AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

Im sorry but I think yabu. They are your dds grandparents. You can't favour one side without the other. It'll cause a divide in the long run.

I've never really understood the whole not wanting visitors either.

Their reaction is prompted by the OP being so unreasonable, if every Tom, Dick and Harry in her extended family have been welcomed with far more than a look and a cup of tea they have every right to be annoyed. It's hardly surprising that so many women have a poor relationship with their in-laws when they are treated as second class citizens.

I think it is so unkind and hurtful to treat your in-laws like second class family members.
Everything comes at cost- a half hour visit for them to meet the new baby may come at slight inconvenience /feeling not totally at ease for you, versus the cost of them being quite understandably upset at you not allowing them to meet baby for however long, when your family have already seen them and spent time with them. Personally I think it is really selfish and agree with your in-laws.
I would be surprised the relationship recovers, but that’s the cost for you to weigh up.
edited a typo

There will come a time when you would give your DC to next door's dog to babysit while you get a break (I'm joking, of course). Build a relationship with your in laws. One day you may need their help.
Accept the visitors but make it clear that the visits are short ir they don't just sit there drinking tea but help around the house or pick up some shopping.

I don't think it is. A man banning his wife's parents and allowing his for a week would be called abusive.

The OP doesn't need to be in the room. If she's there, no one will care what she looks like etc. It's controlling and unfair behaviour.

You’re being unnecessarily cruel and you’ve got your husband trained haven’t you 🥴🥴

I do think you’re being unreasonable. You are in your own home and have help. You don’t have to make a great effort, your husband can make them a cup of tea. Most of us have had babies and felt tearful and hormonal but it hasn’t prevented us from considering other people’s feelings as well as our own.
There is a huge contrast between how the two sets of grandparents are being treated.
I can understand that you feel more comfortable around your own family but I think you should at least let them meet the baby. Try to relax a bit more around them and let them take you as they find you.

Like most new mothers I had broken sleep but I slept in the same room as the baby, as per SIDS guidelines. I didn’t sleep on a different floor. We both needed to be close to each other. The “village” comes much later; overwhelming research suggests the most important thing for the baby is a strong and secure primary bond with its mother or in the absence of a mother, their primary caregiver. She’s asking the paternal grandparents for a week, not months.

Personally I think she’s made a mistake and ideally she would have scheduled a visit from them early in the first week but with an agreement with her husband that if she or the baby got overtired, or the grandparents overstayed, then he would support her in her “taking the baby up for a nap” or encourage his parents to end the visit. It is particularly unfortunate that her siblings have also been over “for dinner” - which sounds very convivial. However the OP’s family are helping their daughter recover from a birth and enabling her to focus on her baby and adapt to motherhood without worrying about other things whereas the paternal grandparents are only interested in the baby it seems. That won’t be true of all paternal grandparents where they have a strong and loving relationship with their daughter-in-law.

So did you only sleep when the baby was in another room? Did you have a maternity nurse? That’s not normal for all but a small proportion of the upper classes in the UK. It may be more common in other countries and it wasn’t 35 years ago when I had my first. We had to move her out by 5 months because our bedroom was tiny and couldn’t accommodate a normal sized cot but I think even then it was best practice to have the baby in with you for the first 6 months. It may be longer now, my youngest is 27.

So it’s a vanity issue. Your in-laws can’t meet their grandchild because you feel you look like 💩?

Presumably it's also the father's house and baby, yes, I know all the rhetoric about who gave birth etc, but he should have the right to proudly introduce his baby to his family, even if he does this briefly and alone. The OP is resonsible for the in-laws reaction, no-one else.

they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over.

if that doesn't sum up why they are not welcome!

No respect or sympathy for a woman who just gave birth, a newborn who needs his parents and at this stage couldn't care less about relatives, no boundaries.

They are awful.

At least you have a supportive husband, who treats a new mum like that,

There's absolutely nowt wrong with a postpartum woman. Ignore Instagram and get on with it.

They're treated like second class citizens by some women.

Baby will be with their father.

Actually that makes it sound even more unkind to your in-laws. You all sat there cosily together whilst they cant even come in for an hour. Really have a think about how they are feeling. And please don't start talking about hormones. They are just an excuse for what is real unkindness.
Maybe as you've had a daughter you will be lucky and never have to experience the misery of being kept away from a new much loved grandchild. And they probably want to see you too!

