blaming them for? No woman who has given birth would ever expect a newly postpartum mum to be up and about and looking like her normal well-groomed self.

I had a baby 10 days ago. My parents met the baby first, mum looked after toddler while we were in hospital.
In laws had already planned to come on day 2 of being home. I really didn’t want them to, was still bleeding from birth, had no routine or breastfeeding properly established. I didn’t want them or anyone to come to visit, not even my parents really (we are fairly close). But I just had to suck it up.
They stayed for 8hrs, but did bring food for us all. It was far too long in my opinion but it’s done now, I didn’t have to deal with any drama and can now relax.
so unfortunately I’d just suck it up, sorry!

But I just had to suck it up.

Why? Why didn't the in laws not just suck it up?

What on earth is there to do that needs 5 adults to help with (husband, parents and siblings)?

its not difficult to sit on a sofa whilst your in laws come round to meet your baby, is it?

I think delete this thread. There seem to be lots of insensitive people who feel Yabu but don’t seem to be able to express that in a kind way. It’s the last thing you need at this point, just after having a baby.

The most important thing is you’ve made this decision, it’s how you feel comfortable and your husband supports you. Block out all the rest of the noise and enjoy the time with the baby.

My baby is 2 months old and my husband insisted he wanted his mother to be around while I was in having the elective c-section to help with our other daughter. I said she could, I just didn’t want her staying when I came home from hospital but said she could come to visit whenever after that. What ended up happening is I arrived home in a world of pain, she dramatically left the house when I came theatrically not acknowledging the baby. It’s a bit different here because I didn’t want anyone around really, but I felt (and feel) upset that my husband couldn’t honour my needs at that vulnerable time. I didn’t want any drama I wanted peace to recover and adjust before having to be more put together. I like my MIL, definitely wasn’t personal.

Your husband is supporting your approach and that’s what’s important.

OP not sure why you posted. It seems you are not willing to compromise and that’s your prerogative. Do feel really sad for your in laws and DH though. The contrast in way both families are being treated is stark. This should be a happy time for the whole family not just your bio family. Appreciate your hormones are all over the place, but it’s all me me me by sounds of it. 1 hour cuppa with your DH and you resting, especially as you have full support network there for you isn’t much to ask imho.

This. If it’s about not looking great (!) there’s plenty there to watch the wee one so you can freshen up.

TBF someone did say something about her having her tits hanging out while her in-laws were visiting, as if it would be a given.

She doesn't need a "slick of lipgloss" FFS!

How does your DH really feel, OP? Even if he can wait to introduce the baby to his parents, he's missing out on quiet time with you and his baby in these precious first days. He's surrounded by his inlaws and has a busy household rather than the opportunity to enjoy this time with his baby. I had been in ICU for several days after my last birth, with older children at home, and my DH was plenty to take care of me.

I think everyone's aware of that.

Exactly this.
They have as much right to see the baby as your family do.
Maybe your dh doesn't like looking at your family around but he's putting up with it for your sake.
Your parents are there to help with baby so you should let them visit, its only fair.
Why do your siblings get to visit AND come round for dinner

Sorry you have so many awful replies op & congratulations on your baby. My son has 2 children & I would have been very hurt if this had happened. It would definitely have felt as if i was being pushed out.
could you not just let them have a quick visit. They must be so excited to meet their grandchild.

Not sure this is a real but the level of entitlement is off the scale. Why can’t your child‘s other grandparents see their grandchild? If you don’t want to host stay upstairs for an hour and your husband can host, while they see the baby. He can tell them you are catching up on sleep. It’s really not that difficult and they are going round to see the baby anyway not you.

Exactly this. The MIL and SIL sound horrible and should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for bullying a new mum who is in pain and exhausted. I wouldn't want such unkind people to have much to do with my child. They were only asked to wait one week before visiting and perhaps that is because of their general attitude.

You mean the in laws level of entitlement presumably.
No one is entitled to see the baby, particularly not those who behave in such a nasty way towards the mother when she has just given birth.