AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Ah OP this is so hard. I totally hear you. My SIL really upset me when I’d just had my DS by insisting on coming to the hospital with her kids (we were in NICU) and because of the visitor limit, I actually had to leave the unit so they could spend time with my baby. It’s bloody unbelievable and I’m still fuming 3 years later. She also insisted on taking the baby for me when I got home and I was too drained to fight my corner - I just remember sitting in the other room crying for my baby. It was probably only 15 minutes but it was so awful. I’m usually quite a forthright person but I just couldn’t advocate for myself at that time. So I totally get not wanting to be parted from your baby. Don’t let anyone push you into taking her if you don’t want them to.

They are unbelievable for sending you horrible messages at this time. But despite all that I do think you should let them come round.

I’m not misunderstanding how awful and vulnerable you feel. I’m just saying that when you have a baby with someone, their family are every bit as related as your family and so you do need to just get over feeling uncomfortable and let them see their grandchild/neice. Your lovely family are there so let them support you through the visit.

congratulations on your gorgeous girl and don’t worry. You won’t always feel like this. It will all get easier xxxx

I do think the messages are unnecessary, but they will be hurting. I do think you’re very unreasonable As they are your daughter’s family as well, and they will be just as excited as yours to meet her

I think this is a very sad situation. I could have understood if you were insisting on doing that "my little family" thing that I've only ever come across on MN, but your own parents are staying with you and your siblings are sitting around on the sofa with takeaways, whilst your partner's & baby's family are being refused even a quick trip to meet their grandchild. No wonder they're hurt.

My in laws were the first to visit my baby (my MIL was wheeled over from a cancer care ward when my baby was hours old). My parents drove 200 miles each way a few days later when we were back at home. The love from both sides of our family was pure joy to see.

Imagine you had just given birth to a son, rather than a daughter. Then imagine how you would feel if you were pushed away in a similar fashion to what you are doing to your mother in law. As a parent to both boys and girls, one of my worst fears is that one of my boys will end up with someone controlling.

Absolutely, she is main character. Baby's family don't count, the family who will be there for life. New mother obvs won't ever mention lack of "village" either because she will remember that her "privacy" was respected 🙄

Where did you get “son” from? The OP wrote: “But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect”

And anyway who is “the tribe”? Do you mean his parents? Who are just as much family to the baby as the OP’s family are.

I just can’t get over you cutting out the parents of your husband.

My second was born blue. Taken off me right away, with a team coming in to work on him. Ended up put into his little plastic hot box, I wasn’t able to hold him. He was a trooper and was out after about 8 hours, able to maintain his own temperature so we could finally hold him. I’d spent a lot of that time bleeding, blood transfusions, stitches, anti sickness injections… it was pretty awful.

Yet, I’ve explained already how welcoming I was to my ex in-laws.

But I’m sure you feel a lot worse than I did, and can’t possibly sit on the sofa for half an hour for them to meet their son’s child.

The 'oh but people are so MEAN to the OP!' posters are missing the point. The OP is allowing her own family to see the new baby and stay with her, but her husband's family isn't even allowed to see the baby AT ALL.

I really pity and have great sympathy with anyone who has just sons, because this kind of thing often happens, the baby's mother's family trumping the baby's father's family. It's hurtful and it's cruel to exclude them like this. No wonder they're angry and upset. What a terrible way to treat your husband's family, and your baby's paternal grandparents!

If I were them I don't think I could get past this.... @hello1999 You need to do some damage control here and contact them tomorrow and ask them around for coffee for an hour or two and let them meet the baby. YOUR family has met your baby! It's plain wrong to exclude them like this. Tell them you were feeling a bit weary, and apologise to them...

And I shall say it again before I log off to go to bed, no WONDER so many women want daughters. Mothers of sons are treated appallingly, compared to mothers of daughters!

You're coming across as a bit melodramatic TBH.

It's your husband's baby too, unclench.

These comments are insane

Just leave the baby and go upstairs
Just suck it up and who cares how you feel
How dare you not wanting to host people because they have decided it's convenient for them

Do people actually behave like that?
They should be ashamed of themselves

If they are normally difficult people to be around, it's understandable, but if they're normally decent people it's pretty harsh for them not to be able to meet their new family member when the maternal side is getting extended time.

