AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

I think she is making it very clear. Perhaps her written opinion isn't what she actually thinks, but we aren't to know that.

I understand that having your in-laws over when you’re freshly postpartum is a different vibe and comfort level than having your own family over. But I really do think you should let them come over for ten or fifteen minutes to see the baby in person and take a few pictures. Don’t let this turn into a bigger conflict than it already is.

The type of people who send nasty messages are unlikely to have been lovely to OP in the past. As OP confirms they were unkind to her in pregnancy. And all she has asked for is a few days to surround herself with positive people, Good on her and her husband for supporting her. He knows what his family is like too, hence being happy to have a few days of peace,

I personally think you are being unreasonable, but if you and your husband agree then whats the issue? You’ve both said no so end of, you don’t need validation from mumsnet

Look, if you're not going to let your husband's family see the baby - You need to accept the consequences of your choices. They are allowed their own feelings and opinions, just as much as you've had yours.

What I'm saying, is - You've made your bed now lie in it. You are literally digging your own grave with every excuse in the book.

Your baby will not be going anywhere. You've said you had a rough time, but your husband will also be going through massive changes. Your husband has allowed you the grace of choice, so stop being self-centered and offer your husband the grace of choice in return, by allowing his family around. Allow him to also celebrate these precious, few days with his own family. Men have mental health as well! He just seems too soft to stand up to you.

It's an hour or two at most! I've had 3 extremely rough pregnancies and births. It takes a village to raise a child and you're burning a village to the ground before you find out what help you might need from them in the future. It's not all about you. You can go off to bed or a bath, take care of your own needs for a few hours while both families fuss over baby and hubby. Take every quiet hour you can get because you'll need it.

I’m very confused by this. Have you never watched a loved one almost die or anything? Lots of people have, and they absolutely need support.

Many women have almost died during childbirth. And their partners had to watch that. Those men (or women) absolutely would need support and there is nothing funny about that.

And if my now partner was going through serious surgery and his life was at risk, I would absolutely ask my mum to be there for me.

You post is very very odd. You’re wondering why a man would ever need his mum to support him? Well, There are hundreds of births every day that leave both the woman and the man with trauma, and there is nothing embarrassing or odd about a man saying he needs help too.

I’m not talk about this case, I’m generalising in response to you generalising the idea of a man needing his mum or dad to support him.

But OP doesn’t need to see the in-laws. She can have a few minutes away from the baby, it’s not like the in-laws want to move in. If they were demanding to stay for 2 weeks or take the baby to theirs then I would understand her saying no. But surely there are times now that OP isn’t attached to the baby. If they demand to see OP and she doesn’t feel up to that then it’s absolutely fine for her to say no. But she must trust DH to be able to hold baby and show them to his parents

If she has all her family staying it’s not like the house is going to be a tip, she has more help than most new parents have

good grief, the woman just gave birth and is taking care of her newborn while trying to recover.

You sound a little spoilt too tbh all very me me me.

god forbids a woman put herself first!

Some of these comments are insane. It sound like we are back in these third world countries where women have the right to shut up and do as they are told.
They don't count, they're just there to pop babies.

And feminist argue about pink and blue colours? Why are we still treating women like that? Because reading the thread, it's a common thing to be so dismissive of women and new mums.

But OP isn’t looking for support with pregnancy or the birth. She’s looking for support post-birth. She’s said herself that her dad an brother are there to do housework.
no reason her DHs family couldn’t be allowed to help out with that

She is allowing her MIL to meet the baby - in a few days time. Should her DM write down everytime she holds the baby so they can make sure it is 'fair'. So childish. The baby isn't a toy that everyone gets equal time playing with.

I'm saying that they wouldn't be there for two weeks, if OP accepted their care but refused to let them have sight of their grandchild.

I've no idea what the second half of your post means.

And I'm only a MIL to men. My DDs' partners. I helped as much as my DD needed, but it wasn't a lot as she had a husband who stepped up. But I and her parents in law were treated equally when it came to baby access. I was very pleased that my DD recognised the need to be fair, and that my son in law cared for his parents enough to want them there.

Op, I have sympathy with you not feeling comfortable. But there are vetter ways ro manage this. You can ask your dh to facilitate this. If you think they might make digs at your appearance, he should step in immediately. If you aren't comfortable, you can go upstairs for 30 minutes. You keep saying you are not comfortable far away from your baby but a short shower is not far away. Yku can also make it clear to your dh yhat yoh wont be "hostinf". Cups of tea, snacks etc are his department (or your mum could help as she is staying over anyway).

