AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

To be honest if they sent those messages I can understand why you wouldn't want them visiting. But why tell them about your visits. Just keep it private.

This exactly - its wrong to not let them see their new grandchild even half an hour while you shower or something if you dont want them to see you.

My baby will still be a newborn in a week

I can understand that op, but you get to choose the time. Don't choose a time when the baby needs to feed.

If you offer half an hour, you have lots of hands to help you get a quick cup of tea for them, to shepherd them out after half an hour and to help you either get tidy or to introduce the baby i your absence.

I know you don't want to be far from your baby or to feed in front of them, but you don't need to. You can stay in the room. Who cares if you look a bit rough? They are thinking worse of you for not letting them come. And half an hour is quick: if you really cannot face them, leave the room. You are not that far from your baby and baby will be fine for that time. If not, DH can bring baby to you.

I get that you are feeling vulnerable but I do think you are dealing with that by being overly controlling and thereby creating a more stressful situation.

So why can't you go and have a shower

the hell?

how patronising can you get? Who the hell are you to tell a new mother how she should look after her own baby and what she should do in her own home?

Who the hell thinks it's normal to dump a newborn with their deranged MIL and just go and have some me-time?

Her body, her choice, her newborn baby, her choice too!

I love the MIL from hell who treat new mothers like silly little idiots.

Congratualtions!

MN loves to demonise DILs. It’s insane.

I understand you entirely. With my first, all I wanted was my mum. I felt like I had to host my MIL and make an effort with my appearance and the cleanliness of my house and run off to nurse. But in reality, my MIL was so very helpful. She didn’t expect any of that. And it was very sweet to see them with our son.

Your personal comfort is incredibly important. It’s your daughter and your postpartum. That being said, I do feel somewhat bad for your in laws (though, less so with their selfish messages!!). Perhaps your husband could speak to them and say they can come over but they must bring a meal and not expect any hosting/must give baby back when you or he asks? My DH was great at managing expectations. There were no niceties unless they provided them (same with my parents).

What happened to you was awful. Well done for showing that man’s parents their grandchild even after what he did to you.

But the OP is a unique and separate person in a dyad with her baby. Her feelings are different from yours and she has a right to them.

...

There was a whole conversation on the previous page about how of course OP doesn't want to sit with her boobs out in front of her in laws - and whether or not she could sit and block her body with a breastfeeding pillow ending with this:

"Newborns cluster feed, breastfeeding can be hard to establish often with latching issues, and to someone getting to grips with that not someone weeks/months down the line there is a lot of boobs out. It’s really not that weird a concept for a new mum with a new baby."

You’d rather they see you all glammed up next week whilst hating your guts?

They’ll not forgive you for banning them for a week. Best you correct asap.

Let them come and visit. You can go and lie down if you don’t want to see them. It’s incredibly selfish to have your family but not your husband’s.
Your mil is correct- you had a baby. We’ve been doing it for millennia.

if they hate the new mum's guts, they are not safe at all to be left anywhere near the baby.

Why should the OP forgive THEM for treating her so badly when she had just given birth? It's unexcusable.

If you really do hate your own DIL's guts. you do need therapy, it's not normal

If your next baby is a boy, I hope you remember your stance when he and his partner have a baby in 30 years time.

Your daughter is to your in laws as she is to your parents, the child of their child.

My sister didn't meet my son until he was 15 months old, I'm sure the in laws can wait a week or so. I'll never forgive my ex for bringing his adult daughter to the hospital when DS was only a day old and her covering him in her perfume. My mum and brother had got the train from where they live to where I live (going into London, across and then out again) and ex and his DD were there at the same time, which really annoyed my mum. I was so out of it because of tiredness I couldn't think straight.

I really disagree with this, they are not vile peolle, they are grandparents and aunties who would like to see the baby belonging to their son and brother. In the same way that her parents and siblings have already been allowed to do.

Whilst I totally agree with having boundaries as a newborn mum, this just seem unfair to DR'S family.

Genuinely think it's a bit late now. Inviting them round when OP doesn't want to see them and they're already pissed off is a bit lose-lose.

if they hate the new mum's guts, they are not safe at all to be left anywhere near the baby.

This leap doesn’t make sense!

Oh I stand by what I wrote, they ARE vile

my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

Well, you’ve made up your mind. So you do you. But you need to accept that your choice does impact on other’s feelings, and they are actually right to feel hurt here. They’re not making up a reason. You have hurt them. So you can’t behave as though you havent. You can go whatever you want, as long as you understand that there are consequences on other people’s opinion of you, and on how the family may go in the future.

You may have them very worried and upset that you have just set a precedent that your family will be included and his family won’t be. Only one spare ticket for the school show? Your mum gets it, not his. That sort of thing. They might not be right, but they aren’t wrong to be concerned about that.

They also might be a bit more cold towards you in the future, not abusive or nasty, but just like they don’t trust you the way they did before. That sort of thing.

Again, you can do what you want. But there are consequences and you don’t get to then say the consequences are unfair. When you hurt people, they will act hurt. And that isn’t wrong.

I wonder what the overlap is between the Mumsnet posts where no one/half of the family can't meet the baby and the Mumsnet posts where the ops child(ren) is treated differently to the other children in the family or op is upset family won't do childcare.

There are a lot of very emotional responses on here!

It is a very vulnerable time for new mums, but there still needs to be a sense of proportion. If they were wanting to come and stay, I'd answer differently, but I think offering half an hour, with all the support OP has round her, ought to be perfectly manageable.

The poster is obviously not well, and was talking rubbish

but if someone was really "hating your guts", surely they would be the last person on earth coming close to your baby!

I'm so glad that my DD respected her PILs when her babies were born. We both met our grandchildren on the same day. Neither of us stayed for long, but we both had the joy of seeing mother and baby (and proud dad) early on.

Having your parents at the hospital, staying with you for two weeks, and your siblings round for a meal, while not allowing your PILs even a few minutes to set eyes on their grandchild, for a full week, is just so unbalanced it's cruel. If I was your mother, I'd be encouraging you to be fair to the other grandparents. I'd feel so bad about the disparity.

So much harder for parents of the father to be involved with their grandchildren, than the parents of the mother.

Seemingly you have a lot of help there but can't manage a visit, be very hard for them to not take it personally.

And siblings at the hospital also. Not just the dinner, they were right in there at the hospital too. But gran and grampa don’t get to even see their grandchild.

Of course YANBU, OP. You feel how you feel, and when you just had a baby, you get to call the shots and your feelings come far, far ahead of anyone else's.

You have not forbidden them from coming FFS - you asked them to wait one week. And they responded with insults and pressure.

You made the right call. Stick to your timetable. If they show up and start in with guilt and insults, then just wander away for a nap, and tell DH he can visit them with the baby from now on.

God you'd think women who give birth could at least expect a single week of grace and consideration. You asked very little and they gave you less.