Was MIL the AH at my wedding?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I finally had my wedding a few days ago and there was a big MIL incident.

A few small things led to a pretty big incident.

1. Despite getting a dress that matched the bridal colour scheme, she changed her mind on the day and wore bright red which clashed with the rest of the bridal party

1. Kept my partner back in the morning when he visited despite him saying he really needed to leave to get to the venue, to the point he was almost late - just so she could get photos

1. Knocked back far too many drinks within the first 2 hours and was obliterated drunk

1. Didnt speak one word to any of my family members, kept turning her back to my mum etc

1. Brought confetti despite being told we didn't want any and the venue didnt allow it, then sulked and cried when we reminded her of both those points

1. Partner was rushing to pick something up for a photo opportunity that our photographer had with the sunset which was time sensitive as he had to go soon, but she was pestering him to "spend time with her", he simply said "I dont have time right now" which ended in her crying hysterically and partner at this point told her to just leave. She then rounded up his entire family, told them my partner had "screamed at her" and got them to all leave with her.. All before the first dance

The next day, she's ignored all our posts/photos but proceeded to comment "beautiful couple" etc under other family photos of other family couples. The only photos she has posted, none of us, only her, and a petty confetti cannon thing outside her house.

My partner has always had issues with her and said this was the last straw and doesn't want to speak to her again.

I soon removed them from all my socials etc so I wouldnt get wound up more.

All my partner has received from his mum is the fact we upset her, disrespected her etc..

Am I going insane or are we in the wrong here?

My MIL was a pain in the arse at our wedding so you my sympathy. She had a tantrum a few days before because we wouldn't change things to how she wanted. She made my husband get ready at her house when he wanted to stay at home. Then made him late because she didn't order the car she was supposed to so he had to book a taxi. He phoned me to tell me I had to be late because her nonsense had put them behind. He refused to give her the thank you flowers at the reception because she hadn't done anything to help. She behaved like a toddler.

She sounds like a nightmare, very much like my own hysteria/ queen bee inclined MIL (picked up all of the bottles from the tables and tipped the leftovers into as few bottles as possible then took back to her hotel at our wedding!) I’ve gone no contact over the years amid bigger dramas, DH is low contact. Suggest you do the same if it works for you. YANBU!

She just sounds like a bad drunk

I’m surprised by how many people are making excuses for her! You generally don’t wear red to a wedding and it sounds like she purposefully did it to make a point. Her behaviour was awful and clearly trying to be centre of attention. She told people your DH screamed at her to gain sympathy when she didn’t like being called out on her BS.

Enjoy married life and leave her to stew.

Weddings definitely bring out the madness in some people.

The dress , confetti and keeping the groom back were all before she had a drink 😳

Congratulations on the nuptuals OP! Genuinely wish you both every happiness 💐🍾. As for MIL……..what a shit show she turned out to be! Please try to put it behind you and focus on the future.

Aww I really feel for you.
Your DH is saying he wants nothing to do with her, don't encourage him to change his mind.

Mine said I didn't belong in family photos as I wasn't born a Seagull only married one, she wasn't impressed when I pointed out that I was exactly the same as her in that respect
😂(or that we were paying for the photos ourselves)

The first few are very minor (and the dress thing is a bit bridezilla to be honest). The drinking too much and last event are definitely things to be cross about.

The good thing op, is that you and your husband are on the same page about this.

She is definitely the AH.

Try not to ruminate, but remember all the lovely things about the day instead. Congratulations on your marriage!

Congratulations OP, sounds like she did her best but hopefully wasn't able to derail the whole day for you. I think that the only reason my MIL didn't spoil ours was that I'd only met her once before the wedding 😆

Hope you can look back on all of the meaningful moments going forward.

She tried her best to spoil your wedding but that did not work. She only made a tit of herself with your dh and guests. The best thing is she is now in the dog house. Long may she reside there.

Have a lovely rest of your married life with dh.

