AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

I know what I wrote, and I know who I was replying to.

Yes, I am laughing because it's ridiculous. You take my comment as you like, I don't have to justify myself to the likes of you when you have already decided to ignore everything else and take what you wanted from my post. You do you, who cares.

Take what I wanted?

i would LOVE to know what support a man , or even a partner, can actually need when they're not the one who went through pregnancy and childbirth 😂
So if the husband had some kind of , I don't know, prostate surgery, his WIFE could reasonably ask her parents to support HER? 😂😂

Not many ways to interpret that. And you’re still laughing after being told, because you’d “love to know”

You can have sons and still realise that someone is more at ease with their own parents than their in-laws, who on top of being strangers have no boundaries and respect looking at the vile messages they sent?

Just because you have sons doesn't mean you can't treat your DIL with respect and kindness.

They are definitely equal although when the children are obviously far more like their dads side it makes for interesting relationships when the inlaws understand them more. In my experience it's far better to accept this & allow them in rather than push them away 🤔

But god forbid we consider showing any kindness to anyone who has has to watch a loved one almost die. Any man or woman who asked their own parents for support after that should be laughed at, right? So funny. You’re a hoot.

hopefully she will be raised better than the MIL was 😂

That's a different conversation & agreed

OP you are making a mountain out of a molehill here. I totally get why you are truly comfortable around your own family postpartum and can’t feel the same with your in-laws, totally natural. You are however being unfair to your in-laws who just want to meet their DGD.
we’re not talking about random friends here, they are your baby’s close relations! They love her already and just want to meet her.

There’s a simple solution, your DH lets them know that they are welcome to come over at x time. Your DH lets them know that you are not up for visitors at the moment so will be upstairs while they visit. They get to meet and cuddle the baby, your DH gives then tea / coffee etc. You have a bath, relax whatever, if baby needs you, you are still in the same house. No drama, no fuss. They want to see the baby, not you.

The comments on here are mad.

OP, I would really like to know why your husband isn't fielding his family properly. Why are they texting YOU calling you selfish? Has he not communicated with them clearly or is he laying the blame on you? He should be the one telling them you all need a few days, if he's in agreement as you say he is.

As for them calling you selfish, well that would just make me delay seeing them further. They sound unpleasant.

There is no 'fair' when it comes to postpartum. You've grown and birthed a baby. He jizzed nine months ago. Your feelings and needs trump his. His family will have to wait a bit.

I think many women look back and realise they were a bit bat shit crazy in the first few weeks after giving birth and in particular treat their in-laws quite badly

I completely understand that OP. And tbh I don't care how often posters say "but in laws are family", my in-laws are not my family.

They’re your children’s actual family though.

So true but thankfully not all. I wasn't particularly close to my pil although we got on OK. I respected the fact they both loved their Grandchildren deeply & they loved them & still do. Nothing I could say would change that unless they were cruel which wasn't the case more like differences of opinion in child care.

He jizzed nine months ago

That's just disgusting and really demeans the important relationship a father has with his own child.

Yes, mums have it hard with pregnancy and childbirth: I've been there myself. But it doesn't mean a father has no place in the picture. The whole "who trumps who" is a really pathetic dynamic. It's no wonder family life is becoming so fractured in our society with attitudes pitched at that level.

ETA anyway her needs are "trumping" in that she has her parents staying, family visiting for a meal. All posters are suggesting is that she lets them come and look at the baby. So all the "mum must trump everyone" posters can feel satisfied she still "wins."

Well, I guess you've shown them then. Best revenge ever 🙄

With your family hovering around looking after you all, I doubt your in laws would put a foot out of place and I'm sure you know this. There would be no expectation of you having to tend to them if your family are the ones doing everything. I'm sure they'd be great hosts to your in laws.
Your DH knows EXACTLY what you needs to say to you, and I'm sure he is very understanding of your 'needs' but to not have that same feeling of pride and joy in being able to present his child to his family until you give permission just seems mean.

You don't want them there, fine. At least own it, rather than make excuses 🤷‍♀️

You are not being unreasonable. This is about you and your incredibly intimate recovery and adjustment period. As harsh has it sounds it is not about baby and it is not about wider family. It’s about you. I’ve been in a very similar situation- bleeding, stitched up, postpartum sweats, instincts kicking in and hormones going crazy and milk coming in. I didn’t want my in-laws in my private space during that time and made it clear. We don’t have that relationship and recovery from birth is a very private thing. Anyone who looks past the struggles of pp recovery to see only the excitement of the new baby is selfish and unreasonable. Just let them have a quick cuddle… nope, i will forever hold resentment towards my own mil for taking my newborn out of my arms to ‘give me a rest’ - I was experiencing the strongest instincts to keep my child as close to me as possible and being guilted and coerced into having to watch someone else cuddle her for their own satisfaction whilst it screamed against everything my body and brain were telling me damaged me and almost my marriage in ways I can barely explain. No, they can wait until you’re ready, it’s that simple.

Personally, Ignoring through all the emotion is kind of the goal - on this thread and in your situation.

How you feel = 100% normal. I am the same, as are most people. Almost all of us feel more comfortable with out family than our in-laws...

But if we let feelings like that dictate our actions, we can end up treating people unfairly and ruining relationships.

To you, your parents are closer, but to your lovely daughter, her grandparents are and should be equal.

Of course & well said. A mothers relationship with her inlaws should never impact on her children's relationship with their grandparents.

Congratulations on your new baby, but come on, get over yourself. You’re being off the scale unreasonable. You’ve given birth, something that countless women do every day. And not all of them have or need mummy and daddy to stay with them for two weeks. Your poor in-laws. You’ve been incredibly unfair and this is so hurtful to them. I thank God I have daughters, so as not to be saddled with a daughter-in-law like you.

Sorry, but you did ask.

I have a son, who isn't imminently going to be a father. I don't have grandchildren but I would completely understand if my theoretical daughter in law only wanted her own family around her in these early days.

It's not disgusting at all - it's simply the truth. You've projected a whole load of other stuff that I haven't actually said. Sounds like the father is very involved with his child and also fine with delaying his family a few days. So what's your problem?

It is fair that both sets of grandparents get to meet their grandchild early if the baby is well.
You should have the exact care and support that you choose.
Your parents are there for you and YES the other grandparents can be hosted by your DH while they meet their GD.
If you wish to be wheeled in and out in your wheel chair for twenty minutes, that is your choice.

You have complicated things by having your siblings visit. Now you need to think of a way that your DH siblings can meet their niece without upsetting you.
Ask DH to invite them for a quick viewing before they all set off for a walk around the block with pram togeher, leaving you to sleep. They leave beore DH quietly wheels baby back inside.

They too have been excited to meet her.

If you need another three quiet weeks, remember to treat your brother and sister the same as your DH's family. Include the other grandparents in baby's life for short visits each week.

Again well said. I've been blessed with the fairest DIL any mil could wish for. I could never replace her own mum but we have a special bond only those who accept their children have 2 sets of grandparents could ever wish for.

We're taking about the in laws backing off for a couple of weeks. It's really selfish of them to behave the way have been behaving.

I’ve read a lot of strong opinions on here in the last 20 years but some posters are being absolutely horrible to the OP. Nobody has an entitlement to a newborn baby. It’s not about ‘fair.’ If the in-laws sent complaining messages directly to the OP within two days PP, they should be utterly ashamed. If they sent the messages to her husband, he should have dealt with it. Really dreadful to see a new mum attacked like this in what should be those precious first few days.