AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Congratulations on the baby! No one wants a new mum to feel awful so don’t take the comments hard. We all have our unique perspectives and when I read your update I truly didn’t see the issue of either side visiting. It’s wonderful to have interest help from family. I come from the opposite type of family and so does DH. What you have, we have opposite. I can only see your write-up as my dream scenario. Sadly, reality was and still is, very different.

I’m sure you’ll have lots over the years of boundary setting and where to spend celebrations and all that. Can be a wonderful problem to have but I can also see maybe a little stressful. Best of luck!

As someone who has had a baby recently-ish (she’s 1 now), I think you’re justified. It feels like you’re feeling pressure to entertain, which you don’t have capacity for right now. That’s fair enough with my first, I had EVERYONE around within the first two weeks because I felt mean not letting them. I felt drained, ignored, unsupported and I quickly got sick of having to make endless cups of tea for people. It was a major contributor to my PPD, as I struggled to come to terms with my new body and new role and having to frame it through the lenses of being so physically broken and yet being responsible for the happiness of so many other people was really difficult. Most of them just wanted their photo with the baby and then I didn’t hear from them again. Second time around I didn’t even tell anyone I was pregnant except the two sets of grandparents. My MIL didn’t see the baby until she was almost 5 months old because I chose to protect my peace this time around.

However, I would say you can’t expect much support from that side of the family if that’s how the relationship will start. I expect nothing from my MIL, as I chose to not have her as involved this time around. It’s felt so much calmer and happier not being there to entertain other people after giving birth this time around.

I am obviously framing this response around my own experience and this may not be your experience right now. But I think it’s okay, they have forever to spend with the baby, you only have this time to heal on your own terms.

Again, why have you posted? You’ve absolutely no interest in any other point of view and you’re even creating a false idea in your own head that your family aren’t really getting time with the baby, it’s just a side effect so it doesn’t really count and your in laws have no reason to feel hurt or pushed aside. It’s all a fantasy. But you clearly do not see your husband’s parents as family to your baby. Good luck with that when they treat you the way they have been treated.

What is your DH doing?

So at a time when she is holding the baby could your MIL hold the baby instead?

Don't kid yourself. Yes they're wanting to help you, but of course at least 50% of the reason they're there, is to have contact with their new grandchild. If you refused to let them see the baby, I can guarantee they wouldn't be there for two weeks caring for you.

Honestly I didn't like my MIL and she was no help when i had dc or ever and a pretty poor parent to dh as well.... But I still wouldn't have stopped her meeting DC shortly after they'd been born .... Think they were before mine purely cos they were closer to the hospital?
Doesn't need to be extended stay or anything fancy but it does seem a bit unfair especially as your mum's moved in...

Mil was never very bothered about the dc after when tiny and fil no interest in his own dc nevermind gc ... But they made a bit of effort and were very keen to meet..bil and brother n sil also were early visitors...but cuppa was all that was on offer..

Based on the way they are invalidating my pain already, that tells me enough about what type of guests they will be. But overall they expected me to host for them when I was heavily pregnant and struggling to move around. So I can't imagine postpartum would be different. And they would make subtle comments about appearance during my pregnancy

I totally agree.

We're all wasting our time here.

they treated the OP badly, and now she's pulling back and asking for a few days of rest.

The in-laws started this sorry mess. Interesting it's all being blamed on the OP thought.

@hello1999 if your DH said he wanted his parents to stay for a few days to support him being a new parent what would you have said?

I think the massive imbalance makes you U. Fine if your mum had popped round for a visit and u didn't want anyone else, but to host your siblings and have your parents stay with you when you won't even let your in-laws round to visit just isn't ok.

But I don't think you've posted to be told that to be honest.

You know what I’ve noticed? Right from the start it was “my baby, my house”. Not our baby, our house.

