Was MIL the AH at my wedding?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I finally had my wedding a few days ago and there was a big MIL incident.

A few small things led to a pretty big incident.

1. Despite getting a dress that matched the bridal colour scheme, she changed her mind on the day and wore bright red which clashed with the rest of the bridal party

1. Kept my partner back in the morning when he visited despite him saying he really needed to leave to get to the venue, to the point he was almost late - just so she could get photos

1. Knocked back far too many drinks within the first 2 hours and was obliterated drunk

1. Didnt speak one word to any of my family members, kept turning her back to my mum etc

1. Brought confetti despite being told we didn't want any and the venue didnt allow it, then sulked and cried when we reminded her of both those points

1. Partner was rushing to pick something up for a photo opportunity that our photographer had with the sunset which was time sensitive as he had to go soon, but she was pestering him to "spend time with her", he simply said "I dont have time right now" which ended in her crying hysterically and partner at this point told her to just leave. She then rounded up his entire family, told them my partner had "screamed at her" and got them to all leave with her.. All before the first dance

The next day, she's ignored all our posts/photos but proceeded to comment "beautiful couple" etc under other family photos of other family couples. The only photos she has posted, none of us, only her, and a petty confetti cannon thing outside her house.

My partner has always had issues with her and said this was the last straw and doesn't want to speak to her again.

I soon removed them from all my socials etc so I wouldnt get wound up more.

All my partner has received from his mum is the fact we upset her, disrespected her etc..

Am I going insane or are we in the wrong here?

I could look past the dress choices and wanting to take photos of the groom before he left - not knowing her I could put that down to being over excited and perhaps she wasn't confident about her original dress choice.

But getting blind drunk at a wedding is not acceptable and it sounds as though she wasn't a 'nice' drunk.

At least your husband doesn't sound as though he will put up with nonsense.

The number of threads about bad behaviour at, or in the run up to, weddings makes me wonder why anyone bothers.

It all sounds like a load of unnecessary stress and expense to me.

I stressed about what my wedding would be like from about age ten on.

It turned out lovely but I still agree with you in many ways.

Haha my SMIL pulled a bunch of this at our wedding, tantruming and stropping and then leaving before the first dance and not saying goodbye in the morning. Everyone else had a great time so she just looked like a knob.

I might be wrong but I took it that it was DH who had to leave soon because the photo opportunity was time sensitive.

OP didn't have to look very far to find her MIL behaving like a total arsehole.

OP was hardly a bridezilla to expect her MIL not to make her fiance late for his own wedding, not to get blind drunk, not to bring confetti because she was told the venue did not allow it and not to be rude to OP's family.

Your reaction over the dress colour choice is a touch Brideziller, you don’t know if there was a reason for the change, like she didn’t fit in the original dress she was going to wear. Either way, what does it matter?

I wouldn’t have said anything about the confetti, I would let the staff tell her off, that way she couldn’t blame it on you.

maybe your husband wanted some pictures of him getting ready, but hadn’t realised how much time it would take. Non issue as he wasn’t late.

ignoring your family. Maybe a good thing if she was drunk.

The getting others to act as flying monkeys, to me says more about those people and what they were willing to believe than your MIL. Clearly she’s a narcissist and going no contact is wise.

I’m 😳😳😵‍💫😵‍💫 at the fact the whole family left with her tbh.
Its like no one dares going against her and whatever she says goes.

Im sorry @ellie09. You didn’t need that on your wedding.
I think I’m even more sorry for your dh. Not only did his mum made tge day about her but she made a day that was supposed to be about happiness agd future to be about dramatics. And he is now facing going NC with her agd the rest of the family 😢😢

Is tyere any family members who dint normally follow her lead agd your dh could stay in contact with? Surely they don’t all agree with her!

She essentially made the whole day about her. She was asked not to bring confetti - the B&G didn’t want it and the venue didn’t allow it, and if you read what OP has written she had a bloody confetti cannon !! She purposely held her son back trying to make him late - not a good sign, neither is trying to interfere with the wedding photos. And wearing bright red out of step with the wedding party is designed to make her stand out - deliberate attention seeking. What excuse is there for her getting drunk as a skunk and rounding the rest of her family up to go with her when she was asked to leave ? My four year old GC wouldn’t behave like that. There’s clearly a back story so hardly surprising her son doesn’t want to speak to her again.

