AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

I get it, you thought you were scrimping and making do and shouldering all the extra costs without question as you thought she was also in the same position. You now find out that whilst you are scrimping to pay for the things she was saying she can't afford she actually could afford them more comfortably than you could. You want the best for your children and your step children and it was worth the sacrifice when you thought that this was the only way they were going to get them but now you find out that only one family unit is shouldering the burden whilst the other party doesn't have that worry.
You can't change the past but you could adjust the future. I would start by not taking on all of the extra costs for trips and what not but start suggesting 50:50. I would also do more paying directly rather than via the mum. Say she says they need X, y and z this term, rather than sending her the money to pay for them but them and pass them on so you know that it is the children and not the mum benefiting.

sorry to be a bitch but you’re saying you were dating a man who had to live with his parents rent free because he was giving the majority of his salary to his ex (and mother of his child)
and you moved him into your house, and now you’re pissed off because the ex is living the high life while you struggle to support yourself and subsidise him, because by allowing him to live with you rent free you ARE subsidising him
What did you think was going to happen when he moved in? Surely this was all obvious?

If it makes you feel any better I can assure you when the child leaves education this will all come crashing down on her and he will be quids in( let’s hope you’re still together and he’s prepared to step up after you’ve supported him all those years)

Yes great idea. Let's all just quit and live off UC! 😀 Why not, eh?

So he rummaged through her personal post? Gosh.

I would also be careful about your house Andy is not being able to make a claim on it post split or if you die.

Perhaps your dp should back to to court for a readjustment of what he gives her.

Why do you say she gets money from 'us'? You're not paying her anything. You're in a better financial situation now than you was before you moved in with him, you've gained not lost.

I agree, I still don’t understand how OP is worse off? Surely she is better off? If not, can you explain how @Lovingthesummersun1?

This. But it’s women who are described as leeches on MN and on the Daily Heil.

OP was scraping to make ends meet before moving in her boyfriend. With the cost of living increases, it’s no surprise that him paying half the bills hasn’t made much difference.

She needs to take him up on his offer to pay “rent” but have it formalised with a lodgers’ agreement. Tax free to £7.5k a year.

They also need to decide what happens next when his house gets sold. Selling both houses and buying together would make sense.

That only works if they have shared finances. It doesn’t sound like they do .

Im still curious how a judge would sign on off on such an arrangement unless the DP was a massively high earner.

@Lovingthesummersun1 I think it's unethical what she's doing for sure. And what posters seem to miss out on is that your dp is paying her plenty so that she should be able to cover expenses but she still comes back for more. Next time he should tell her that he's already payed for x ou y. He's not paying to fund her lifestyle (well in reality he is) or shouldn't do it atleast. The dsc must be old enough to understand that dad has paid for x or y and that it it is their mum withholding money to spend on herself...

Firstly you need to start accepting some rent off your partner, have it in writing that this is specifically rent and not for mortgage contributions. This way you will be protected legally if you did split he wouldn't have a claim on the house (this is my understanding anyway through a friend who did similar).
He shouldn't bring seeing her bank statement up to her, but he should have a word with her. Maybe he should tell her directly you guys are struggling and he will need to pay less of the mortgage and she will have to cover some if it with her own salary and UC payments, she is taking the piss.

My DP is now refusing anything above the court order and cms. Stuff his DC needs he will buy them direct.

Great. Problem solved.

There are two things here….

1. she is living in la la land … she may have money now but what happens once cms stops etc then she won’t be laughing all the way to the bank
2. Once he doesn’t have to pay the mortgage cms - does that change anything for you - if he isn’t paying rent?

I always laugh at parents who refuse ( different from can’t ) to work with teen kids … uc etc is less once the kids grow up it is very short sighted

Exactly what I thought when I read it she was managing quite well without his input but now struggling

And that is my view. When I asked her the other day if she'd go back to FTW after DC left education as she was moaning about lack of money again, she said no as she likes it how it is and she doesnt want the stress of working (yes I got into a conversation as on pick up she walks in my front door when I open it before being asked in then chats for 10 minutes. I now play mental bingo in my head of how many things she says to me each time to rub my nose in the disparity of our situations - if I didnt Id probably say something I shouldn't )

She can have up to 6000

Will the house be sold once the children are 18 and will he be getting half the proceeds.

Because he probably isn’t actually contributing as much of his income as OP is suggesting.

She never said she was 'managing quite well' before he moved in. Infact she discussed how difficult it was and how unexpected costs were going on her credit cards because she had no money to afford them.

Aren't people allowed to? Happy to be corrected, but thinking of my own parents, in the past they were allowed up to £16 K to claim certain benefits. I might well be wrong, as it wasn't me claiming, and that wasn't UC.
And I don't really get why you only have to work 16 hours-of course I respect some people have disabilities, but you don't say that applies to her OP. I also know it can be hard to get jobs, but again from your post, it looks like she is specifically choosing to work 2 days?
I get why you don't want your partner on your mortgage OP, but that makes it difficult to advise because in his shoes, I'd be reluctant to pay towards things if I'd have nothing if we split.
But I wouldn't pay more for his ex to luxuriate in laziness. You say you met a year after they split, so it's not like he cheated with you and you broke up the family. And if she'd gone paperless, she'd not have had this problem!

Yep. Would want no part of it.

Are your and your partner’s finances joint?

Absolutely this.

So he will be paying out the same money he is now, but it won’t be funnelled through the XW? How will that help your finances?