AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Honestly, when I do something hurtful to someone, which I’m sad to admit I have done in my life, then I tend to try and give some leeway about their initial reaction. People lash out - I’ve lashed out too. So, I’ll let that initial response go, and then sort it out by first owning the hurtful thing I did.

The OP has done something hurtful. It’s not just her mum there helping her heal. Her mum, dad and 2 siblings were allowed to come to the hospital. Then her mum and dad move in. Then her siblings come round for dinner. And the in laws have been told they aren’t welcome for at least a week. And what if OP gets an infection? I had a terrible birth experience with my second, hut the infection that followed was worse. A week after birth, I was worse than the day of the birth. So… will OP push them back another week? Two? While her siblings will no doubt have been moved many times, and her mum has had hundreds of photos taken with the baby. Yes, her parents are there to help blah blah, but let’s not be disingenuous - they're also getting baby time.

What she has done is hurtful. They’ve lashed out. No one comes out of it looking good. But when you hurt someone, you give them a minute. Then you talk, both admitting fault and sorting it out.

This thread should be moved to the Feminist board.

Who needs the Patriarchy when a new mum a few hours after a difficult birth is being abused, told to get over it, her medical and mental condition completely dismissed, and is not allowed to express a choice or the need to recover for a couple of days.

That's how we treat women and mothers in this country. Mothers do not count apparently for so many people.

It's disgusting to read such violent and hateful attack.

People have more sympathy for someone with a toothache!

My mum stayed for two weeks with my first - then longer after my first baby!

It was such incredible support and DH and I were both so grateful. It kept things ticking over smoothly - at first letting me rest lots, then a pair of hands to hold baby when I was ready to be the one needing to get things done. My mum would make herself scarce in the evenings so DH and I still had time to talk etc and she was probably exhausted anyway.

I think it is great OP has her parents staying, but I do think if that is happening, half an hour for her DH's parents should be fair and manageable.

The OP is being pretty shitty to the woman who birthed her husband, whilst her own mum gets it all.

You still, (after 21 pages of comments and 82% of posters telling you yabu) dont get it do you op. I don't even think it's as simple as just about meeting the baby, as hurtful as that is. It's the very very clear message you're sending out that are 2nd class grandparents.

You are not being unreasonable but you’ve come to the wrong place for support sadly as people on here get very uppity about a DH’s family having a right to visit a newborn.

It is you and your husbands decision and if you’re both happy with that, that’s all that matters. A week is not a long time for the in laws to wait. Postpartum period is very intense and no walk in the park, I was anxious about visitors after a rocky start myself so I completely get it. Perhaps you could have held off on your siblings visiting if you really wanted to try to be “fairer” but I don’t really agree with this fair is fair thing, you’re in a vulnerable spot postpartum and if you’re not up to seeing them, that’s fine. They are also really wrong to send you mean messages about it when you’ve just gone through this huge thing!

I think both parties have handled this in damaging ways.

OP its one thing having your parents for immediate support, its explainable although could still be regarded as unfair...but the family chinese with siblings has caused damage to IL's now, its too unbalanced.

IL's shouldnt have text you how they did, theres no excuse. The only insight is theyve probably been upset and anger comes from sadness, so I think they were just very sad.

I wonder did you plan viait times with your parents and IL's befoee birth so everyone knew the plan or has it all just unfolded, if you didnt want viaitors it should have been discussed in advance. Seems IL's assumed theyd meet baby right away and so theres been disappointment.

For a sitting on the fence view, ive always disliked grandparents eagerness over baby and think the new mum should come first and baby second. As if the mum is made to feel comfortable then shes likely to give easy access to baby.

So i think instead of people phrasing it as when can i see baby, if they asked "hope youre ok and resting when you can, let me know if I can get you anything, hope baby is well and i look forward to seeing you and making you a cup of tea when you feel comfortable." - i think thatd get a different response.

This approach of the baby is "their family", like they are claiming rights, just sets off new Mums territorial nature response and they back away and feel uncomfortable.

Im not sure how you will fix this. Id leave communication to your husband for sure.

You say you dont want to be apart from your baby even going in a shower. There are sadly lots of Mums with babies in nicu,hdu,scbu up and down the country with weeks or months ahead of them where they are apart from their baby or.Mums whove experienced the worst, so maybe that perspective that yiu havr a healthy baby and you have came through childbirth with no severe or life threatening complications, that both you and baby being healthy will allow you to dig deep and go in your shower alone from your baby for a short time to let grandparents see baby in the next room with your dh and your parents there to watch over.

On this occassion Id maybe get dh to send them a message:
"there seems to have been a misunderstanding between us all and some hurt on both sides and im sure none of us want that moving forward in what should be a happy time for us all having had a safe delivery for mum and a healthy baby. Can you pop round tomorrow for an hour to say hello at 1pm?"

Id attempt to smooth this over asap and see how they react. Set the next visits every 2-3 days and have dh send them a couple of photos per day to tide them over.

Good luck x

An hour for her in laws to meet their grandchild is hardly onerous. It's no wonder that some fathers and their families feel pushed out. There'll be some cracking posts in 30 years from the op when her son's partner is banning her from meeting her grandchild for a week when the in-laws have set up residence.

My mum is here to help me, she's not here to hold the babh for 2 weeks straight

I think you are being unfair and hurtful and are playing favourites. You shouldnt be surprised if it ruins your relationship with them.
You are keeping them at arms length which is telling them you dont want to be close. Yet thats the reason you use for not letting them come.
There is no reason why they couldnt pop in for 15 mins to see you all and meet the baby before letting you back to your rest.

