AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

[Mkxxx]

For context: I (34F) have two boys (3 and 11m). I have help from my mum once a week on a Tuesday. 8am-5pm she’s at my house. All the other days I get no help and no help from my MIL either. I have managed my maternity pretty much on my own with my husband in the office 5 days a week. It has been hard with a baby and a toddler. My son only recently turned 3. Anyway I never bug my mum to come outside of a Tuesday because honestly it’s just hard work and not worth it. However right now I’m very ill. She knows I’ve been unwell too. I don’t ask anyone to help me unless I’m desperate. So I asked my mum last night to come today. She said she can’t come until the afternoon when most the day has gone because she has the gym. I asked if she could miss it this once since I never ask like this and she said no. Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. If my child had asked me for help I would go! Also she doesn’t work and retired to ‘look after her grandchildren’. So am I wrong for feeling annoyed and upset?

She has help every week and all her mum said is she would come later. No one is denying raising children is challenging at times but why is the expectation here that their grandma should help but their own father is excused from parenting.

I’m sorry you are feeling ill, but I don’t think managing along during office hours for 4 days pw is too big an ask, especially as you would be entitled to a free nursery place for your three year old, so would just need to look after the baby for a lot of the time when you don’t have your husband to share parenting or your mum to help. You should be pleased your mum is looking after herself, if she is fit you are less likely to be called on to care for her. Someone I know had childcare help from the grandma, only in her early 60s, she was doing too much and had a heart attack.

You chose to have children - she is already helping out!

Why are you only mentioning your MIL and mother OP - do you and your partner not have dads?

I think it's a bit mean when you are ill especially as you can usually use a gym membership any day but it might also be that she's booked a particular session that she wants to do. She did say she was going to come afterwards.

But generally speaking, your kids, your responsibility. It always amazes me how so many people think that their parents should look after their kids for them.

Naughty grandma looking after your children every week, naughty husband having to work 5 days a week, it sounds like your mum knows her boundaries good for her and she said she would come in the afternoon, maybe she doesnt want your bug, how do you think single parents manage when they are ill?

Maybe your Mum thinks that she will become the default alternative instead of your DH so is standing firm. What about your Dad? Could he help out?

For her own sake, your mum needs to be less available. She already helps you a full day a week, and you are so ungrateful.

Isn't it about time your husband stepped up?

Fair enough. The cost of living is ridiculous and only getting worse, let's hope Burnham actually does something about it.

Are the only people in this mythical village, female?

Yet another one where I wonder why the OP doesn't even mention how her father or FIL fit into the childcare arrangements...

Well I suppose the dad is working whereas grandma is going to the gym and that isn't important (well it might be to her and the OP might be grateful that her mum put the effort in to stay fit when stays healthier into older age).

But where are the two grandfathers in all this?

You should have factored in caring for kids when planning for children with your DP not your mum.

Kids are your joint responsibility. If you are too unwell to cope today then DP should have taken the day off. They are his children.

Your mum has offered to do half a day, thank her and rest.

Also looked for nursery for your 3 year old a.s.a.p. what are your plans when you go back to work?

The entitlement in this post is shocking. 2 dc under 4 must be hard but you chose to have dc and have help from your mum one full day every week, yet you’re still angry at her. She’s allowed a life! I can’t imagine expecting this -asking is fine but the anger you feel about her not making her life all about you is mad.

You're not so ill you can't come on here to post. Also, it might be that your mum would have been received a penalty for late cancellation, often 24 hours.

Yes it would have been nice for her to come but maybe she didn't think you were that ill it was impossible for you to look after them.

If your husband doesn't change his job or push for more flexibility in his current role, you'll have difficulty covering children's illness when you're back at work.

Your anger is misplaced and you come across as entitled...

You and your partner are responsible for your kids, not your mother!

Your partner should have taken time off if you were unwell.

Your mother and MIL have their own lives and they have no obligation to drop everything to support you.

Especially considering that your mother is already helping you one day a week

Your husband should be the one ‘helping’.

As for saying you went ahead with children because she promised to help? You really want people to believe that? Why go for number 2 then?

I never once asked my husband to take a day off if I was sick, he wouldn’t have been able to at the drop of a hat . I had no family help for 100’s of miles either. Just had to get on with it
However, now I live near my daughter and gorgeous granddaughter I go over as much as I can , and indeed did last week when both were unwell as I know how hard it is

Is this a wind up or a reverse?

Your children have a father, he can help out if you need it. You’re on maternity so presumably your focus is looking after the kids - why do you need more than a full day a week of help from your mum?

What is your illness that means you can’t look after your kids?

Honestly, you need to look outside of yourself. It might be hard having two small kids but that was a choice you made and I think you need to figure out how to cope without your mum. Lean on your husband, that’s his role.

God another thread where a woman (who probably spent half her own life raising her children) is slagged off for not helping with someone else’s kids but god forbid the children’s own father have a 2 minute conversation with his manager / take annual leave to look after his own kids.

If you are still on maternity leave and your mother comes over once a week from 8.00 until 5.0 that is a massive amount of help. What is she doing for all that time? General housework - getting the children's meals -stripping beds ...releasing you to rest or go out? That is amazing whatever she's doing.
Also you seem to be blaming her for the fact you have two kids? If you weren't keen and found it hard and she wasn't giving the high level of support you expected, why go on to have another one? Presumably you knew the level of support you could expect from her after the first one?
It's hard when you're ill but there can't be many families around who haven't had to face something similar from time to time when the kids were little and it's no easier when you are at work and they get ill and can't go to school/nursery. Would you expect your mother to step up at a minutes notice for that too ...and risk getting ill herself?
You need to get your husband on board pronto and make him understand that, whether his boss likes it or not, whether he wants to do it or not, he and you together are the tag team sorting these issues out ..not your mother.

I sympathise if you had been worried about the work and she's told you she would help more. Nevertheless:

Also my husband is in a company where taking time like that is hard to do (right or wrong) but some people know companies that are quite inflexible. His manager doesn’t believe in men helping etc. So that side can be quite difficult to navigate.

Neither this nor her initial offer to come round and help more than she has is a fair reason to expect your mother to drop what she wants to do to look after his kids. Especially when there is sickness in the house that your mum will not want to pick up.

It's a shame your mother hasn't lived up to her offer, but that's not something you should rely on in this sort of situation anyway. Nor, really is it appropriate to make a decision like having kids on the basis of a promise like that. And turning your and your DH's decision to perpetuate sexist approaches to childcare instead of your DH standing up for what he needs to make family life work into an expectation on your mum is unreasonable.

I had 3 kids under 4 and never expected help. No one to help as everyone worked including only 2 grandparents alive. My husband worked 7am home 5/45. Baffling how entitled you sound. No wonder she didn’t help as you sound expectant of it

Are you working on a Tuesday OP?

if not what do you do - do you both take the kids out?

you’re lucky to have that help. I had nothing in mat leave, but also didn’t expect it.

I think if you’re poorly then your husband needs to help. He needs to stand up for his rights as a dad and step up!!

your mum said she could come after the gym - I think that’s fair enough to have a couple hours of help?! Were you expecting an entire day?