You do sound like you are purposefully putting obstacles in the way. And while you might feel more comfortable with your own family, surely you can see why they feel slighted?

I'm saying that they wouldn't be there for two weeks, if OP accepted their care but refused to let them have sight of their grandchild.

and I am saying that maybe YOU wouldn't be , but most of us mothers would still be there if our kid needed us?

and that no, not all of us would only be interested in the grand-child, we care about own child too!

Lots of people are talking about “an hour or two,” which I think is excessive given that newborn babies spend so much time eating and OP would like to breastfeed in peace with privacy. Ten to twenty minutes is fine.

Well, he doesn't seem to need or want his mum if he is completely supportive of his wife. Maybe because he knows what his mum is like.

good grief, the woman just gave birth and is taking care of her newborn while trying to recover.

The woman has five, FIVE people looking after her. Her DH, her parents and her siblings. She doesn't have to do a damn thing that isn't baby-related, and I'm sure that one of those people could make her PILs a cup of tea.

Well done OP & congratulations on the bith of your daughter. It's understandable you feel the way you do although it's once again that old issue of new babies mum's side being more important than Dad's side.

Unfortunately for the new mum her DHs side of the family have as much right to see their grandchild as the mums side regardless of the mums feelings. After I gave birth the only person apart from my DH I wanted to spend time with was my mum. My mil never badgered me & afterwards I realised this was not only unfair it was indeed selfish given it was her Grandchild as much as it was my mum's Grandchild. After this I treated them both equally & it made for a far happier life.

I had complications straight after giving birth, would have been in serious trouble if consultant hadn’t sorted it. I was away with the fairies whilst that was happening, DH was fully aware of what was going on and had to be my advocate. It was pretty horrible for him to witness and know what was going on, whereas I have very little memory of it.

Also becoming a parent is quite traumatic in itself especially the first time. Why wouldn’t a new dad want support from his parents. To be fair he might want support from his side of the family if all his wife’s family had descended and moved in for 2 weeks!

Completely agree. It seems the ILs are only interested in the baby and don't give a damn about their DS or DILs boundaries. No wonder they don't want to see them right away!

Don't host.

Get your parents and DH to provide anything that is provided. You just need to sit with your new baby, let them see her and keep it quick. That isn't really hosting. Once it is done, you can move on Op, with them off your back for a bit.

Being a new mum can feel overwhelming and I would have more sympathy if you were worried about the new baby being exposed to germs - which is one reason people do postpone relative visits.

But you have already had quite a few guests in, and the reason you keep giving for postponing is how your looks will be judged, or that there might be comments about how you looked in pregnancy etc. You are a mum now OP. Those things really are neither here nor there at this juncture. Yes, it can be a bit vanity-bumping, but who cares what they say? You have a healthy baby and are better to focus on creating a healthy family dynamic for your little one than trying to look picture perfect for people I don't think you even like much.

Poor Kate Middleton had to bravely face the world media on the steps of the hospital - and there were plenty of petty and childish comments about the fact her tummy was still visible. But most of the sane mums in this world (and other sane people) thought how happy she looked and understood we come out of childbirth looking different for a bit - especially a difficult one.

Anyway, for now, go to bed (!!!!) - and in the morning I would at least consider planning a quick IL visit with the support of your parents and DH. That gets that done.

Is your husband not entitled to any paternity leave? So he can help you too?

but the OP is allowed privacy for a start, it has been 2 DAYS and she has asked for a couple more days

The DH family has also made it clear they were only interested in the baby anyway, they are not there for support. They try to have a claim on the baby.

No way on earth would I just disappear upstairs or in the shower leaving my baby just because MIL has decided she has a right to intrude. No way would I let anyone kick me out of my own living room!

And I'd expect DH to react just as badly if he was told he could leave the room and occupy himself in the shower or something while people grab the baby took selfies with his baby

I’m so surprised by how many people think YABU! Birthing a baby can be a huge physical and emotional event, and the recovery and hormonal crash is immense. So if you don’t feel comfortable with certain people in your house yet, then don’t let them in.

Set your boundaries now and stick to them. It’s so much harder to set them later on. Having a baby can really change relationships with wider family, in both good and bad ways, so be prepared for that. And I agree with others, if anyone messaged me saying I was being selfish the wait to see the baby would get even longer!!

I cared about both, but more about my DD. I'd still find it very very weird if she wanted me to move in for a fortnight to do everything for her, but not let me have sight of the baby. It would be so awkward that i'd probably go home a week early and wait until she actually wanted me there.

I think OP not wanting them there to meet the GC is giving them a reason to ‘hate her guts’. It’ll be difficult to come back from this.