AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Presenting his son like Mufasa to the tribe has absolutely no bearing on how good an actual parent he’s going to be.

Yes you are being absolutely unreasonable. Although they are also being unreasonable messanging you they should be messaging your husband. I cannot imagine making my husband’s parents wait to meet my child when my family have met them multiple times and even stayed for long periods of time. With my first child my parents in law were the first to see him and with the second they came the same day. I get there are a lot of hormones but you are being really unfair.

No one can be this self absorbed and tell her new mum that she doesn't count and she has no say on her recovery, privacy and her own baby

And have you asked him if he wants to see his mum hold his child? How does he feel?

I was split up from my ex, had an induction and over 48 hours on the ward, a horrid tear, blood loss, stitches… and I still thought about other people. Not because I’m a martyr, or pathetic. But because a baby is a joy, and seeing someone meet their grandchild is a joy. His parents meant just as much as my parents.

It was easier with my parents, I could be a mess and didn’t care. With his, I put my hair in a bun and changed my top but that was about it. And they actually deeply cared about me too; they wanted to see that I was ok and alive and well after the drawn out birth. They wanted the relief of seeing we were healthy as well as the joy of meeting the baby. And seeing our older son holding his little brother, they deserved to see all of that just like my mum and dad, because they loved us and were there for us and I knew they’d be there for my kids their whole lives.

That’s what family means. You’re treating them like they are less than nothing. Whilst having your whole family over, at the hospital and at home.

I absolutely agree. Delete it, dont give these toxic bitter posters any more breathing space. You take care of yourself.

I wish I’d done this OP. As it was I felt totally pressured to let my husbands family visit the day after we got home. I was heavily bleeding, struggling to establish feeding and mentally not very well after a four day induction which ending in an emergency due to the cord being wrapped tightly around my child’s neck. I wasn’t sleeping, not due to the baby, but because every time I shut my eyes I relived the whole thing all I’ve again. I wish I had just said no and allowed my mum and sisters to support us both. Instead, my MIL won and came over where she proceeded to make all sorts of awful comments and was aghast that I’d breastfeed in front of them all as it made her uncomfortable. You and your baby and establishing your bond is what matters right now. This obsession with everyone coming over to hold the baby as if it’s some object is so weird and bizarre. A week is totally fair.

As predicted, more are saying you are unreasonable. It is 100% understandable, normal and acceptable to want to see your blood family than your partners. It often follows that the in-laws sit and want the baby while you make them drinks while your fmsily look after you. Don't be bullied. You're doing nothing wrong.

What kind of woman can be happy to harass and distress a new mum like that?

I cannot imagine for 1 second wanting to reduce my DIL to tears, at the time she's the most fragile and just out of hospital.

What kind of selfish and nasty woman could do that to a new mother? Shame on them.

Kindly, unless they aren’t usually particularly nice to you or there’s another back story I think YABU. We invited both sets of Grandparents round at the very same time to meet our babies, of course I am more comfortable with my family and naturally spend more time with them but for me I wanted to get off an equal footing (even when I felt like shit) because they are equally my child’s grandparents. The interest dies down quickly tbh, delaying them whilst openly welcoming your own family builds you up to an unpleasant visit/something to dread.

I didn’t feel super comfortable around my in-laws when I had my baby, but they still came around. My husband took charge though and entertained them and talked to them and explained how shit I was feeling. I would never have made them wait a week as I think it’s cruel. But they absolutely should not have sent you those messages

You’re the mum, you gave birth, you make the rules.

Turn your phone off and let your DH sort everything out. Enjoy your precious new baby, congratulations!

As others said, you’ve been mean not allowing mil /dh family over

you had your Family over for a takeaway yet you cannot do a cuddle and a cuppa with your husbands parents

They don’t have to stay long I just want to have a cuddle with possibly their first grandchild but even if not the first it is your husbands, their sons first child

"you make the rules"

How long does this carry on?!

It should be a joint discussion.

I think YABU. Your PIL are family too and although you won't be as comfortable with them as you are with your own I cannot imagine not letting them see your baby for a week when your parents and siblings have been spending a lot of time with you. It does not bode well for a good relationship going forward. I understand you are tired and hormonal but surely you could let them pop in for an hour?

Wait - they're harassing you and calling you names by text?! And attempting to minimise your pain?!

I can see why you don't want a bar of them. It's not relevant that they're abusing you in response to being told no. Normal, decent people don't respond to a new mother by verbally abusing her because they're annoyed.

I was tempted to feel sympathy for them but on this basis alone they can fuck off to the moon and back.

Have people not read the part where the OP said her in-laws are messaging her calling her selfish!? No one who sends pissy messages to a brand new mum like that should be invited over for baby cuddles.

My siblings are twins. I don't know why that's an issue

Op you don't have to separate from your baby 2 days post partum if you don't want to, and it's fine to feel more comfortable with your own family and have them around more while you feel vulnerable.
I would just consider having your in laws round for a cup of tea, and letting them know you are truly in pain and so not up for a long visit. Just to keep the peace and let them meet baby.

My mum was there for me much more than mil when I was recovering from childbirth, and my child now has an equal relationship with both his grandmothers so some of these comments are OTT

I think their messages show your instincts were right, no wonder you don’t feel comfortable with those people around. I do I understand why their noses are out of joint though and for your own sake I would just get that first visit out of the way asap, with your DH ready to enforce boundaries if needed. It’s a good time as you are surrounded by your family who can look out for you too.

I find it quite jarring to read posters saying they aren’t there to see you and why don’t you just pop upstairs, like you’re just the grandchild-maker who’s finished their service. Of course you don’t want to be apart from your days-old baby, that’s totally normal.

It was completely u reasonable of them to send you those texts. They should have gone through your husband - he should deal with his family. But you should be flexible - they are super excited to see the baby and you should try and accommodate them for the afternoon as soon as you are physically able.

Exactly

YABVU @hello1999

See this sort of attitude baffles me. How is creating bad feeling within the family and spoiling a joyous moment in the new dad’s life something to encourage? Just in the basis that it’s ‘mum’ and therefore anything she say goes. No matter how unreasonable

This mum appears to have had a relatively ok birth, a supportive partner and lots of help.
Half an hour so he can introduce his child to his family doesn’t sound like a particularly big ask!

Your baby is also your husband's baby. You need to be a bit more generous.

Let his family come over. Stay upstairs if you don't want to see them. Stay downstairs and grit your teeth if you don't want to be away from the baby.

What you're doing is unfair and is going to damage your relationship with your in-laws going forward.

That’s pretty bad for excluding the other half of the family. This will cause so much hurt.