I am refusing to take away my children's holiday money because my sistsrs kids are jealous. AIBU?

[dramaticlifestyle]

We are on a family holiday right now. Me, my husband, my daughter (8 years old), my son (4 years old). My parents. My sister, her husband, and their 5 children.

My mum, bless her, really wanted to give everybody a bit of money to spend on holiday. She was able to spare £200 pounds which is absolutely lovely of her. My mum decided to split the money in half, she gave me £100 and my sister £100. I told my mum that I don't need the money because me and my husband already have enough holiday spending money. But ahe insisted, so I decided to give the money to my kids. £50 for my daughter, £50 for my son. That's their money to spend how they want.

My sister did the same thing as me and she gave all the money to her children, but because she has 5 children they get £20 each. We've been here for a few days and the kids have started asking each other about money, my daughter was asked how much money she has, she said she has £45 (She already spent £5). That has caused my sisters kids to start complaining to their mum and dad about the fact they only got £20 whilst my son and my daughter got £50.

My sister has since spoken to me and asked if I can take some of my children's money away because my sister can't afford to give each of her kids £30 because my sister and her husband already have a set budget for this holiday. I said that I'm sorry her kids feel jealous, however I am not going to take away my kids money because that isn't fair to my kids. I split the money fairly, my children shouldn't have to have their money taken away just because their cousins are jealous. I said I will make sure my kids aren't intentionally trying to make their cousins upset, but I will not take away some of their money. My mum also does not have more money to spare because she also has a holiday budget.

Right now we are sitting by the pool and my sister has decided to sit far away from the rest of us. Clearly trying to indicate she is upset.

AIBU?

who said they haven't?

The OP has split between her kids, if her sister is giving more to one of her children than the other, it doesn't mean she's entitled to more?

It was silly and unfair of mum to split the money this way. Is she always like this? Like does she give the 5 grandkids less at Christmas and birthdays as it's split between 5 of them? It's actually quite spiteful and passive-aggressive. Yes it was the job of the 5 kid's parents to judge how many kids to have and they will already have do divide their own money accordingly. It's not up to a supposedly loving grandparent to make that assertion. Be honest OP does your mum favour your 2? Does she babysit for them a lot but refuse to help sister using the 5 kids as an excuse? Does she see more of you and your kids? Is it really just about this one off money or does mum find other passive aggressive ways to show your dsis that she disapproves of her choice to have 5 children?

Yes and this is the problem. Did you not think “oh if my kids have £50 but her kids have £20 (or even nothing at all) they will argue and everyone will have a bit of a shit time.” Surely everyone knows that with kids you have to try your hardest to treat them equally?

TBH it sounds like you’re secretly enjoying your kids being more privileged than your sisters’ which is just…odd. My kids love their cousins and my aim is to help them get along with each other not create competition and resentment.

i’m not sure why you are asking here. At no point have you accepted that maybe you have handled it badly. Would you do the same again? You just want everyone to say “yeah your sister has 5 kids - too bad for them”

From the kids’ perspective of course it seems unfair. Even your mum giving both her DDs £100 knowing you’ll likely spend it on the kids is obviously going to mean you’ll have more spending money for ice creams etc… than your sister. Would you have been equally happy if your mum had given you less of a share of the £200 and more to your sister because she has more kids? The fairest way would have been for your mum to give £20 each to the children and then there would have been no grumbling. That is a bit more ‘normal’ if I’m honest.

£20 is a decent amount for kids to spend on holiday presumably it’s also on top of whatever your sister would have been providing for her own kids?

You have disrespected your mum
And upset your sister
How are you going to put this right ??

I’m with your sister on this. My mom always gives holiday money to my kids. I have three so 60 pounds between them. My sister has one child and so does my brother. They each get £20 for a holiday. Each grandchild is treated as an individual. The sensible thing would have been to keep the £100 and put it in the general pot and then agree with your sister a nominal amount each of the grandchildren gets. A 4 year old does not need 50 quid to spend on tat! I’m sure your mom would not want division between her grandchildren.
And I never understand all the hate on here for people with big families. Resources might be more split with three but my children definitely have incredible sharing skills, kindness and compassion. Something as a parent you have an opportunity to teach here. Rather than I have more and I’m going to brag about it. It’s just cash…decent values are far more important in life.

