AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

He was living back with his parents as he couldn't afford to rent.

I would not get into a big debate about the past as you presumably don't know when that money was acquired exactly. However, I think your DH should make it aware that he has seen the statement and that he is upset that she has been pleading poverty at his expense. So going forward, she should not be asking for money for every single thing.
It seems unfair, but when their child reaches the end of full time further education, she will likely not receive any payments from UC, as without the child element her payment will be reduced to zero by her wages, and she doesn't get the housing element. She will learn then that it isn't as easy a ride as she thought.

So you're mad at a woman who sensibly negotiated divorce terms for her amd her children and is sensibly making arrangements for her financial future when that support ends?

You've moved a divorced man into your home. Presumably you worked out your financial arrangements before doing so, so were aware of his responsibilities and what he would contribute to your household.

Your struggles have absolutely nothing to do with her financial savvy. Your struggle has to do with the fact that your bills are very high compared to your income, and you moved a man in, who couldn't improve your circumstances.

If your partner is upset or thinks he's been taken for a ride, he addresses this. If he wants to be a CMS only father, so be it.
Will your circumstances improve though, when he's only paying half the bills? Won't it just mean he has more disposable income and you're still saddled with your bills?

You won't get much sympathy here considering the prevailing view that once you have a baby with a man he's beholden to support your lifestyle forever.

Unfortunately, this is DP's silly choices. Any money he's already paid out is gone, it's now up to him to determine what he spends from this point on.

OP, despite many posters asking for clarification about your DP’s living arrangements prior to moving in with you a year ago you haven’t answered these questions. Basically if your living situation is financially unsustainable and you claim you are Both funding the ex wife’s lifestyle please explain how your partner managed to rent somewhere for four years before he moved in with you and now he doesn’t pay rent so he should have a considerable amount of money saved by not paying any rent now. Nobody should get to live rent free.

Can you give some ideas of extra expenses he’s been asked to contribute to. I know school trips can be expensive but they are few and far between in an academic year. Does his divorce state that both parents are jointly responsible for extra curricular activities and expenses?

If I was in your shoes I would certainly be charging him rent to ease your financial burden and if I was him I most certainly wouldn’t expect to live anywhere rent free and would be insisting on paying. I would also keep out of his and his ex wife’s financial affairs, it doesn’t concern you and it’s not affecting your finances despite you claiming it is.

Honestly, bitterness and resentment can wreck relationships, sounds like you both need to figure out where you’re going with this and try to work out a better financial situation for you.

I do. So does my son.

I mean she might not have had anything when the arrangement was finalised so I don’t see where she has necessarily lied. If she doesn’t have enough to affect UC then she has under 6k savings so she has managed to save £100 per month over that time. Hardly a great swindle and tbh in this climate not an enormous safety net at all. It certainly isn’t enough to fund uni for anyone.

It is absolutely right that your DP should be sending her the agreed amount of money every month, that really is none of your business and it’s good if she is managing to save £100 of it.

I do think that the monthly CM should cover the trips etc unless agreed otherwise. And if ex is refusing to pay for trips for her kids even though the cash is there that conversation needs to be had!

As a UC recipient myself I think it’s bonkers that CM isn’t counted as income but (as I’ve found out myself) it is because it is the most unreliable form of income. Your partner’s ex is just benefiting from a very flawed system like a lot of us. In an ideal world CM would be counted as income but CM would also force dads to pay consistently and appropriately (I have a friend who has been awarded £1.58 a month despite her ex being a busy plumber).

Not directly but she’s the one housing and caring for his child the majority of the time.

He can and should apply for a downward variation of spousal maintenance (for the ongoing mortgage payments) if his circumstances have changed and he can't afford it any longer. I must say that nearly all Mesher orders I have seen have involved the person staying in the house taking over the mortgage payments. The order he ended up with seems unfair. Make a note of what bank her account is with so you know if she does not disclose it.

He can ask the CMS to recalculate his child maintenance based on his income. If he is not paying you rent, it seems odd that you are struggling so much as a couple, as he would need to pay rent for a different place if he didn't live with you.

It is unfair that he is paying his ex's mortgage payments if she is in receipt of universal credit and CMS and works.