WHY is it so essential to meet a baby as quickly as possible, to the point of abusing the mum who is just shell shocked after a difficult birth?

will OP push them back another week?
if she needs to, yes? so?

I tend to try and give some leeway about their initial reaction.
you are kind, but why does all the work need to come from the OP? Why is she always the one at fault?

her mum has had hundreds of photos taken with the baby.
It's not a competition? Why trying to score point or demand like a petulant child "SHE had a cuddle, so I demand a cuddle".

The in-laws have already ruined what should be a happy moment coming home, but upsetting the OP and harassing her with hateful messages.

They should be ashamed of themselves. I can't imagine treating someone like that.

I wouldn’t like their demanding messages at all OP. It would put me right off and make me feel even more protective of my new baby.

But you handled it badly from the start unfortunately. I think you have to step outside your comfort zone to accommodate your in laws and treat all grandparents equally.
It must feel awful to them to be treated as second rate and to be prevented from seeing their new grandchild when they know you can happily accommodate your side of the family.
Unless there’s a back story, I think it’s best all round if you make the effort to prevent trouble building up now, and invite them for a cuppa.

Just also want to say, if you feel exhausted now, you will probably feel doubly so next week and thereafter for a while. You can’t hold them off until you feel better as that takes ages. You just learn to live with it and grab sleep an hour at a time whenever you can. So get that first awkward meeting done and out of the way asap.
Wishing you all the best with your lovely new baby. Congratulations!

If sounds like MIL and SIL make you feel like you need to perform or host for them, there must be more to the relationship with them to make you feel so uncomfortable.
You have your family there to support you and your husband to make the tea etc. They will be excited and desperate to see the wee one, and they didn’t just turn up at the hospital or your house, but the longer they are made to wait then it will make them feel like you don’t like them/ don’t want them there. However, their messages are out of order and would be much less likely to make you want them there though, so I do see why it now feels awkward. I’d just get it over with if I were you as the longer it drags on the bigger an issue it becomes, bringing more stress upon yourself. You don’t have to put on a show for them, be in your PJs, sit and let others do the hosting part - it doesn’t have to be for long.

so your mum isn’t around the baby? And your dad and two siblings haven’t been around the baby? Sorry, I thought they’d be in the same room but if you’re not giving them access then it’s all fair then.

it's not about the grand-parents!

it's about the MOTHER. SHE has priority and SHE should be the focus!

And this is why her own parents have an easier relationship, they care about their daughter, and care about the OP's wellbeing.

The in-laws don't give a shit about her (read what messages they have sent), and believe they have some weird right over her baby.

If you want to be close to. your DIL, treat her like a human being. That would be a good start.

Absolutely ridiculous carry on although saying that it's literally par the course for the recent ridiculous carry on regarding child birth.

As someone who has navigated tricky in laws and a newborn baby - you are being unfair.

however - you said your in laws expect you to be up and about and look presentable- what did they say exactly because this is a pretty extreme stance to take wrt the mother of a newborn! If they genuinely expressed that I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

No. Ignore this. If you don’t want them there you have a right to say no.

My sister had the no visitors rule but it applied to both families. Personally I don't like babies, so was not an issue. But both sets of grandparents were treated the same. I do think you are having very double standards and treating your husbands family as if they are not your family. That will hurt them. Yes, you should be able to rest. But from their point of view their son's in laws can visit but they're banished to acquaintance status. Families sometimes involve doing things you don't want to. Does your SIL have children yet? From the way you have acted, don't be surprised if your PIL prioritise them over yours as they all grow up.

Why would in laws care? Would they say something? I wouldn’t care what they thought. It’s understandable you just want your family but to not have them for an hour when your family are there is very hurtful and unfair

She'll get a hell of a lot of opportunities to hold that baby in two weeks though. And if she's not holding her, she can gaze at her. She can count her fingers and toes, and know that her grandchild is perfect. As can your dad and your siblings.

Meanwhile the other woman whose genes your baby carries and who is going to love and protect that child every bit as much as your mum, is left in the cold. She can't even see her grandchild for the first time.

The messages were of course, very wrong. But you hurt her badly, and you need to own that.

Of course my mum and my other family members are around the baby. But they are here for ME, seeing the baby is a happy positive. But in general, they are here to support me and help me

I really feel for you, I felt the same in the first week and hated having in laws round, I regret having them round as soon as we were back from hospital and I had to go into another room and lie down I was in so much pain whilst baby was in other room. Horrible.

Can you say a bit more about in what way they would expect you to be up and about and presentable? What are they like generally? Are you feeling uncomfortable just because you’re not that close to them (understandable) or because of how they would be? That might be helpful context for advice

and congratulations!!

I agree. Why all the tit for tat and everything has to be 'fair'. Just sounds so childish and selfish to me. God help me if I become like that and lose all empathy and emotional maturity. It is not a competition. If the ILs really care and want to be involved they can send a card and bunch of flowers or drop round some meals/offer to get some groceries. But they'd rather alienate their DIL, rather than have patience and wait a handful of days. Their behaviour which I doubt is unprecedented is why OP feels uncomfortable with them. If I'd been sent nasty messages 2 days after giving birth they'd be waiting longer than 5 days for a visit - I'd probably not want to ever see them again.

Sure, my mum gets to hold the baby. But overall she is helping me, making sure I'm okay.