AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Um. Teeny Baby isn't gonna know who all these visitors playing "pass the baby" are, let alone be forging meaningful relationships with them? This is not Extended Family Bonding Time, baby hardly knows they've been born yet, they just want Mummy and milk and to be warm and cosy. I reckon giving them all a few days to figure out which way is up will have precisely zero impact on future relationships and would be quite a kind thing to do.

Exactly. So many women moan - and go on about how their partner/husband doesn't do enough with the children, and doesn't look after them as much as her etc etc, yet any sniff of a man having the children without her present, and taking the child(ren) to see his family, and they're like 'but I don't want to spend half a day away from MY baby!'

You can't have it both ways

Tbf though it would be hard not to find it galling that siblings were being hosted for lazy takeaways on the couch and that being justified as helping with the baby but your husband parents aren't welcome to meet their new granddaughter even for 10 minutes.

It's fine that you're not comfortable with them, but i don't think you can dress up that aspect of their being welcomed in to your home as some practical pitching in. It's very clear to the in-laws that your family are welcome regardless of work rate or practical assistance and they are not.

I'm guessing your parents have been allowed to hold the baby or give nipped to the toilet, for a nap or a shower without bringing your daughter, although maybe you haven't, but if you have it would show that your inability to be separated from your daughter is based on whose family she is being left with.
it's clear to the in-laws that there's a hierarchy of "family" here and they're at the bottom.

The fact your husband is on board renders a lot of this pointless, but i would have struggled with my wife putting me in the position to accept siblings on the sofa for the evening eating pizza and get parents living in my home for two weeks but my parents being made to wait until the ban is lifted.

I'd find the initial meeting when it's allowed so tainted.

OP SAYS they are there to help. So let the in-laws help too. I really do understand being more comfortable in front of your own bio family, than the family you marry in to, but they are the baby's grandparents and aren't there to make life harder for the new mum. I think it is mean to bar them, especially if you have allowed the other grandparents. If you'd banned the other GPs too, I'd be feeling kinder about telling the banned ones there is a week or whatever to wait whilst new mum gets used to BFing etc. This just feels so hurtful. I do think OP knows this, hence the post.

I’m sorry OP, I know the first few days are confusing and it’s hard to think clearly. This post won’t be helping with all the bickering. Just think about the relationship you want with everyone as a family unit (as your parents and his parents are forever intertwined now) and the relationship you want with your future grandchildren and you’ll figure it out. It sounds like there’s a massive back story here with a bad relationship between you all and this is just the result.

Anecdotally - my husband and I are immigrants so we couldn’t really do this sort of thing. It was random luck that my mom was the first to meet our daughter at 3 weeks old and my mother in law was visiting when we had our son. So I have no idea what it’s like to have people banging down the door like this. It sounds like it could be either lovely or overwhelming. Maybe send your parents out for an afternoon and have your in-laws come hang out with their son while you get a nap / proper shower / whatever. Having 7 people there fussing over you and the wee one sounds like a lot of

Important things first - congratulations on your new baby girl!

Your in-laws are not unreasonable to feel a bit hurt at being excluded from the family baby bubble. They are unutterably vile to barrage you with abusive texts. I wouldn’t want such nasty people around me either at a time like this.

Just block them and let your DH handle them. All he needs to do is explain you feel a bit vulnerable and only want your own family there for now, he’s really sorry but if they can give you space for a week or so you’ll be ready for everyone to meet baby. He can block them too if they persist. I think you absolutely can be a little bit unreasonable about this OP.

When you’re ready, invite them round and act like nothing happened.

I'll be honest, I told my wife I was fine with her family meeting the baby first but honestly, I was wondering whether I was set up for this. At the time I was trying to be supportive but at the same time I quietly thought very little of her.

Of course she came round when she realized her parents were absolutely useless grandparents and my parents have been involved since. One tbe dust settled I threw it back in her face and we had a laugh.

What I'm trying to say is OP, don't do your marriage damage, take a step back, it's not just your child. You could find its irreparable.

After DD1 we welcomed everyone despite me being in so much pain, I just thought that was the 'done thing', but I found it so hard and hated it.

It was made very clear with DD2 that it would just be us for the first few days, with the exception of my mum who came to the hospital for a couple hours to support me whilst DH went home for a shower, change clothes, tell DD1 she had a sister etc. Of course she met DD2 but that wasn't the primary purpose of her visit. My Dad and siblings had to wait in same way as my in laws.

So I definitely get the wanting your privacy initially. But having your parents and siblings come to the hospital, and then your parents being at home with you also, and not letting in laws visit at all feels very unbalanced. Their messages were absolutely wrong of course, they should be talking to your DH.

Grandparents aren’t “extended family”

The fact that the OP’s parents and siblings have been round for a meal together and met the baby -there’s no wonder OP’s in laws feel hurt.

I’m not a bitter MIL either. I don’t have any sons, only daughters but I do think OP is being unreasonable.

I would not have done that to my mother in law. I don’t think that’s fair or kind

Don’t you think that pretty much every woman who has ever given birth has felt in some degree of pain and/ or discomfort post partum?