Some people seem to genuinely believe they are skint if they have less than a certain amount.

My I laws claim poverty. Own their house outright, holiday at least 6 times a year and one of those is for a month and have brand new mercs on their drive. Won’t eat frozen meat and will throw out food the day before the best before.

But they are skint couldn’t possibly even order in a take away 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣 Talk about how they must put away £50 a month every month for their car services. Yet their financial advisor is talking multiple bank accounts multiple pensions and rental properties. Yeah we overheard one time. Some people just always feel poor.

We don’t know anything about her circumstances. If OP thinks she is committing benefit fraud, she should report her.

Yes and there's a Mescher order in place so he's still paying towards the house and bills. And maintenance to cover (half of) the additional costs (above housing and bills) of the child. It's her job to make sure that money is allocated to cover uniform and trips. If she can't afford half of her child's expenses, she needs to get a better job.

You can be angry about it, he can also say “no” to his kids - no one gets everything they want and if it’s not affordable, it’s not affordable. She can then decide if she wants to pay for whatever.

While you say your DP was naive, and he possibly was, the judge who signed the order must have considered it fair enough that he paid the mortgage and other bills - it’s extremely unusual for a teacher order to be awarded much less additional bills so there must have been a reason that was considered fair. There’s no need for him to pay additional amounts, so he needs to stop that.

His exes finances are nothing to fo with you. He was stupid to not do his due diligence when getting divorced. You moved him into your house knowing what he was giving her. Your finances are separate so you are no worse than you were before.

So to cut a long story short, you are pissed off that you DHs ex wife is better with money than you and your DH? If he works 50 hours a week and has no mortgage to pay, plus only sees his DC 2/7 surely he has plenty money, he just chooses to spend it?

In all honesty though, take everything your partner says with a pinch of salt.

She said he was living at his parents house as he couldn't afford to rent.

And surely the answer to him paying more is not for him to pay rent but for him to cover 100% of the bills. 🤷‍♀️

Hard agree with this.
Regardless of the whys and wherefores, she has money and he doesn’t.
What you have or earn is of no concern.
He should review his contributions to her and get the fees back for a start. ExW is taking the piss out of him.

Maybe to a rich man, or she may win the lottery. Either way, OP you have to concentrate on your own life. Why are you following her sm accounts?
Look after yourself and your own dcs first. Get that extra money off him and put it in an account for you. Why is he arguing with you now when you say he offered before? That's confusing and makes me wonder if they are both a pair of grifters and you are getting twisted around. Do you really trust what he said about the bank account. She works p/t and spends a lot of money socializing but still has good savings, doesn't add up unless maybe a boyfriend is paying for nights out and holidays.

I have a similar situation, and unfortunately I think you just have to let it go. One thing we have started to gently push back on is all the extra expenses, schools trips, shoes, activities etc etc to a more 50/50 share rather than paying it all. My DH's ex wife has a very nice life, big financial cushion, part time work, and also every second weekend with no kids - which to be honest I'm just jealous of, but that's for me to deal with not her!

Yes this. Your children and your future are being destroyed because he is too wet to say no.
That money could go on your children's future. I made my mind up years ago after relationships like this that Im never subsidising a man again. My children are more important.

Women who get with men who have previous families have to realise a lot of their resources will need to go towards funding the family they have left. I don't understand why so many women get with men who have kids and then complain or try to cheat their kids out of maintenance. You can blame the other woman all you want but the reality will be his kids will suffer if you withdraw their father's funding for his own flesh and blood.

Why should HIS money go to HER children’s future?

Also, how is her future being destroyed? She was in a worse financial situation before he moved in.

That would work. Many couples do it that way.
Also, I would get some legal advice on protecting her house. Something just doesn't add up with the DP and ex and OP sounds stressed and in a bit of a spin.

Men need to be accountable for their own kids FFS it is 2026.
There was a report on Woman's Hour about how women who are single women through choice with kids end up with more savings than those who married. Men are richer for being married and women poorer, on average. The unpaid labour and gaps in employment while having kids is what mostly make women fall behind financially and men can't get their heads around the fact they benefit from this maid, chef, childcare and housekeeping service and they need to support the person they've leached off as well as their own kids.