AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Mine and DH's parents met my baby at the exact same time. The 4 of them came in with presents, flowers for me and a load of food for us. It's a lovely memory (and it was about 12 hours after we got home from hospital).

There are some hard lessons ahead for you to learn, OP, if you don’t listen to what people are saying here. What looks and feels ok in the short term can be very counterproductive in the long term if you are being unreasonable or unjust (which you are, by the way).

Gosh how hurtful of you! Stop being precious and let them visit for ten minutes.

OP I don’t think you should make yourself read this thread anymore, it’s attracted some vicious bullies and you don’t need this toxicity when you’re pp. 💐 Just do you and worry about the rest later (and maybe ask mn to take this thread down as it’s a vicious pile on and those posters are going to just keep bashing you over the head and you don’t need that rn). A week is no time to wait after 9 months, and good ILs would understand. 💐

Congratulations!! I have only boys so if I’m lucky enough to be a granny one day I will be the MIL. I read the title ready to be worried. You’ve done nothing wrong!

Id be thrilled to meet grandbaby after a week wtaf is wrong with these monsters. Postpartum is a rollercoaster and hard time for all Mums and they should be giving you understanding and love and asking can they do anything to make your life easier. If you were my DIL I’d be asking if I could bring any treats when we visit and let us know if we hold baby too long, do you want us to bring any food or do any jobs for you both and let us know when you’re ready for baby to be watched at the house so you and husband can both catch up on sleep.

You do not deserve their nastiness and your husband has to nip this in the bud and rip them a new one NOW. You will never forget how people treated you in this time of your life when you just gave birth, hormones are all over the place, you’re sleep deprived you have a brand new baby to care for. Do not reply to them. All communication via husband they’ve burned that bridge now the selfish witches.

Yes, I think you are seriously unreasonable ánd setting up for a worse relation, which is not in the interest of your newborn at all either.

I couldn’t imagine doing this even though I would have fathered they didn’t come. That’s how bad feelings start. I’d be so upset if my dil did this with me. I hope you feel the same way if your son in the future doesn’t allow you to come whilst your dil’s whole family have been round and spent dinner there. I think it’s very cruel although their messages aren’t nice either

I agree.

She's feeling awful.. trying to get used to things and she's asked for a week

ONE WEEK. - its really not much to ask!

In return she gets nasty abusive texts...
I wouldn't want to see them either after that.
In particular they way they dismissed her saying she was ill. Who wan'ts visitors like that when you are recovering from a difficult birth?

They have no consideration. Yes. she did she her own family first, and explained that it was because they don't make her feel uncomfortable. but I bet that tired her out too.. then to go straight into round two with visitors who have been unpleasant. She probably just needs a few days to settle and get used to it all.
That's not selfish. That is prioritising your own health and peace of mind

OP your DH is being as wet as water and he should have told them off for those texts and that he would arrange a visit as soon as you feel better.

He also needs to tell them that he doesn't want to hear any moaning about equal rights with your family, or that is a song they will continue to sing.

I'm sure you would have felt very differently if they had been nice about it and sent friendly, kind messages. I hope your DH tells them that!

I hope you get a chance to rest and enjoy your new baby. It will be easier once they've had their visit...

Sorry but this is absolute cobblers. DH was just as excited for his parents to meet DC as I was for my parents to meet them. We were both excited for people who love us to welcome a new member of the family.

The OP has her parents and siblings staying with her, yet she can't find an hour for her DH's parents and siblings to meet the new arrival?

And yup, Llamallamafruitpyjama, I'm sure you'd be fine and dandy waiting for a week to meet your son's child when your daughter in laws parents had been in residence for a week 😁

OP, can you understand why (regardless of whether expressed or sucked up) your child’s other grandmother and aunts might feel hurt and excluded?

I’m also surprised your own mother hasn’t encouraged you to make some time to see them, is it possible she has tried to broach this, and you have missed the clues.

I understand they want to meet the baby.

And no, my mum is glad I'm not forcing myself to have visitors over

Oh come on. There are some unhelpful replies on this thread. Of course OP will feel ok round her parents and siblings - and not around in laws who make comments beginning ‘in my day…’ and who expect her to be properly dressed. Any MIL who talks like that doesn’t deserve to see her DGC.

