I am refusing to take away my children's holiday money because my sistsrs kids are jealous. AIBU?

[dramaticlifestyle]

We are on a family holiday right now. Me, my husband, my daughter (8 years old), my son (4 years old). My parents. My sister, her husband, and their 5 children.

My mum, bless her, really wanted to give everybody a bit of money to spend on holiday. She was able to spare £200 pounds which is absolutely lovely of her. My mum decided to split the money in half, she gave me £100 and my sister £100. I told my mum that I don't need the money because me and my husband already have enough holiday spending money. But ahe insisted, so I decided to give the money to my kids. £50 for my daughter, £50 for my son. That's their money to spend how they want.

My sister did the same thing as me and she gave all the money to her children, but because she has 5 children they get £20 each. We've been here for a few days and the kids have started asking each other about money, my daughter was asked how much money she has, she said she has £45 (She already spent £5). That has caused my sisters kids to start complaining to their mum and dad about the fact they only got £20 whilst my son and my daughter got £50.

My sister has since spoken to me and asked if I can take some of my children's money away because my sister can't afford to give each of her kids £30 because my sister and her husband already have a set budget for this holiday. I said that I'm sorry her kids feel jealous, however I am not going to take away my kids money because that isn't fair to my kids. I split the money fairly, my children shouldn't have to have their money taken away just because their cousins are jealous. I said I will make sure my kids aren't intentionally trying to make their cousins upset, but I will not take away some of their money. My mum also does not have more money to spare because she also has a holiday budget.

Right now we are sitting by the pool and my sister has decided to sit far away from the rest of us. Clearly trying to indicate she is upset.

AIBU?

Id have pooled the money and split it equally between the kids

I think you are unreasonable not to have discussed with your sister before hand about how much money the kids would be getting - no matter the source - because it’s obvious the kids would compare - and as you are all on holiday together it would have been kinder to not have some of the kids having so much more than the others.

If it was your money, I’d say YANBU, and I completely understand your reasoning and agree. BUT as your mum did a kind and generous thing to give you and your sister money, I think YABU not to try to find a compromise that reduces upset on your holiday, for your mums sake. Your sister hasn’t asked you to give her kids extra money, she’s just suggested reducing your kids amount, which seems a good compromise. They can have the rest later. They’re too young to need a lot of money and you can buy their ice creams. I wouldn’t want my mums kind gesture to upset everyone on a family holiday. If I was your mum I might think twice about giving any money again.

Can't believe how stupid your mother has been sharing money this way, was she she equally clueless with you?

Let your passive aggressive sister stew on her own. You’ve done nowt wrong.

It’s not about being a robot. It’s about not encouraging your children not to be entitled. The children should have been happy to be given £20 each and not whingeing about how much the other kids had.

On group holidays in our family we try and ensure all the kids have the same. So in that situation if grandma gave £100 to each daughter we would chat about what we would do with it. If it was decided to share it between the grandchildren then the one with 5 would be replicated by the one with 2 on that holiday so that all grandchildren got £20. The extra £60 would be saved to spend when the children were home away from their cousins. I wouldn't want a bad atmosphere,£20 is plenty of pocket money and there are options for more treats when home for the 2 kids.

How is it a drip feed, it's in the OP?

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable but predictably the responses have been derailed by the "yOu shouldn't HAve Kids If YOU CAN'T aFford theM!" brigade.
I think your Mum could have split the money equally to be honest, to avoid this. And I suspect there is a family dynamic here you haven't mentioned.... She wouldn't act like this out of nowhere surely? Especially on a holiday it sounds like they've scraped together for.

This really. I can see why it must feel a bit crap to your sister’s kids, and overall instead of the nice gesture that your mum wanted to make it’s going to end up feeling a bit shit for everyone and possibly breed resentment. I also wouldn’t give a 4 year old £50 and feel it would have been more sensible for the adults to have discussed it, then either split it seven ways or given everyone £20 and you kept the extra £60 to use another time or put in your kid’s savings. What real benefit is it giving such a lot of money to young kids?

