AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

Your mum helps you immensely but has set boundaries within that help. The gym is important to her and I see absolutely nothing wrong with her laying out the help she is willing to give and sticking to that.

You should be grateful she is there a full day every week!

@Mkxxx that sucks OP. Pure selfishness from your mum.

Your husband should have taken a day off work. He's their dad. You don't give a huge amount of context but If he didn't volunteer that says rather a lot about him and it's him you should be cross with. Your mum already does a lot of hours at your house. That's very kind of her but ultimately you and your husband have to have childcare emergency plans.

maybe She feels unappreciated for the 9 hours she’s helping each week. Maybe she’s fed up with being expected to help when the children’s dad won’t take time off work when he’s needed. Maybe she’s worried about catching whatever illness you’re suffering with?

all guesses, because there’s little context in your post.

that said, I’m sorry you’re poorly and hope you feel better quickly. It must be tough being ill with two little ones.

It isn’t your mum’s responsibility. Where is the father, and why can’t he support you whilst you’re unwell? Also, you made the decision to have children and also so close together, so surely you’d know it would be hard? Unless you’d agreed your mum would help out with things like this before you had your children, I don’t think she’s at fault.

Where are all the men in your life? Your husband? Your father? Your father in law? Why aren’t they stepping up?

why have you reserved your anger for the women?

100% this.
How come you're not angry at your childs father?

Voted YABU. 1st point of call should be your DH taking a day off either using holiday or unpaid. He has that right by law for just this kind of situation.

Its not on your DM to cover especially seeing as she does help out through the week normally

Why? She's got a presumably competent husband who could also help her.

Also who is helping her poor mum next week when she needs support because caught the bug and is now very ill herself?

Bloody hell op. You get a full days help a week from her already. Entitled, much?! Numerous people have numerous kids and no family help. This is up to you and the kids dad.

If i were retired, i would move heaven and earth to help my kids and grandkids

i think she is selfish

yes, husband could take a day off but who wouldn’t help their daughter who is clearly unwell?

Why do you think it’s her problem to sort out your issues?

I never had a single day’s help from parents or PIL but DH and I managed to resolve everything.

Pay for help if you need it. That’s what we did.

I don’t really understand why you are ‘managing your maternity’ on your own. What are you managing? Being at home with two children?
If you were trying to work and have the children and their Dad’s hours were inflexible, I’d understand it better. But it sounds like you have two young DC, a husband around at the weekends and a mum one day a week as well. That’s really good. Loads of support.

YABU, though I’m sorry you’re feeling ill. Your mum looks after your kids for you for 20% of the working week and (as people on MN are fond of saying) she’s allowed to have boundaries around her free time. Be pissed off at your DH for not taking the day off.

What's really sad in life is how many older people are desperate to spend time with grandchildren and want to look after them daily-and how others who have family who really want them to be involved never do.
Obviously this isn't either of the extremes, as you say your mum already does a lot, OP. But you say your MIL does nothing-have you actually encouraged her (and FIL-you don't mention either grandfather, and I appreciate they could both not be around/have health issues/work FT)? Have you always tried to have her involved in your life? Again, maybe you have and she can't/won't, but is it worth trying again?
For everyone saying the husband should take a day off, that isn't always possible-if she's not working, they might be completely reliant on his job and they might fear him demanding time off when not scheduled could result in him losing hours/promotion or even his job. That's not fair, but it is how it is for some.

It's awful when you're unwell but your mum is still coming to help, in the afternoon which is still a great help. And if you were THAT unwell, surely your husband should take the day off.

I'm not sure though about your comment about managing maternity leave on your own while your husband is in the office 5 days a week. Isn't that what maternity like for 99% of people unless you can employ a nanny. Even those that had family support (myself included), didn't have our mums round for a whole day. It was a few hours here and there!

"Sorry mother, I’ve been a little busy looking after your grandchildren!"

It is shit when you’re ill and responsible for little kids though, but that’s parenting unless you’re very lucky.

All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week.

As is completely normal. You sound very entitled. They are you and your DH’s children. Ask him to change his day, not your DM

Sorry op I agree with the others that it’s your DH’s responsibility to take time off to care for your kids.

When you go back to work you need to make sure he is taking his fair share of parental leave as well.

And you have more help than many women already.

Hope you feel better soon. Having little kids while you’re ill is utter shit.

Your husband needs to stay with you

All these people jumping on saying could the husband not take the day off. Not all companies pay sick leave a lot of families and simply cannot afford to lose a day pay. I certainly wouldnt expect my husband to lose £150 to take a day off sick, we could t afford it

This isnt a competition to see who is the best grandparent.

Its about priorities and expectations. The first priority is for the DH to step up. The OP doesnt mention that at all other than to say he works 5 days per week. Of course if he was also ill or he was in the middle of a situation at work that was life or death. Or whatever reason he couldnt do it that would be reasonable.

But he isnt so he should step up and it shouldnt fall down to overperforming grannies to step in and cover.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling ill but your children are the responsibility of yourself and their father, not your mother (or MIL). You already receive a generous amount of help with one whole day. You have asked for a one off extra and, although I can understand you thinking your mum is being unreasonable, she is fully entitled to enjoy the 'her time' which she has likely pre-paid for and shouldn't be made to feel guilty. She is willing to come for the afternoon. Why not just accept that gracefully, rather than guilting her into feeling that isn't enough? Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, as the saying goes.

If you are genuinely not well enough to look after your own children, their father is the one who needs to step up. Not your mother.

You have a husband problem and extremely lucky you get as much help as you do from your mum.

If the husband is at work, he can't be expected to take a day off everytime his wife is a bit poorly

She's not in hospital or anything serious is she?