AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

This is what your husband is for

This.

I got no help at all - and often found people who did seem to get very entitled.

I had a lot if illness with young kids - DH either took a day off work and if he didn't I had to cope - and I had three. It's not great - put TV on have easy food in - but it's what most parents have to do unless they are very lucky.

Are you not at work on a Tuesday? If not why is your Mum coming to help all day? You are lucky to get that help. You chose to have 2 children & it’s normal for one parent to be in work if the other is looking after them. Toddlers and babies are hard work. I had no offer of help unless I was in work. I was lucky PIL did have them one day a week for me. They also didn’t offer any other slots so I could get things done, or have any downtime. But I wasn’t upset about that.

Get your husband to step up.

If you struggled with maternity leave why on earth did you have a second child ?

Why are you angry at your mum and not your husband who left you alone while ill with 2 young children?

Your DH needs to be asked first. It’s his responsibility as a parent to help out before your Mother gets asked.
Motherland always made me angry when Julia got angry at her Mum for not helping her more. I could see it from her Mums side. She was being asked to help whilst the Husband was a lazy, slack parent who never gave a thought for his family. Yes I know it’s not real life, but I do read these things on here sometimes.

That is very hard.
Perhaps your mum thinks your husband should be stepping up more.

Children are hard work and lots of grandparents genuinely do not want to be sucked into it.

Having said that if my daughter was sick I would want to help if i could.

I hope you feel better soon.
Try not to wind yourself up.

So skip a Tuesday a few weeks down the line of she’s that mean. My 16 year old Dd has been seriously ill for a year, almost died last summer. I spent months in hospital with her and spend 24/7 looking after her even though she’s much better now. I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I would never need to be asked, if she is ill when older, (if she’s able to have DC), I would happily take them when she’s unwell, that’s what Mums do.

You can feel upset if you want to, that's your choice. But I hope the upset is towards your husband a lot more if he didn't take a day off and help you when you are poorly - that's his role, not your mums now you're all grown up and married.

Hope you feel much better soon.

It’s hard without more context. You have help once a week from your mum which is amazing and more than many people have.
However given you are ill it seems strange she wouldn’t be more flexible. Mine would, but I have never expected any help from her or imposed on her for regular childcare.

Oh OP, I'm sorry you're feeling so unwell. Whikst I agree that if my adult child askwd for help in this way I'd do anything I could to help them out, I agree with the general concensus that your husband should be taking the day off and your anger is a bit misguided.

I find it weird, as a mother, that she didn't volunteer to cancel.

Why do you find it weird that she didn't cancel but not that their own father didn't step up and look after his wife and children ...

She's already at your house 1 entire day a week?

Yes, you are completely unreasonably and ridiculously demanding. Yes, it's hard, but they are your children. Why do you expect other people to look after your own children?

You should be grateful for the help she gives you ,in stead of being so rude

Does your mum provide childcare on that Tuesday whilst you go out of the home or is it more a visit type set up but set in stone time wise?

Because if it’s more a visit I’d be inclined to say she’s being unhelpful than if she already provides solo free childcare for 9 hours a week.

yes, your DH could stay home. But I also know there’s some jobs whereby that isn’t easy and for illness and just needing some extra help looking outside of a spouse is ok.

Your mum is allowed to prioritise her own health and wellbeing, her parental duties are completed. You have a husband he should take the day off!

Was there a good reason as to why your husband couldn't get home? I've rang my mum when I've become ill whilst my DH was working away. I would have been hurt if she hadn't helped me in that scenario because it would have taken him hours to get home... but I'd never expect her to change her plans if there were no exceptional circumstances.

So she provides you with 8 hours a week/ 1 full day? That’s a huge amount considering you’re on mat leave.

Why isn’t your DH helping if you’re too unwell to be alone?

"I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week."

Doesn't that apply to most of the population? Your mother does one long day a week with a toddler and a baby, that's hard work for anyone let alone someone older. And I don't suppose she wants to catch your germs.

If I was your Mum I would have dropped everything to help you.

So you reward the only person who helps you by asking for more? Where is the children’s other parent in all this?

You're acting like a single parent yet you have a husband. You need to get on with it and/or he needs to take a day off.
No sympathy here.

I think you should be angry and frustrated at your husband not your mum.

I'm sorry you're feeling unwell.

So you're angry with your mum, but not even thinking that your husband - and I assume father of the children - should step up?