AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Honestly I've been crying since I made this post. The comments are a lot. But I'm trying to read in hopes I find comments that are genuinly trying to get me to understand the other perspective. And I'm trying to ignore the really nasty comments. One thing I should clarify about my siblings being there is that me and my siblings are 1 years apart. They are twins, I'm a year younger. We are best friends. And truly having them here is so helpful.

wow

do you feel better after such a nasty post to a new mum?

‘The condition she is in’- unless I missed something, the OP doesn’t seem in bad shape at all. Pretty sure I read that she was allowed home the next day and has had all her side of the family round for a takeaway.

Just sounds like someone trying to treat their husband’s side of the family as second class citizens and you as someone defending it.

This seems like a good way to permanently damage your relationship with your in-laws. Blocking them because they want to see their grandchild! They are your DH's parents, your baby's grandparents - they shouldn’t have sent the messages but no wonder they feel hurt at being deliberately excluded when your own parents and siblings seemingly have easy access to the new baby.

It is not being a martyr to let your in-laws see their new grandchild. Some of you are controlling AF.

"This is not Extended Family Bonding Time, "

Someone needs to tell the OP so.

And your husband wouldn’t find any peace or joy in sharing his baby with his mum and dad?

Ridiculous, self absorbed drama
MIL wants a little tiny glimpse of her new GC, a child who contains exactly the same mix of DNA as your family

my sister had a horrific, brutal labour 6 weeks ago, they were in hospital for 4 days
the thought that she would have prevented the parents of her wonderful, supportive FATHER OF HER CHILD husband seeing their first grandchild

well she would not be my amazing sister, it wouldn’t cross her mind

plus my BIL is the best, why should he deny his parents a share in the happiest moment of his life?

Your in-laws want to meet their grand-daughter. Thankfully the spotlight isn’t on you. That hopefully takes the pressure off you.

Tread carefully if your husband is saying he’s fine about it. People can seem to be amenable but unexpectedly store up a resentment.

Honestly, your in laws relationship with your baby wont be forever damaged because you asked them to wait a few weeks until you felt better. If it does end up damaging it, then they are incredibly toxic amd unforgiving. Like most of the posters on this thread. I also felt super comfortable with my family post partum, not my in laws in that particular period of time. They were understanding of this. They are normal well adjusted people though and we all have a great relationship now. You do you. I would say next time (if there's a next time) - set up a list of expectations and send them round to the relevant people well in advance of the birth. If/when my son has a baby, I fully plan to follow whatever DIL's wishes are. She is the priority. I wont crying into my cornflakes because Ive been asked to wait a couple of weeks while my DIL recovers physically and emotionally. And Ive no doubt that we'd have a better relationship for it. Sometimes you just want your own parents when you're feeling vulnerable and rubbish and that's absolutely fine. Yes it's a double standard, but totally reasonable. No need to rethink anything. Think of the majority demographic of mumsnet.

Hugely unreasonable. Imagine you have a son and his partner didn't want you there but only her parents? Not a nice feeling I'd imagine. By choosing to have a baby, you are choosing your child's blood relatives that might only be 'in-laws' to you, but a baby that will mean the world to your husbands family already. I have both a son and a daughter and I truly hope my son doesn't meet someone like some of the new mums on here!

No he's actually really kind and sweet. He asked ME if I needed time before they come over and visit

In the nicest way, it doesn't matter how close or not close to your family you are.

It's your husbands family you're being totally unfair to.

don't get upset by the deranged comments.

Your in-laws should be ashamed to upset you when you are just out of hospital. Not giving you any respect and kindness is enough to show you they are wrong and you have the right to take 5 mn, a couple of days, to recover

In some countries, you are not even out of hospital for 5 days to a week!
Not expected to host entitled and rude relatives the day after you had your baby, i'ts insane

I think you’re being very unreasonable and I can understand why your mother in law is clearly so hurt. Your new baby is every bit a part of your in-laws’ family as she is your parents. I think it’s made even worse that your family visited you in hospital to meet the baby and thst your parents will be staying with you for the next two weeks - and you won’t even let your mother in law meet the baby once?

Honestly, your in laws relationship with your baby wont be forever damaged because you asked them to wait a few weeks until you felt better.

The newborn won't care. Not even one bit, won't remember, won't notice.

It has absolutely no impact whatsoever how many hours old a baby was when he met his grand-parents,

In-laws showing that they care not at all for the mother, and she is a second class citizen in their eyes on the other hand...

I'm sure he would. But he understands that he's not the one who gave birth and needs support right now

He's still the dad. Giving birth isn't some ultimate trump card. He needs support and to share his joy too.

When I had mine I went for a kip when the in-laws visited.

I couldn't imagine blocking one side of the family. Babies can't be loved too much and deserve to have a decent relationship with both sets of grandparents.

Unless they’ve just always been nasty I’d have agreed a quick visit. Their messages are rude though.

Such a shame you’re denying a decent husband the chance to share his first child with his own parents. It wouldn’t need to be for long, you could make clear it would just be a 30 minute meet while you take a quick shower (which you’d need to do at some point anyway.

There are ways of meeting your own needs while also those of others also.

This. ^

You are still trying to justify it. Just swallow your pride, apologise for being a dick (blame hormones etc) and that you would love for them to come meet their DGC tomorrow.

@hello1999 If you have not left this thread, I think you should as it could be harmful for you to be reading some of the posts.

Let yourself have some peace and rest, and you’ll know for yourself what to do for the best in your own time.

Congratulations on your new baby.

Why not even ask to have the tread deleted?