AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

You don’t know what she thinks.

I promise you, you do not need to look fairly presentable being freshly postpartum in your own home.

You also do not need to be “up and about”.

If your husband is as great and caring as you say he is, he would be making it clear to you AND his parents, that this is your home and you can do whatever you want in it.

If they want to come over to visit, it’s your husbands job to set the boundaries with them and make it clear to them that you will be need to rest and will be in your PJs/etc.

She isn’t feeding round the clock, and if baby is having a bad afternoon then you call the in laws and ask them to come later.

the baby is 2 days old 😂

stop talking to people like they don’t know what it’s like to have a newborn
you don't sound like YOU do

and even if you did, WHY do you think your way is the only way, and your experience the only one?

TBF, she's far from the only one, isn't she?

While I don’t agree with their sending those texts, I can see why they’re upset. You’ve just made half your child’s family feel second best and excluded. You could have had them over for half an hour for a little coo over the baby. You didn’t need to be up and about. I feel sad for them. It perhaps wouldn’t be so bad if it had just been your mum, but your siblings too get a week before your mother in law- seems pretty mean. But I guess it will get them used to all the xmases and birthdays that they’re going to be second best too.

In-laws welcome to visit but have to take you as you are. Its your home . Fuck them

what is this "fair" and this ridiculous need for competition?

What does this have anything to do with a woman who needs privacy, can be with her close relatives who have known her from birth but is not ready for visitors yet?

What's that nonsense about "allowing"?

Let her be! why can't the in-laws behave like any decent human being and wait to be invited, instead of being so rude and dismissive, and actually delaying any possible visit?

If they can't even be trusted now, no way can they be trusted with the child later. They clearly have no respect or care about the mother, her choices and her preferences anyway.

Vile people they are/

Op you are the baby's mum, you have done an incredible job but all that is being asked of you is a quick visit and maybe a cup of tea - and it sounds as though you have plenty of hands to help with making a quick cup of tea. You don't have to have your baby away from you at all if you are prepared to receive them in the same room as you.

You have had your siblings round, your parents are staying so, quite honestly, YABU.

I completely understand your pov op but at the same time as mil I would be upset. Having said that, I wouldn't text you, is text my son.

And I'd try to understand how you're feeling. It doesn't sound like your in-laws are even trying to understand why you feel uncomfortable around them.

Could you explain to them that you are not up to hosting, and maybe give them the chance to come visit on your terms ie you don't get up to make the tea, you can wear what you are comfortable in, and they leave when you say you're tired.

Does an anyone else think that social media has lead to an increase in grandparents expectations and created an anxiety about “missing out” on early moments and bonding? I feel it has.

When my mum had us in the 1970s her mum and dad’s dad came to the nursing home once I think (mum was in a week after easy deliveries with babies in the night nursery overnight and there were very restricted visiting hours). Once she came out of hospital her mum visited and stayed a couple of weeks to help; there was no paternity leave then. When mine were born in the 90s both sets of grandparents visited once at the hospital for a brief visit and then went back home for about a fortnight before we saw them again. My mum stayed for a week or two after ex DH went back to work and afterwards my in-laws came once a fortnight and we went out for Sunday lunch and we saw my parents less frequently due to distance. There wasn’t this insistence you see now of fair sharesies and grandparents needing to bomd with tiny babies and have “alone time” as some seem to do. I don’t think my in-laws seethed because my mum got to spend two weeks mucking us out and cooking and yes, getting the odd cuddle between the incessant breast feeds. Nor am I aware of my parents seething because we saw my in-laws more than them after my mum went home. As the babies got older, gained independence and confidence and developed personalities and awareness of the wider world so their relationship with their grandparents developed. That seems quite natural to me. Tiny babies just want their mother and they are least stressed when with her. They spend most of their time feeding or sleeping. They are utterly useless so we are biologically programmed to be extremely protective of them and anxious if separated.

We expect an awful lot from new mothers in our culture these days. Many are quite knocked about by labour and delivery and then there’s the sleep deprivation as has ever been the case except for the very rich. I think we need to nurture them more, many other cultures do.

Now people see extended family in delivery rooms on American reality shows and Social Media posts of friends and acquaintances snuggling tiny grandchildren with no parents in sight and I think, like with so much social media, they then feel they are failing or being failed if they don’t get the same, even though the baby’s mum and dad may well have have been three feet away when that photo (summer filter plus 40% vignette) was taken of Clare stood by the window gazing down at squishy baby Ivy, her finger clutched by a tiny hand …

Well. Mt way was pretty bloody bad. Blue baby: bit breathing, resuscitated, unable to hold his temperature so into hit box before I held him.

And… I managed some visits with his grandparents, who were the parents of the man I had left because he pushed me down the stairs (and @edwinbear said I deserved to be left)

So yeah, I’d say I’m pretty “wtf” at someone who won’t allow her husband’s mum to come and meet her son’s child, for an hour, when she doesn’t need to move or host or do anything. And if her husband is at all decent then he can move them along if baby starts up or anything awkward needs doing.