As she copied you and gave the money to her kids, she will have known that they would end up with less and had the opportunity to top it up. She just chose not to do so. That is on her.

She's being a petty asshole.

You’re not very nice to your nieces and nephews. You could have given your children $20 each and saved the rest for another occasion when cousins would not be around. I would be upset with you to.

Being on a budget isn't the same as not being able to afford it. Who gives a preschooler £50!?
My point is, you don't know their situation. So keep your opinion about their family size to yourself.

OPs mum did split the money equally….

Absolutely this. But then you need to have some awareness and empathy and I think OP is lacking in that department. I would have talked with my sister first to say that I wanted to give x spending money to my children- are you giving yours any and if yes let's go for the same sum?

She can't afford it!!

It’s completely irrelevant that the money came originally from granny. Family 1 made a decision about how much spending money to give to their kids. Family 2 made a decision about how much spending money to give to their kids. In no universe are those two decisions interdependent. Growing up, some of my friends and cousins had more pocket money than I did and some had less. And now as an adult some for my friends and family have more disposable income than I do and some have less. That’s life, eh? Sometimes people get jealous of others who have more than them. Also just life. Good for the kids to learn early and figure out how to navigate for themselves. Advise the “richer” kids not to show off and to look for opportunities to be generous. Advise the “poorer” kids to be grateful for what they have and make the most of it.

We regularly went away with friends with kids and
always discussed what and if the kids would be given as pocket money
So they all had the same and to avoid exactly what is happening with your sisters kids

The failing here is you and your sister not talking about this before and agreeing on an amount you both could afford

If you were ok in giving your kids £50 each I’m guessing you intended to give them some spending money before your mum gave you £100 anyway. So the discussion should have happened earlier to allow for family budgeting of all of you

I feel sorry for your sisters kids that you don’t appreciate that your nieces and nephews feel upset by this whilst they watch on as your kids have so much more for treats

Organisation beforehand could have been avoided

You should have earmarked (some of) it for extras for the children but not actually given them the cash or mentioned the amount. It’s family money - although you can choose to spend it all on your children.

I’d never give children of that age £50. I’d mentally keep count of the money in my head and choose to buy things for the children when appropriate and/or used it for family treats.

So just the poorer kids have to be grateful!!!!

Your mum's caused this. 7 grandkids spilt the money equally. 28 pounds each. Silly people

You are not wrong, your sister is being unreasonable. Your mother gave the holidsy money to her kids not her grandkids. It was the fairest thing for her to do. Those telling you yiyr mother shoukd have shared the money equally, wont that also have caused another problem wheee one of her dsughter gets £100(20×5) while another gets £40(2×20) whichever way she chose, someone would have found a reason to be upset.... Let her be upset, she chose to have 5 kids so her resources would be stretched...you chose to have two, you get to stretch yotlour resources further, its a simple maths.

Read the thread properly. It’s nothing to do with OPs mum. She didn’t give the money to the children, she gave an equal amount of money to both families. It was OP and her sister who decided to split it among the kids. All it needs is for SiL to explain simple maths to her kids. Each family had £100. There are five of them so £20 each. In OP’s family there are only two, so £50 each. Simples.

My dc13y recently went on a 3 day school trip- the teacher recommended 50£ in spending money- but insisted on them not needing more than that so please don't give them more so we can avoid jealousy. Intelligent woman.

Well it’s just the ‘poorer’ kids complaining isn’t it ? So yes. There was an equal amount of money - it was just split differently because there are more of them sharing than in OP’s family. They actually sound bloody ungrateful if I’m honest. If I’d been given money as a kid and complained it wasn’t as much as someone else got, it would have been confiscated to teach me a lesson. That doesn’t happen these days and it needs to - it’s a boundary.