AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

Trust me, she doesnt. Shes just finished relationship 3 with another odd guy (as she said to me the other day) after having embroiled the DC into 'this is your family and brothers / sisters etc'. Happens each time. Upsets the DC and is another thing we are powerless to do anything about.

To be fair she wasn’t exactly hiding the game she’s been playing was she. Working minimal hours, topped up by UC, keeping her savings just under the threshold, tapping your husband for regular top ups alongside the money he already pays. I mean she’s been laughing at you both for years. The only thing you can do now is get your step child to an age of financial independence and step back from the whole thing knowing you have massively overpaid.

If the legal opportunity is there to reopen the settlement and ask for a review of her income I would. Doesn’t mean down to the minimum, but something more reasonable for sure.

You seem to think you have more entitlement to your partners money than his child and the mother of his child.

He pays his way in your home so you are not subsidising her or funding her lifestyle in any way. You were barely making sense meet before your met your DP and nothing has changed for you. That is ok because he had financial obligation elsewhere before he met you.

If the ex exaggerates her needs to the father of her child then that is down to him to deal with. Her bank account is irrelevant to you. He has offered to give you more but even that isn’t good enough for you. You need to get a grip on your jealousy and sense of entitlement.

Do you know what % of the equity they will each get when house is sold? And approximately how much that will be?

Maybe her standards will improve if she’s choosing a man to accompany her once the maintenance stops…

This is for your DP to deal with, his ex, his money. If he didn't want to pay for extras he wouldn't.

I’m confused as to what your problem is. How has she lied? She gets a wage, UC and your DPs contribution. He knows that. That income has been enough for her to accumulate some savings. It’s been 6 years, her financial position now has no bearing on her financial position years ago.

Your DP made the decision to give way above the standard amount, he made that decision with his eyes wide open. He’s not a victim and you’re certainly not. You’re not subsidising her in anyway.

If he can no longer afford what he agreed or thinks she no longer needs that amount he should get legal advice

Its so, so, so weird the way commentary here rockets from “he’s a good man for paying so much for his first family and his destitute and pitiable first wife” to “OP should pick better than this idiot who was rinsed by his first wife” to both OP and her partner are sad losers in life who deserve to suffer so saint first wife, patron saint of first wives, can live large on UC in the house the DP pays for.

It's not weird that people have differing viewpoints.

She will have lost her single person Council Tax allowance and also has another child to feed every weekend.

It’s a minimum earnings threshold rather than hours. She will need to earn enough as if she worked 30? Hours in minimum wage I think it is.

So in a couple you could get a sahm on UC with school aged children and zero work commitments if the husband earns enough to equate to two lots of minimum wage full time.

But he’s paying half the bills and will be feeding his own child. There’s no way she is not financially better off with another income in the house, even if he gives a lot of it to his ex

The answer temporarily seems to be for your DH to start refusing to pay for any extras, or buying items himself for his DC rather than giving her any more money. Presumably in 4 years the payments to her will dramatically drop?

Agreeing to a Mesher order was a big mistake.
He should have pushed for a proper asset spilt.

She may very well have lied but now your partner knows the truth he needs to tell her that he’s aware and stop the additional payments straightaway.
He hasn’t challenged her so you’ll remain as you are financially. If you want your finances to change he needs to challenge her. Mind you he’d have to admit he poked through her bank statements though which is a really bad look.
As others have said though, it’s great to see him supporting his kids financially. Too many men won’t do and quibble over every penny.

How do you know he was the "leaver"?

If your DP didn’t check the financials on divorce then he was a fool but it’s too late now I guess. It sounds like he prioritises his DC which is to be admired. Given what he has learned, I’d advise him to stick to his legal obligations and do nothing more (although in reality compromises will need to be made if DC loses out as a result). I’d tell her why things were changing too.
In your position I would also ask him to pay an appropriate rent. Better the money is with you than his ex. If he has less money, his ability to give it away is more limited. I think I’d play the long game if he is otherwise great as 4 years will fly by. Then he can stop paying and force the house sale (and offer for DC to live with him if she cannot house them - she had long enough to sort herself out).

I’m pretty sure the limit for UC is £6000 so she has up to £5999 in the bank as a single mum things can change at any point

This is a horrible situation but you need to understand that this is because your DP is spineless. The lack of boundaries with her is the issue and his inability to ever set these will continue forever more. You shouldn't be feeling the stress of this and getting resentful towards her...it's not your role. I think you're actually furious with him.

He shouldn't say 'yes' to her every time. He's created this dependency. Wouldn't you get someone else to pay for something and keep your own money every time if you could? And it's none of your business how much she has in a bank account. It's lucky she does have that now if she's going to be getting hand outs less.

Also, your DP doesn't need to afford university. If it's based on their place of residency at their Mum's, which it is, it will be assessed on her income (maintenance aside) and they will be entitled to all the grants and the full amounts. This will actually make it easier on you as you won't need to give anything...in theory...although that wouldn't be right either. A little to-up should be all that's needed or half the accommodation costs.

He needs to pay you a proper rent. This shouldn't give him any right to your house. Then he needs to go back to court to get his contribution reviewed in light of this and any evidence he has that she has alternative sources of income.

But at the end of the day, you have chosen to live with someone with financial responsibilities beyond your family.

Sounds like she doesn't have another income, just someone paying half the bills. She may be marginally better off, but not significantly as she still has her mortgage/rent, DCs costs and half the household bills.

but even if he had loads of spare cash you say he can't pay you rent so what difference does it make to you living in a house you really cannot afford? it is not your money going to her. And UC tapers once you have 6k in savings and stops when you have 16k. So if she has 15k of savings her UC would be reduced by a lot.

And he pays half of all bills.
So whilst she may have lost her 25% council tax deduction hes paying 50% of the council tax which means shes saving 25% on council tax alone.
Then you've got gas and electric it wont cost any extra to heat or light the ops house, but it will cost a bit more for hot water and appliance usage but again hes paying 50% of these bills so again shes saving on that.
Food hes 1 extra person 5 days a week and 2 extra for 2 days, she is atleast 3 people (her + her children (so atleast 2 children)) 7 days per week and again he pays 50% so again shes saving on food costs.

Basically shes already better off than she would be if she lived alone with her kids. The problem is @Lovingthesummersun1 couldn't afford to live before, having to put basics like car repairs on credit cards and not having any spare cash each month for school trips or extras and now she can fund her bills and school trips, pay down her debt and have a £1000 in savings but still doesn't have the money to finance the sort of lifestyle she wants to live and is blaming the exw for this

So what, why are you so invested in what she does with her future. She's not your ex. Less chit chat, you're finding out information that's winding you up and ultimately what good does it do? It makes no difference.
Good for her she's come away from a divorce and isn't in poverty. Worry about the grass on your side of the fence.

By all means encourage your OH to find methods of ensuring that any ££££ he wishes to pay towards his children goes via methods like ParentPay so he can be sure they will directly benefit from his support.

But this needs to be his battle to fight and not yours. He was naive albeit well intentioned going into the divorce so if he now, with hindsight, thinks he made poor decisions, then that’s on him to address.

And like others on this thread, I still don’t understand why you are saying you aren’t any better off financially now OH has moved in. If the household really needs more £££ in order to have a more secure lifestyle, then why aren’t you taking up the offer of him paying rent? Doesn’t make sense.