Just most of us don’t use it as an excuse to alienate the in-laws and treat them like second class relations. With DC1 I had a 72 hour labour including 12 hours on an induction drip that culminated in an emergency CS. You can imagine the exhaustion and discomfort after that. It still wouldn’t have occurred to me to shut out my MIL and FIL who I knew were desperate to meet their new GC, especially if I’d allowed my own parents and family to already meet the baby.

No wonder DILs get such a bad rep.

don't be so ridiculous, the baby is DAYS old.

Who the hell think they have a right to tell a woman she is not allowed to keep her own baby with her, who the hell think they have a right to pretend some entitled and idiotic MIL can treat her like a second class citizen and ignore her well being, just because they want to beat the other grand-mother to first "cuddle"

The lack of respect and common sense is embarrassing with these women.
They had their time, their son is grown-up, the new baby is not theirs.

My lovely dil invited us down the day after leavi g hospital, she met me at the door and put my first gc into my arms..I cannot tell you how touched I was.we stayed an hour and made the new parents lunch. Her mum saw the baby the night before, and obviously is closer to her daughter, but she made us feel we were equally important to the new parents and their baby. Her kindness and generosity was so lovely.

One of my favourite memories after giving birth, was seeing the pure joy and excitement from my parents when they met my son for the first time (in the hospital). There's no way I would have denied my husband experiencing the same thing with his own parents meeting their grandson as soon as possible. It does seem really unfair that your parents AND siblings get to share in that joy, but your husband's parents are being kept at arms length. Your husband wants to support you so is not making a fuss, but I'm sure he'd love for his parents to be treated more equally. Your MIL and SIL should not have sent those messages, but they were obviously quite hurt.

Of course she can choose. But it doesn’t mean that there won’t be enormous ramifications given that she’s welcoming her own family and banning the in-laws.

Comments such as they don’t want to see you just the baby aren’t nice either. Like ops just an incubator

Yes, that’s what it seems like.

Oh OP, please don’t let all these awful posts get to you. Congratulations on your new baby, how you are feeling now is SO normal and natural, the protectiveness is intense, I hated being away from my first when he was born and the only thing worse than watching other people hold him would have been to be in a different room while other people were holding him without me! It’s normal to feel more comfortable with your side and while yes it is unfair on the in-laws to have to wait they really shouldn’t be putting what they want above what you as the new mum need. There is so much time for them to bond and spend time with the baby in the future. I have promised myself when (if!) any future DIL has children I will not make it all about me and will not get offended by whatever she needs to feel comfortable in those early days of motherhood.

if it was me I would have had them around for a very quick cup of tea and back out the door in 30 mins or so but it’s your choice completely, sounds like you chose a great DH who is being supportive of you!

Apart from her pain clearly isn’t that bad as she managed to eat take away with siblings? If you can sit on the sofa with your siblings eating take away then I can’t see why your in laws can’t pop in for a cup of tea. She doesn’t even need to be in the room if she really feels she has such a bad relationship with them that she can’t.

I would completely understand if my son's wife wanted her family around her. Obviously she's much closer to her own mum than me. I know the other GP will hays different relationship. It's natural and I would accept that.

But gosh, I would be really hurt if I was completely blocked from seeing my new GC for a week whilst all her family were there. I wouldn't dream of imposing, I'd expect to nip in and out, help out if necessary or push off quickly if it was so desired. But blocking me completely for a week in those circumstances would really hurt.

I don't know what relationship you have with MIL .. and she shouldn't send you nasty texts, but please think about this, because you could really damage relationships going forward.

Don’t you think that pretty much every woman who has ever given birth has felt in some degree of pain and/ or discomfort post partum?

even less excuse for a MIL to be so inconsiderate and make ridiculous demands.

It still wouldn’t have occurred to me to shut out my MIL and FIL
it was YOUR choice, if you wanted to be a martyr or just having company, YOUR choice.

Show some respect for a new mother, don't dismiss the condition she is in.

No wonder MIL have such a bad rep and firm boundaries have to be put in place.

I totally get why you're feeling like that. I feel a thousand times closer and more comfortable with 'my side' of the family. However, I think in this type of case we have to be unselfish and make the effort with the in-laws.
It sounds like maybe you're (even subconsciously) putting some pressure on yourself to have things more sorted and your routine established before they visit. Don't worry - you don't need to be supermum by any means. They just want to meet the baby. I think we women often feel the pressure to put on a good show of things at home being sorted for the in-laws - more than men do for their in-laws.

So why can’t you sit on the sofa with a cup of tea and a slice of cake with your in-laws?

When I had DS1 I had a ventouse birth and a lot of stitches. My grandfather died, extremely suddenly a week later. When my newborn was 16 days old, and I was still trying to establish breastfeeding, couldn’t sit properly looked like utter shit I had to attend his funeral. No one cared, least of all me, because it had to done.

Of course he did. He knows you will kick off otherwise. He is probably terrified to challenge you.

if you can't understand that someone has a different relationship with siblings and their own parents, you need help.

What a strange competition. So it's not about the baby at all, but it's childish "if they have a go, I have a go"?

A 5 yo has more sense than this.

She doesn’t even need to be in the room if she really feels she has such a bad relationship with them that she can’t.
a new mum doesn't want to leave her own baby especially with these loons! How dare you expecting her to do that. She's the MOTHER, not some handmaiden incubator.

Some people are despicable in the way they treat new mums, it's embarrassing