I don't think it makes any difference the outcome is the same and I wouldn't want t encourage my children to behave privileged. I think it would have been kinder and fairer if OP and her sister had pooled the money and shared it equally among the children. It's not the niece's and nephew's fault that they are from a big family

I don’t see the issue with £50 spending money. It means they can’t get their ice creams and little tatty bits themselves. And also teaches them about how fast money goes and to starting thinking about what matters, delayed gratification, value etc

It was given to you to make your holiday with your sister easier… and you have decided to use it to make it harder.

Now the kids resent each other on holiday. What a shame and yes it is your fault for not thinking it through and trying to make it fair.

You have said you have enough money already… Maybe use some money to do something nice as it was intended or buy everyone an ice cream.

eh, my husband and I have lots more money to spend on our children than my B and SIL have to spend on their children - this is actually entirely due to their own incredibly poor money management as we have similar incomes. But their children suffer as a result.

I think it’s important to teach my children to be sensitive to others’ financial situations, and so would have given them the amount equivalent to what their cousins had. I’d have spent the remainder on something all the children can enjoy together. OR I’d have given my children the remainder privately and ensured it was spent discretely.

your sister was crass to ask you this, but tbh I think it’s more crass to make other children feel sad about having less money. I would always go out my way to avoid that situation coming up in the first place.

care to explain HOW the mum was disrespected when the OP is saving the money for her kids to treat themselves?

It's the SISTER who is upsetting the OP
How is the sister going to put this right?

Totally. Why go on holiday together. The reaction is so mean.

Also if your mum gives £100 you dont need the reaction is still... how lovely, ill treat us to a meal or similar, so nice not to worry about snacks costs - express some gratitude, say a nice thank you!

Why? The mum gave each daughter a fair split.

Generally speaking children in large families do have less, and have to get used to money going less far when its split between more people. Its not on the rest of the extended family/society/community to compensate parents for their choice to have 5 DC.

If you knew you were 100% in the right ,you would not be on here arguing the toss with strangers .
Take the money back..which as it's in your bag ,won't be difficult..
Have a proper conversation with your sister..you know ..like adults do ...
And book something nice to do with the £200 , together..as a family

And what is stopping you saying to your kids, “Oh I’ve spoken to Granny and we are going to have £20 to spend on this holiday and keep some more money for spending for the rest of the summer holidays”. At 4 and 8 they have barely any concept of money, so surely would be fine with this, and even if they aren’t it’s your decision. Plus £20 is more than enough spending money at that age when, I assume, you’re also buying them stuff anyway.

Of course you are with the sister, your family get more 😂

Aren't you embarrassed at all? I would be mortified to get more money than my siblings like that.

This is mid way solution i guess.

I haven't even gotten past the poll before typing this but who the hell are the 31% of people thinking YABU? 😂

£50 each for an 8yo and a 4yo (who probably can't even count to 50) is madness. Extraordinary that you and your sister are close enough to holiday together and have ended up in this situation. Why didn't you discuss this?

• you could have pooled the money, added a fiver each and given each child £30
• you could have given each child £20 and kept £30 each for yourselves, maybe gone off for an evening on your own
• you could have kept £100 each for yourselves and the kids would have been none the wiser

Your behaviour is inconsiderate, unkind and unsisterly. I suspect there is a backstory of you being the posher/richer one and rubbing it in your sister's face. Yes she chose to have 5 kids, but having chosen to holiday as a family group, you should try to make sure that the DCs all feel they are being treated fairly and equally as a group of 7.

Cause my kids have already spent some of their money. So it would be unfair for them to have money taken away now

I think there's nothing wrong in what you've done.. HOWEVER if you've given it to your kids with a "this is from Granny" then I could see how it could cause issues, because your sisters five would then be thinking why didnt we get any (believing their money was from their own parents only) OR why did Granny only give us £20?

So it depends how it was gifted to them from each set of parents, thats maybe caused the issue? If they're aware it was from Granny.

I mean personally I'd have given my kids £20 each and used the remainder towards a day trip or something and thanked my Mum personally, but not told the kids it was from Granny to save issues with their cousins.

Your mum probably thought you’d use that money to get the kids or yourselves some ice cream or treats not give your kids the whole lot and cause issues on a family holiday.
Saying that, your sister should be explaining to her children that they have £20 because there are 5 of them and the share doesn’t go as far as it does between 2. The older ones who are presumably complaining should understand this

I get on too well with my sister to have not chatted her before giving the money directly to my kids to make sure not to cause any tension. I would do what you did if I was on holiday with an acquaintance and their kids. You don't seem too fussed about how your sister is feeling, so it is fair enough what you've done - it's just not particularly considerate. However, the basic maths isn't unreasonable.