AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

Eh? What’s sick leave got to do with anything? He’s not sick, so that’s irrelevant.

Thanks for everyone’s input. A bit of background I was always hesitant to have kids because of needing any help etc because let’s be honest if we all could have help, we would. I was reassured by my mum that she would come multiple times a week and help etc and convinced me it’s ok to have kids. She said she would even leave her job to help. So I guess the expectation was already there.

Also my husband is in a company where taking time like that is hard to do (right or wrong) but some people know companies that are quite inflexible. His manager doesn’t believe in men helping etc. So that side can be quite difficult to navigate.

And yes I’m very grateful for the Tuesday help. She does help me there, so maybe that came out wrong. I think it’s more because I don’t take the mick asking for any help. I will never ask for help for anything else. Also in my culture grandparents are usually very very present. So it’s easy to compare to others.

Also paying for childcare for grandparents is not a thing in our culture and quite insulting to do. My mum would call me stupid if I offered to pay her.

And it’s only because I’m at a point where I’m so ill. Usually I cope and push through my illnesses. Which I’m sure other mothers do often, but again that isn’t easy either.

Isn't maternity for coping alone? I didn't get even an hour of support during mine, its what I was off work for... to care for my child?

Exactly.
But still stand by my point that Dad should have taken a day off

You and your husbands children both your responsibility. She hasn't said she won't she just won't do the hours you want as she's busy.

Sorry OP but I think you're being a misogynistic brat.

You are on maternity leave, you are being paid to look after your children, why on earth is you mother doing a full day of child care every week? What are you doing in the time? Why can't any men be asked to help, including your partner?

You only had children because your mum said she would help you look after them... 😮

because if your kids are old enough to decide to have children, they are old enough to manage by themselves, no rely on mummy because they want me-time.

I am all for helping families, but who has children and expect someone else to look after them?

You and your DH are supposed to be a team. Your Mum is an extra on Tuesdays. You are very lucky to have someone once a week. Most Mum's don't have that luxury (and it is a luxury). Also, if she didn't go the the gym she might not have the energy or ability to run around after your two youngsters once a week. Count yourselves very lucky.

Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it.

Can't believe I'm reading this! What can I say!?

Your mum does not exist to service your needs!

Someone above suggested the husband should take a days sick to stay at home and look after the children

Yabu. I agree with pp that it should be your DH stepping in if you are too ill for childcare, not your mum. She needs to look after herself too and a full day of childcare is a lot more gruelling when you are older and looking after grandchildren than it is when you have the strength and energy of youth. She doesn't owe you anything and is being incredibly kind and generous doing a full day on Tuesdays. I got half a day once a fortnight from my mum and was grateful for it.

My mum would’ve automatically dropped everything to help, so it’s hard to be objective.

Yes thats pretty much normal. If one parent is ill, the other one has to take time off unpaid to cover. Or they arrange paid childcare and pop off to work. Pretty much the normal expectation.

You already get childcare once a week with your mum helping out. Isn’t that enough?

If you’re too unwell to cope, then your DH has to stay at home.

I had projectile vomiting once when looking after my kids and DH didn’t get back from work until about 9 in the evening, as usual. You just get on with it. Do you have a playpen you can sit them in and have a brief lie down on the sofa?

In an absolute emergency I’d help out my adult DC, but I suspect your mum knows that you’re not ill enough to require hospitalisation, and so your DH should step up.

Your husband is legally entitled tovtime off to care for a family member. Not paid but he is entitled to the time off.

Your husband is just going to have to take the day off, even if his boss doesn't like it, or doesn't believe men should have to do caring. Things won't change unless men make them change.

Women have had to suck it up for too long, our bosses don't like it either, but we have had to do it anyway.

Pay someone who isn’t your mother to help then. That’s what everyone else does.

You sound incredibly entitled and appear to think your children are other people’s problem. They’re not.

This!

You and your husband chose to have two children. They are your responsibility now.

Don't forget that if you're in the UK and your husband is a regular full-time employee at his job he is entitled to paternity leave - use it or lose it! His boss can't stop this even if he is a time traveller from the nineteenth century; it's the law. Obviously that wouldn't help with a one-off emergency situation but could help a lot with your general feeling of being overwhelmed.

Also now that your husband is a father, his responsibilities have changed and he should look into either changing companies, changing jobs and therefore bosses internally, or having a discussion with his company's HR people if his boss is preventing him from taking time off based on the boss's own prejudices, especially as it sounds like there's some potentially illegal discrimination at play.

Agreed. I’d ask my husband for help and he’d try to book a day or half day off to help me. Your mum did offer to come over but after her gym session (which she’d probably already paid for). I’m sorry you’re not feeling well, I hope you feel better soon 💐

When you and DH decided to have children surely you discussed how sometimes he would need to take time off from work - and if he works for a company that don't allow paternal leave why hasn't he sought a better employer??

If you had to be hospitalised for a period of time what would happen then?

What if your Mum was herself dead or unable to help?

Sorry but this is on you and their father to cover.

He needs to change jobs.

Husband takes a few days off, he should be entitled to parental leave, which is unpaid. Alternatively what about your dad or FIL?

I think youre letting your DH off lightly here, doesn't matter what culture you are, or what his boss believes, he has 2 young children and no one fit to look after them so as a parent he has to look after them. No clue why you're directing this at your mum, but try to talk to you dh as the other parent of your children he has a responsibility. Not your mum.
We never had family help- youre very lucky to get a whole day of free childcare!

A bit of background I was always hesitant to have kids because of needing any help etc because let’s be honest if we all could have help, we would. I was reassured by my mum that she would come multiple times a week and help etc and convinced me it’s ok to have kids. She said she would even leave her job to help. So I guess the expectation was already there.

Why don't you employ a nanny? Your youngest is 11 months old so not a little baby now, and plenty of people go back to work when maternity pay drops off. It doesn't sound like you were keen on children which is fine, but now blaming your mum for choosing to have them is wrong and you and your husband are grown adults and should have discussed this better without expecting your mum to take on full time care.