What a horrible thing to say, I had my youngest not 8 years ago and can remember very well what giving birth is like. As much as I didn’t even get on with my mil I love my partner and would not have made such an obvious difference with his family. I also have a son in his 20s and if I was treated like this I would be very upset. There’s nothing bitter about me

You're the one who endured the trauma of childbirth. Not your husband. Surely your MIL could cut you some slack?

Your parents are staying with you to provide help. And of course you're going to be more relaxed around them than you are your in laws.

Wtf were they thinking sending you those texts when you're vulnerable? If I was your husband I'd be bloody livid.

Concentrate on your own needs and those of your wee one. That's the most important thing atm. You'll know when you can cope with them visiting.

Sod the poll result...you're not being unreasonable at all. 🌸

Why did you bother posting?

You’re getting everything you want. Your family are quite happy as they’re getting what they want. None of you care about wider family or future consequences of hurtful behaviour. So… what are you wanting from this thread?

You’re going to do what you’re going to do. And I doubt you’ll ever actually understand that what you’ve done is hurtful, no matter what your reasons are.

I’m the mother of sons and I doubt very much if I’d be kept waiting this long - because I won’t make unpleasant comments suggesting a new mum is being ridiculous wanting her own family there.

It will get them off your back op. Half an hour is honestly really quick, but it ticks a box of letting them see baby in her earliest days (they DO change fast) and not feel totally excluded.

I truly think you will feel better if you can face doing that. Choose a time that suits you (maybe just after you are planning a shower) put on fresh pjs - or actually, in this weather a maxi sundress is just as comfortable and looks dressed which will make you feel more comfortable - a slick of lip gloss and brush your hair. Your mum or DH can be on tea duty and a quick tidy up of the room before they arrive, you can hold baby and show them (and they won't really be looking at you!)

It'll be over in no time. Honestly DH can spend longer in the loo!

I truly don't know what the point of you posting was when you're determined not to listen.

The majority of posters have told you you're being unreasonable, but sure carry on ignoring it and cherry picking your own world view.

No that is quite frankly rubbish of you. Get a grip. It sounds mean and point scoring to me. I'm the one who stopped off at Pizza Express and went in myself to pick up the pizzas on the way home from the hospital so I have very little sympathy. Not easy births, any of the four - expected neonatal death of a twin baby included. Treat your husband's parents with some respect even if you head upstairs while they are there. Yes rest up but childbirth is part of life. Get over it.

Victim blaming at its finest

The in-laws are the ones harrassing and sending vile messages to a new mum, completely dismissing her feelings and her well being,

but it's the OP who should feel sorry and suck it up? Instead of waiting for the apologies SHE should be receiving?

You don’t even need to be in the room when they are there.

They shouldn’t have sent the texts but I do think it is wrong to not let them have a short while with the baby and their son.

And why do you need your parents for 2 weeks, doesn’t your DH have paternity leave? How do you think he really feels having his in-laws stay for 2 weeks and his parents can’t even have 5 minutes. He is adjusting becoming a father. Yes he doesn’t have the physical bit to recover from, but both DH and I had the emotional side of becoming parents

If my mum had stayed with us for 2 weeks she would have told me to let MiL to see baby.

OP some people have been really unkind and spiteful on this thread which is completely uncalled for and I feel for you reading some of the replies as a first time mum. At the same time, they’re not just visitors, they’re your daughter’s grandparents. Your mum is being a bit unfair when she’s been at the hospital and has moved in for the first few precious weeks. She’s getting to see her grandchild all day every day

If they are the type of people who 'hate the guts' of their GD's mum then I'm really not surprised OP doesn't want them visiting.

anyone telling a new mother "get over it" doesn't deserve any sympathy or time.

You might enjoy being a martyr, the OP is setting up healthy and needed boundaries. I bet she will have more empathy and emotional intelligence, and happier children, than someone who is clearly lacking both and still has a chip on her shoulder.

God forbid the new mother should get what she wants. I mean, what the hell did she do? Everyone else's feelings should absolutely be prioritised. If her own feelings are hurt, she should suck that up to make others happy. Her MIL's feelings matter more than her own, and that is exactly as it should be.

OP, I threw a cocktail party for the entire extended family only 24 hours postpartum. I have no idea why you are struggling. It's all so easy.