Tbf, that's OPs take on it. For all we know the in-laws are totally fine with her in any condition and are more taken with the baby.

I find this especially cruel. Your mum alone, I could understand but to have your entire family there for over a week before the baby's paternal grandma gets even a look seems very hurtful.

You're making every excuse because your mind's already made up. At least own it.

No they are still close family. Exact same relationships as mum's family. Ie parents and siblings. What a dreadful way to introduce a child to the world: here you go hierarchy. Mum's family first.

Oh gosh, how dare people assume a mother would feed a baby in the biologically normal way 🙄

This was even covered in my NCT classes 😂

Reminding us, pregnant women, that we didn't owe anyone anything and we were absolutely entitled to privacy and the chance to rest and bond with our babies, and it was up to us to INVITE guests, not get thrown aside like a second-class citizen and being dismissed.

That should even be in a leaflet given to all women in maternity ward. Or send to their MIL , most MIL seem to need reminding that they can't treat their own DIL so horribly😂

What do you mean you don't want your baby away from you for long - I didn't realise your husband's family were proposing to take your daughter out !
I thought they wanted to come to your home, and your husband's home to see the new baby.

So why can't you go and have a shower - how long does that take ? and your husband i.e. the baby's father can show his family the new addition.

Your family can make cups of tea and give out biscuits.

Then you can come downstairs, freshly washed and dressed and take baby away for a feed or whatever.

Or you could sit on the sofa for 20 mins. Why would you be anxious just because you would be in the shower. Do you really believe your husband and his parents are going to dash out with the baby to the supermarket or somewhere.

I hope you are getting your husband to change nappies and dress baby etc. allow him to parent or you will end up doing everything.

well MUM comes first so yes. 😂

If you decide to create a hierarchy, you will the one losing out, what a stupid thing to do.

As the mum of only boys, the thought of never getting to see one of my GC (should I have any) as a new newborn is upsetting TBH, when others would get that privilege. I would never text saying someone was selfish but I would be gutted. I wouldn't care one joy if my DIL was sat on the sofa doing nothing looking rough, in fact I'd expect her to do exactly that!

Don't roll your eyes at me. OP is already feeling like shit and we've got people banging about establishing breastfeeding in front of their in-laws when she may not want to or be able to do it. I wish people would think.

I breastfed for 2 years myself but I would never have met a new mum and spoken to her as if it were a given.

Omg yes that’s massively unreasonable. You and your baby are part of your husbands family as well as your own. Making them wait a week when your entire family has been to visit is not on.

Why can’t they just pop round for half an hour? Let your dh take the lead, let them have a quick cuddle - job done. You’re making it sound like you’ll need to host them for a 3 course meal. I’m not particularly close to my in-laws but they came to visit in hospital the day after I gave birth (stuck in for a week also due to complications) They are also my baby’s grandparents, and my husbands family. Just be clear that you’re not doing anything other than sitting on the sofa, and it’s to be a fairly short visit - or if they want to stay longer you’ll be heading upstairs to sort baby and they can stay and chat to dh.

I'm sorry you're upset about the responses to your post, but you did ask. I don't think the majority of the responses have been cruel, just frank, honest opinions. I do think your decision was very hurtful. Even if you do decide now to invite them round, it will be a long time before the damage is repaired. If I was your mum I would have advised you against the decision you made. If you should have a son in the future you might understand the hurt you've caused, and I hope your dil will be more thoughtful.

Sometimes - yes! Your husband is clearly on your side and very loyal. He can absolutely minimise your discomfort here. He can set a firm boundary that’s it’s 30 - 45 minutes only and that any negative comments about the house or your parenting or appearance and they are out. You’re telling me you can’t do 30 minutes of being uncomfortable physically, in order for your husbands family not to feel pushed out? Jeez I’ve been going wrong somewhere because I’ve done things I haven’t wanted to all my life to keep the peace and smooth things over and make things easier for the people I love. How uncomfortable can you be in your own home really? Just say hello, thanks for coming, take a bath, tell your husband to make them leave before you come down, disassociate for a bit (don’t we all do this when someone’s getting on our tits?!?). Come on, babies can cope for 30 - 45 minutes while their Mum takes a bath, even newborns.

Not one poster has told her to work on breastfeeding in front of her in laws. What on earth are you talking about? I think you need some sleep as you’re starting to hallucinate comments.

Would you feel comfortable if your in-laws came to visit with your parents being present too?

That way, you don’t have to be “up and about”. Your mum/dad can make a brew for your in-laws.

Then after an hour, your parents can make the call of “right, shall we all get going? And leave OP, husband and baby to have some dinner and rest”?

Then your husband can add “yes it’s been lovely having you all round to meet baby. We’ll be in touch soon”.