AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

apparently

MIL being able score point because she has decided to be in competition with your own parents, that matters more.

I bet if you had any other medical issue, surgery or other, and were asking for a few days to rest, people would send you supportive messages.

But somehow when you have a child, you don't matter anymore. It's depressing.

I have a one year old. I had a really rough labour and felt ill for a while. I get that you want to spend more time with your family, I was exactly the same with my in-laws. However, I would meet in the middle by at least letting them come round for an hour.

I wasn't well enough to sit and have dinner with my own family in all honesty or have my own sister at the hospital, so you should be okay to have an hour and sit and have a cup of tea and let your in-laws meet the baby. It might not be what you want, but surely you can grin and bear it to keep the peace?

I think you're being a bit precious tbh and it could damage your relationships long term.

This post must be rage bait, it’s that or there’s going to be a huge drip feed and back story.

Absolutely. I'm out.

What are they going to do that will cause you physical discomfort?
You won’t have to move. See yourself up with your breastfeeding pillow or whatever makes you comfy right now, get settled in holding baby. Husband answers the door, they coo for a bit. If baby is fed and happy and settled then they get a cuddle, your husband deals with teas and coffees (or your parents since they’re also there).

You don’t even get up. Sit on a mat/blanket if you’re worried about bleeding though, pillow or throw over your legs so they won’t even see most of your body. You don’t lift a finger, you don’t hand baby round for pass the parcel. But a cuddle with gran and grampa if she is settled is wonderful.

What discomfort is there? Will your husband not host properly, so you need to do everything? Are your in laws known to be awful and abusive? Do you not get on at all?

There must be background if you would risk doing such a cruel thing for the sake of an hour with them meeting the baby.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.
Op, whilst I understand the relationship you have with your birth family and how that differers from your in laws I think your reaction to them wanting to visit very extreme. Unless there’s a massive drip feed here and there is no/a poor relationship with your in laws I can’t understand why they can’t have any contact with the new baby.
are they local?
are they seeing DH?
if you don’t feel up to seeing them couldn’t you allow them to meet baby whilst you’re having a nap.? They can just peer in the Moses basket and ooh and ahh at the new baby and then sneak out. Baby will be literally in the next room and DH would be there.

The only new mum who had to look presentable shortly after giving birth was Kate Middleton as that was her job. Really, it won't matter if you're wearing sweat pants. They only need to meet the baby.

Have you shared photos with them yet?

Such a supportive and caring , respectful comment to a new mum.
Do you say this to your own daugher and DIL, or just the OP?

It really isn’t the big deal you’re making it out to be. thankfully in 2026 women have decided that they ARE a big deal, and their opinion and well-being matter.

They are not exactly equal in the circumstance op describes though. Yes they equally blood related to the baby. But no, they are not equal in the vulnerable postpartum moments in which you feel physically and emotionally drained and might just need the support of those closest to you in the world.

There’s a balance, your discomfort doesn’t make you incapable of considering other people’s feelings. I also think that if they did say it was the baby they want to see and not you it’s because it was clear that you were uncomfortable about seeing them.
Most of us remember how we felt after having a baby and aren’t putting the boot in for the sake of it. You asked if you were being unreasonable and a majority seem to think you are, and we aren’t all bitter MILs.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, and sorry you aren't feeling great.

I do agree with everyone else, that you should give the in laws a quick chance to see the baby. I get that you feel physically and mentally not great right now, but sometimes we have to do things that are hard, in order to not massively upset other people.

Almost all of us who have given birth have probably felt as you did, and not especially wanted to see our in-laws. But most of us just make up our minds to endure it for 15 minutes or so, in order to be kind.

But for an hour’s visit, you wouldn’t even need to be up and about. Even years ago, before you had a baby or were even pregnant, would you spend an hours visit with someone running around your house, or would you sit yourself down and have a cup of tea with them?

You really are making up things to worry about. Your husband will do the running around, and you will sit down and not move. And no way will your MiL say “why are you sitting down.” When there is zero reason to stand up during a quick visit.

People who create their own misery by making problems up are insufferableZ

I cannot believe anyone would dismiss a woman like this.

People scream against the "patriarchy" but this thread is textbook what is keeping women down.

On which planet is a woman not allowed privacy and her own choices! Who the hell are these people who can tell her what to do, how to do it, and not to have an opinion about her own baby.

I think it would have been better to accept them judging you fleetingly for looking a bit scruffy than cause permanent bad feeling but it's done now. You may as well stick to it.

How is your relationship overall with your in laws? I think most people understand a new mother is not going to be hosting, do you genuinely think they'd care or is it your own awkwardness making you feel this way?

How long is your DH off for paternity leave? Is he actually going to get some time bonding with his child without his inlaws breathing down his neck? He sounds like a lovely husband going with what you are comfortable with, but don't you think he would like to see the people who are important to him hold his new baby?

Yes, you matter, but you are also responsible for another human being now. One who has two sets of grandparents, don't you think it would benefit your daughter to cultivate a lovely relationship with both sets?

They shouldn't have sent mean messages, but honestly they must be so incredibly hurt right now. I feel hurt and sad for them.

Yes your daughter and her grandparents relationship matters more than your slight discomfort. The first time they meet each other is a special moment, it will be one of your in laws best moments in their whole life but you feel too uncomfortable looking a mess to accommodate it.

There is nothing you can say to defend your actions. You are heartless and cruel for allowing your parents to stay with you for 2 weeks and not allowing your inlaws to meet their granddaughter.

People who create their own misery by making problems up are insufferableZ

the only one creating misery are the ridiculous and rude in-laws. The insufferable ones.

The OP is setting up boundaries and doing the opposite of creating or accepting misery.

Seriously? Great if you have the sort of relationship with your in-laws that you’d be happy bleeding all over a maternity mat on the sofa in front of them, with your boobs out on a breastfeeding pillow whilst baby is on/off whilst still learning to feed. Hell would freeze over before I did that.

Can people please try to remember - even if you disagree with OPs view and actions - what it is like to be newly post-partum? I didn’t have the same issue as OP, but I do remember feeling extremely vulnerable, emotional, terrified, and with good hormonal reasons. I wish she hadn’t posted, for her own sake.

Yes your daughter and her grandparents relationship matters more than you

but no

the in-laws do not matter more than the OP.

How entitled can you get!

Are your in-laws genuinely so horrible that they are going to complain and be unkind to you if you are sitting on the sofa looking like a mess? If they are, then of course you are right not to see them. We don't know your in-laws so it's hard for us to judge. Most humans don't expect a post-partum mom to be at her best, hosting them. If yours do then that's different obviously.

But even then, couldn't your husband have a word and just tell them not to be such utter dicks?

You’re being very unfair to them. They’re the same relations to your baby as your family are. Your husband is your baby’s parent too. YABVU.

Only has boundaries with the second class family though, eh? And I bet she’ll be expecting childcare and help later when it suits, for the next 13/14 years. But yup, those oh so important boundaries of refusing a first visit whilst her mum, dad and two siblings are round constantly.

Sorry but they are family as well and I can see why they are upset. You let your family come to the hospital and not just your parents but also your siblings, then you have them a meal and your in laws can’t come for a week!

you should test them the same to an extent. Ok your mum and dad have come to help, but there is no harm in them popping in for a couple of hours, your husband can supervise if necessary

yabu