How old are you? Please don't say in your 30s or 40s.

It doesnt really matter in the scheme of things. She is probably feeling spectacularly shit today, hungover and silly. Weddings are such tense events, I stopped going to them years ago. I am not defending her but she was clearly struggling, if she was simply evil she wouldnt have got drunk and emotional. I think extending a modicum of kindness if today is the day after and letting her off the hook, treating it as a last chance ever, maybe she will feel less whatever it is, fear, anxiety or whatever. I dont want anyone to feel like that (except Trump)

I've learned from MN threads that you don't wear

Red
Black
Dark blue
Light blue
Pastels
Dark colours
Green
Taupe
White
Anything with a scrap of a light colour on it
Anything with a scrap of a dark colour on it
Cream
Grey
Brown
Pink
Yellow
Orange
High cut
Low cut
Sleeveless
Short sleeves
Long sleeves
Elbow sleeves
A longer dress
A shorter dress
A midi dress
Trousers
Trouser suits
Suits
Jumpsuits
Skirts
Florals
Graphic prints
Animal prints
Plain clothes
Hat
No hat
Fascinator
No fascinator
Hair bands
No bands
Hair up
Hair down
Tattoos
Bright makeup
Subtle makeup
Heels
Flats
Sandals
Boots
A cardigan
A wrap
A coat
A blazer
Lace
Silk
Satin
Wool
Fake fur
Linen
Polyester
Cotton

as there is always somebody ready to say that means the MIL/SIL /famous person is utterly trashy and doing it deliberately to pretend they're the Bride or sleeping with the groom or just because somebody might see them and not be permanently dazzled by the glory that is the one getting married.

OP many people who are unfamiliar with how narcissists work (or who are a narc themself) will try to tell you that many of your MIL’s actions are irrelevant or not a problem. You yourself know how they work, the seemingly innocent things like making him late, wearing red to stand out etc, it’s like death by a thousand cuts which all add up.
As a narcissist she wants control and attention. It’s that simple.
Your husband is now starving her of both by cutting her off, so that’s excellent work. Now you both need to remain NC even when the hoovering attempts come (and there will be many).
Congratulations on your wedding by the way! Put that awful jealous woman out of your head and enjoy your honeymoon 🩷

Take this as her wedding gift.
Have absolutely nothing to do with her going forward.
Move if necessary.
Support your partner in his decision to not see her.

It all sounds very Jeremy Kyle Show material.
Drop the rope and step away.

Your poor parents knowing this is the family you have chosen to marry into.

Erm, you ok there?

Try to put MIL out of your minds.

She is clearly a terrible drunkard.
Only invite her to non alcoholic events in future.
Be kind but keep your distance.
Your poor DH!

@ellie09
Your MIL is one horrible mess of a person
You're married to her son
She don't like that, obviously
And gave her best shot at spoiling your day
All I'm going to say is
You have to have boundaries now as she has a shitty attitude and keep your distance whilst not giving her any excuse to start an ongoing battle. Easier said than done I know
But,
And this is the big one
Remind your husband he is married to you not her and you expect him to have your back no matter what at all times because
God knows what stunts she'll pull now.
Also say that you really don't think there's space for 3 in your marriage and if push came to shove
You'd completely cut her out
The womans a naff spiteful petty drama queen and if he's decent enough
I truly pity your FIL

And I really like the one for 'tricky' nightmare DILs.

So funny, even funnier that some don’t get it 🤣

Are you defending the MIL here that tried to make her son late for his own wedding, got trashed then encouraged her family to leave the wedding early?

I often defend MILs but she was very much out of order. In your situation I wouldn’t do anything now. If your husband doesn’t want to see her that’s up to him and between them, don’t get involved in it.
If anyone tries to talk to you about it tell them they’ll have to speak to your husband as it’s his mother.

I'm sure there are nightmare daughter in laws, father in laws, brothers, husbands etc.
I wonder if it had been the grooms father getting drunk it wouldn't have raised so many eyebrows?

You lost me at the first point about her dress not matching the bridal party. That’s just nonsense.

But the rest was unreasonable.

What's a doozy?

Fuck no. Not a bridezilanin rhe slightest.

@ellie09 support yoir DH in going AND he wants try us and it’s grace for him to see the light and do so. My Asha wanted NC and I encouraged him to keep contact against my better judgement and i severely regret it now