I had difficult, high recovery births and BiL was DS2's first visitor. It was supposed to be while we were in hospital but my discharge happened much quicker than anticipated so he came to our house very soon after we got home. I was knackered from the ordeal of dragging my battered body out of the hospital and slept through the visit so didn't even see him, but it's lovely that he was so keen to see his newest nephew. With DS1, IL's came on day 5 bearing in mind there were no visitors in the first 36 hours when we were in HDU.

I found visitors a pleasant distraction from the pain and complete exhaustion.

OP, I hope you don’t mind but I’ve reported this thread to MNHQ. I feel as a new mum, PP’s have behaved appallingly towards you, verging on bullying, and this is supposed to be a supportive place.

The 'oh but people are so MEAN to the OP!' posters are missing the point. The OP is allowing her own family to see the new baby and stay with her, but her husband's family isn't even allowed to see the baby AT ALL.

Well the baby comes as a package with his mum at this stage

If people could stop considering the mother like a second-class citizen who doesn't matter, whose physical and mental health is irrelevant, if people could start showing some respect, maybe there would be some relationship?

It's not "allowing"the family, it's just needing some privacy and time to recover !

What difference does it make if you meet a grand-child when he's 2 or 5 days old?
literally none.

Haven't rtft, but yes yabu unless there's a drip feed you left out of your post. I'd understand more if was just your parents, but you have your parents and siblings around.

Yes you're recovering and completely understand you're more comfortable with your own family at the moment. However I'd be afraid you're already beginning the habit of your family taking precedence. I had to get out of my own comfort zone when I had DD (now 3), when I was on maternity leave and my DH was back working. My PIL minded my niece 1 day a week and I took my DD down to their house to spend time with her grandparents and cousin from when she was a couple of months old. I still feel slightly awkward with my in laws (due to me being socially awkard, nothing on their part) They are equally as related to DD as my side of the family are, and actually see her more than my side even though my family is close. They adore her and she them.
Does your brother have children? How would you feel if a sil treated your parents (and you) the same?

But that post is about you.
The OP isn’t.

Of course you should have time to rest and recover and bond with the baby. And see people who you feel comfortable to see.
But by only having your side of the family over it’s bound to hurt your in-laws. You are essentially saying you are not good enough. And a week is quite a long time.
if you are happy with your choices fair enough but it’s understandable your in-laws are hurt by your decision. There’s not a lot you can do about that .

too many MIL projecting on here, that's what it is

You can imagine what the poor DIL have to put up with.

Congratulations and well done op 😌
get off mumsnet and put whatever boundaries make you feel comfortable, after just bringing new life into the world into place (bugger everyone else for a minute) and enjoy your beautiful new baby x

I don't know about them just getting on with it back in the day. I remember my own mother was in hospital for two weeks after birth. That was normal in the 70s. When I gave birth I did just 'get on with it', though took it quietly at home for a bit.

I do think it's a bit unreasonable to have so much visiting time with your family and not even be able to spare half an hour to see the paternal side of the family. Knowing your parents and siblings are staying/having dinner and they can't even pop over briefly has to hurt. I mean, it's up to you, but you asked for opinions and I think not even having half an hour for them is unreasonable. Doesn't your DH want them to meet his baby?

Remind me - aren’t you the poster who said a woman deserved to be left whilst pregnant? A woman you knew nothing about, and didn’t even know the circumstances of the split?

Because it’s selfish to have her parents and siblings in her house for a meal but her husbands parents aren’t allowed to visit.

If the OP made her own parents and siblings wait a week as well, it would be fair enough. But to exclude her in-laws is unfair and quite cruel.

My kids are 13 and 14. No DiLs. Just understanding that dad’s family actually matters. And how you treat people actually matters.

So so cruel. It’s their granddaughter just as much as it’s your parents granddaughter. God I feel so terrible for them. Your parents get to see their granddaughter everyday for 2 weeks and parents in law don’t even get to meet them. I pity your in laws it’s going to be a resentful life for them. I bet your parents will get to see their granddaughter all the time and your inlaws will always be the second best grandparents. 🙁

I get it you feel uncomfortable. So what? Some people want to meet their granddaughter! I think that triumphs you.

Well, some posters are being mean & vicious to OP, a tired first-time mum. That’s inexcusable. Posters can make their point (in either direction) without insulting or attacking her.

Yes, this is a harmful thread.