She sounds common as muck.
Most people know how to behave perfectly decently at a wedding.
I feel so sorry for you that your day was impacted so heavily by her.
You are right to leave her in your wake, even though she is family.

Her behaviour was off the scale horrendous. You are so, so far off being wrong in this situation that you'd need a passport and jabs to get to wrong.

Let this be the end of it all, as @Skippythemeh says. Rejoice in your freedom - as this will only ramp up as she ages and life develops and she continues to not get her own way. x100 if you have children, x1000+ if she needs care in her old age. Support your new DH (congratulations!) in his freedom and live your best lives away from this circus of toxic monkeys all dancing upon the court of eggshells around one abusive silverback. Encourage your DH to look at the Out of the Fog website (FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, a narcissist's key allies)

I would strongly recommend blocking her on all SM channels, so her passive aggressive posts cannot goad or upset you (which is what they are designed to do) - some will get through c/o relatives/flying monkeys - but ignore them. They will only hurt you and your hurt will be her reward.

Very best wishes to you. x

Nothing major happened, the worst was too much to drink but sometimes even that can catch people unawares.

You seem very focussed on her, this focus is ruining your own memories of your own wedding.

Your DH’s family may alsobe upset too about the way your wedding turned out. It doesn’t sound a particularly happy day, sadly.

Going NC is an answer but comes with long lasting damage for all involved, including those that have chosen this, other family members and future children.

The way she behaved was incredibly unfair to your DH and to you. Particularly on your wedding day.

She’s an absolute mess and her behavior was terrible. Basically, she’s a child emotionally and was grasping for attention and control. That’s fucking sad but doesn’t make it OK. You don’t have forgive her and nor do you have to sweep it away.

My advice won’t be popular, but it comes from 50+ years of deep and varied experience with family dysfunction.

There is no need to make any big decisions or pronouncements. It’s not necessary to totally break ties or do anything dramatic. You can both ignore her for now and then go super low contact. I would not talk to anyone in the wider family about her behavior at the wedding. Just figure out your boundaries together and stick to them. Longer term, when he feels like it, he can treat her like an acquaintance, be polite but don’t get into any conversation about this or anything important.

I say this because it is incredibly painful for a person to have no contact with a parent and especially their mother. Sometimes it’s absolutely necessary and sometimes you need a break, but long-term, if you can manage low contact and limit their ability to cause trouble you can save a great deal of pain for your husband.

The pain of estrangement extends beyond mother/son. It hits when you meet someone and they ask about your family. It hits on every holiday when the rest of world is with family. It extends to awkwardness or estrangement from others in the family. It’s endless. And it’s very hard as a wife to helplessly watch your spouse suffering because of it.

She brought confetti and wore a dress that did not coordinate with the bridal party colours. The crying at the end sounds annoying but she hadn't actually done anything up until that point and was being made out to be a villain so was probably upset by that and you're giving the impression you are intending on cutting her off which she is probably aware of.

And he is a grown man, sounds like you married a child!

made my husband get ready at her house when he wanted to stay at home.

made him late because she didn't order the car she was supposed to so he had to book a taxi.

Sounds like a big win that your partner no longer wants her in his life. Saves alot of hassle when you have grandkids etc 😀 every cloud and all that!

That’s a bit of a gaslight.

She created drama and anxiety for her son on his wedding day by demanding he cater to her. Then threw a fit and got the family to abandon the celebration when he didn’t focus on her instead of his happy day.

This would be absolute shit even if it were just his birthday and not one of the most important days of his life.

It appears you have married a good person who isn’t going to let a toxic mother run their life. MIL sounds like an absolute narcissist, so it’s great news that you won’t be seeing her again. Be happy!

She's outta my life, h can please himself if he sees her. I don't tolerate or shit from idiots no matter who they are, they are gone. Life is good as a result

I voted YABU because although I think she behaved badly, you come across as a bridezilla looking to find fault.

She sounds v narcissistic and crazy