Almost every comment here from people who don’t agree with you has talked about the hurt your in laws will feel, and talked about the consequences that can be lasting. Some have talked about your husband waiting to share this joy with his family. Yet, your replies ignore all of that. You’ll talk about your mum and your family in your replies, but no mention of your in laws, no acknowledgement of any hurt; no admittance that maybe they are right to be hurt; even if you aren’t going to change your mind. It’s all about you, your mum, your dad, your siblings. Barely even a mention of your husband.

It’s not like you’re completely ignoring posts either - but you only reply to part of them, and ignore anything about your in laws.

That’s fine, if that’s the person you are. But why post? You’re not interested in thinking about how they feel, and if that’s how you want to behave then that’s fine. You do that. But why post?

you can guarantee a mother wouldn't be there caring for her own child?
Seriously?

That says a lot about you, not about the OP!

but of course at least 50% of the reason they're there, is to have contact with their new grandchild.

If you are a MIL, you ARE a mother. But you would still not be interested in your own child , unless there's a baby? what???

I am a Grandmother. I have a son and a daughter. I was treated well by the children's Mother. My sons partner.
None of this silly nonsense about not having the sons Mother visiting. I honestly think what you are doing is horrible. You will reap what you sow and your MIl will not forget this. Over 80% of posters say yabu, you don't want that do you? You want people to agree with you.

I agree, the husbands family reacted appallingly, but I think it came from a place of hurt, as I said in an earlier comment the damage has been done. Op has made her decision and will have to deal with the consequences and try to make peace. I stand by my words, she said up thread she welcomed comments to help her understand and get a different perspective, but doesn't seem to have taken any of the comments on board.

No-one has the right to intrude on a woman's postpartum situation.
OPs family are there to support HER.
Her inlaws just want to see the baby.
I was ok with pretty much any visitors, as I felt great, and wanted to show off my baby.
But it was absolutely on my terms, because I'd given birth. His dad hadn't.
If OP wants to shut herself away with the baby for a while, without hosting, without having her baby passed around like a pass the parcel, then that's her prerogative.

The OP started it. They didn’t say anything until they were out of the blue told no visits… whilst her whole family are round. Then they lashed out. How did they start it?

I would have told him I understand but I'm not comfortable with my in laws being around whilst I am recovering.

But your mum met her grandchild within a day of her being born and of course she’s not going to be holding the baby for the entire two weeks, but she’s spending the first two precious weeks with her grandchild and you’re not even allowing your mother in law to meet her once for a couple of hours? Of course she won’t care what you look like - she’s given birth to herself and will remember what it’s like having a new born. As you say she’s there to help you, presumably your mum will be happy to make your mother in law a cup of tea and make small talk with her. It’s so cruel of you to treat a close family member like this

Firstly congratulations! If my in laws were like this they’d be meeting DC on their 18th birthday and not a minute before.

The comments about it being fair also piss me off, it’s not about being fair it’s about what you want OP, you grew the baby. I think it’s totally reasonable to wait as long as it takes until you want to see them, not when they feel like meeting your baby.

i would LOVE to know what support a man , or even a partner, can actually need when they're not the one who went through pregnancy and childbirth 😂

So if the husband had some kind of , I don't know, prostate surgery, his WIFE could reasonably ask her parents to support HER? 😂😂

No, the in laws weren't upset until after she told them that they couldn't visit for a week.

I get you feel more relaxed around your one family and not feeling like you need to be presentable etc.

however you seem to have a staff of 5’adults to look after and support you post birth & clean your house etc.
Surely with that level of support you can manage a quick shower and fresh pjs to then sit in the couch for an hour and be served tea and biscuits?

By the way they treated her in pregnancy. The type of people who send nasty messages like that are not the type of people OP wants there right now.

This is gonna cause long lasting bad feeling for the sake of an hour visit. You sound a little spoilt too tbh all very me me me. Yes you have had a baby and I know it's rough (I've had twins) but that is your baby's family too. Imagine your husband telling you your family can't visit. Your husband obviously sounds nice great supportive guy...maybe treat him with the same respect. My first MIL was horrible to me
at the hospital but I never banned her from coming to see the baby as much as I didn't want her there my H at the time did and was so proud to show off his new baby