Every single woman will experience postpartum differently. Just because you didn’t have anything ‘wrong’ doesn’t mean others don’t struggle

It’s utterly vile how people are piling on this new mum. I’m disgusted with MN right now. People telling her she’s awful, she’s damaging the relationship between her brand new baby and the grandparents. It’s bullshit. My in laws, who I’m extremely close to, gave me about 10 days to sort myself out. MIL was a nurse for 40 years and said she wouldn’t dream of coming in the first few days as she knew I was bleeding, sorting out breastfeeding, working out our new family, utterly exhausted. As was her son. So they came after we’d had a few days at home. Of course they were excited and desperate to meet their GC, but mine, and the baby’s wellbeing was the priority.

He’s 17 now, they are extremely close, we all are. She’s been an absolute rock whilst bringing him (and his sister) up. There was absolutely no damage caused by her waiting a few days - I loved, and trusted her more for it.

There's a ridiculous amount of social pressure on OP not to mention the harsh replies here. Of course a new mother should be able to rest and bond with her baby and not entertain visitors or be separated from her baby. It's completely different having her own close family who are there to help.

@hello1999 When I had my first baby things were very emotional as my MiL had died suddenly from a brain haemorrhage just before - her funeral was on my due day, so you can imagine it was a difficult time and undoubtedly things would have been different if that had not happened. Anyway, the Sunday after she was born Fil, with SiL and her husband came to Sunday lunch along with my parents. I do remember peeling potatoes and preparing veg with FiL who I think wanted the occupational therapy. After lunch my Mum shooed me up to bed to rest and grabbed the baby to put in the pram she had bought us and triumphantly headed off out to walk around the village. I didn't rest, I lay there weeping longing for my baby. After they returned SiL's in laws had turned up to see the baby. I know she was being passed around everyone, I could hear her crying. DH came up to see if I wanted a cup of tea and I screamed at him BRING ME MY BABY. He shot downstairs and brought her straight up. She smelt of smoke as some of the in laws were smokers. I changed her clothes, fed her, and stayed upstairs in bed with her, and didn't say goodbye to anyone.

I look back on that day and think Why did we do that??? Well I suppose because of the circumstances but it's all mad.

You just concentrate on recovering, resting, getting into a routine with your baby. The wider family can wait. If they visit it won't be for just an hour. They'll hang around, play pass the baby even when the baby is crying for a feed. You'll be stressed and exhausted.

Get your husband to deal with the messages. Maybe make an arrangement for coming over for tea next weekend. Don't feel guilty. You need your rest and your time in your family bubble.

Visitors are there to hold the baby.

Your DH is the one who should be, er.. being a husband and parent.

I meant as in the woman can present how she likes and no one should judge.

I had stitches, a section wound, infection leakage, piles and milk leakage. I was a mess but no one judged.

I am not a bitter MiL.
I don't have any axe to grind.
I DO remember being 2 days post partum (I was still in hospital having had a difficult birth).

But I was still aware that my in-laws were exactly the same relationship to our new baby, and was very happy for them to visit me in hospital just like my parents. Had I been unable to see people for those short visits, then I certainly wouldn't have contemplated inviting my siblings, before inviting my dh's parents.

I don't want to add to any distress @hello1999 - but you chose to ask in 'AIBU' and I agree with the 82% who say you are.
I am glad you have said this is making you think about what you have done / are doing.

maybe if they didn't treat the MOTHER of a newborn child like second class citizens, they would have a better relationship?

What kind of entitled horror is making demands and doesn't care about a woman straight out of hospital?

Anyone else they would show manners and respect, but their son's wife?

Who wants to deal with such a rude and selfish idiot when they need to recover from birth. And yes, newborn belong with their mum and dad, they're not a toy to pass around so grandma can take photo to put on social media.

Yabu. Baby is as much their family as yours parents. I didn’t have a great relationship with my ex in-laws but I invited them to meet baby just as I did my own parents

I get it in the sense that of course I would be more comfortable seeing my own family than anyone else when immediately post-partum, but surely you must see how it looks to his family - they are just as much your DH's parents and siblings as your parents and siblings are yours, and it's just as much their grandchild and niece.