AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

You don't know when she got that money or how, so you don't know she "lied."

If it is under the level for UC it isn't a huge sum.

Op you knew DP had financial commitments to a previous family when you met him. If they have not changed, then yes, YABU.

Does your children's father not contribute?

It sounds like he has lucked out moving in with you and you are covering most of the bills. I assume also looking after his kids and doing most things around the house when he is working this long hours? I mean, no it’s not fair, but you’ve kind of allowed it.

You knew his situation and about the decisions he’d taken, with huge financial ramifications. You chose to continue to date then live with and subsidise him.

Fair enough if you’ve now decided you’re no longer willing to do that.

She is one person you are a couple, she has managed to save on working 16hrs a week. Her situation is far more fragile.

Is it possible that money was gifted for the child? Notwithstanding it really doesn't matter ...your DP scooped and can ask about it if he wants to be honest?

OP you could write up a Lodgers’ Agreement for him. It’s tax free to a certain point and doesn’t give him a claim on your home.

I think you’ve been overly generous to him in letting him live rent-free, and he’s been overly generous to his ex because he can afford to because you’re subsidising him.

If you can have a calm conversation this could all be rectified. What do you expect longer term, too?

She still tells us shes broke now and asks for more money. Thats what I have the big issue with. My DP is now refusing anything above the court order and cms. Stuff his DC needs he will buy them direct.

This.

I understand that you describe finances as “ours”. So you are not going to split up over your financial situation. However moving forward DH does not have to give in to her demands any more. He doesn’t have to say that he saw the statement. He can just plead poverty. We all know about the cost of living crisis. I would be under funding her requests and trying to build up savings for uni for both of your children.

Were just angry that she lied and continues to lie to get more money from us so she doesnt have to use her own money, whilst we tightly budget to ensure everything can be covered.

To add, in answer to your question. It's OK to feel resentful about it. I've been there! At the time, I had a SC who was with her mum most of the week and with us 1 midweek night and 1 or 2 nights on weekends, we had 2 younger DCs at our home full time. DH worked FT, I worked PT for childcare reasons, SC's mum worked FT.

SC's other home was bigger and nicer than ours, they went on longer and further away holidays. DH didn't deduct anything from his monthly payments for the number of nights we had her or after our reduced income and extra children after we had her younger siblings.

At the time it was stressful and yeah, I was jealous and frustrated and broke. I was jealous of her childfree weekends and evenings at a time when I never had a childfree weekend or evening, that she could have hobbies and interests and sports out of the house when I felt trapped. All very ugly feelings and negative and don't reflect well on me.

HOWEVER... longer term, I'm glad that my SC had two lovely homes and experienced two different types of loving households. My DH and I have both been FT for many years now and that obvs helps financially. I was tied up in baby blues and green eyed monster and I'm glad I didn't rock the boat.

So yes, it's not mad for you to feel how you do, it's understandable.

Funny how these guys always luck out.
No man as loving as one that needs free housing.

I just cannot understand how any woman with children could make these choices to pay extra bills, wear and tear for a man who is funding another household.

Her own children have gone without.
He has loyalty to another household, that is his priority.

Your priority should be your children and sadly it's not.
5 years this has gone on.

You have funded him to the tune of thousands and thousands.
What would a one bed apartment cost in your area?

Do the math and wake up.

You do realise that his maintenance will increase if he never has his children and they will come to hate both of you.
You really are coming across as both short sighted and spiteful

The court order and CMS is enough though isn't it? I mean Mesher orders are increasingly rare, he must have almost insisted on it!
I think if you insist on staying with this man, you need a written agreement on his contribution. You have his kids every weekend? Yeah, he needs to be paying half towards all costs. Get a cohabitation agreement drawn up so he has no claim on your property and stop subsidising him.
You cannot afford to subsidise him and his children, you have your own children to think about.

It’s in the OP that he offered “rent” and OP refused. She’s the architect of this! It’s okay to change her mind now.

"She still tells us shes broke now and asks for more money. Thats what I have the big issue with."
That's annoying, I get it - but she's not the first, and won't be the last; she's happy enjoying her life, with money that, as others have said, she may have inherited, or won, since the agreement. Your DH has stopped paying for so many extras, so accept that shes an arsehole who tries it on, let him pay you some rent (maybe informally as more bill money, careful of ending up having to declare it as income and do tax returns..). You're better off financially than before you were with him, so that's fortunate, you just resent her seeming to have a nicer life.
Tell him you'd like to plan a nice holiday each year (or whatever lifestyle thing you really feel you're missing), and that you both need to work out how to budget to afford that, and get on with your own lives.

If she asks for money for something for the child he should just buy whatever it is they need and not give the cash to her.
He can go back to court for a variation perhaps and ask for the house to be sold? Or for the child to be with him more, reducing his maintenance? He's stuck otherwise.
How would he house himself if you split up? Maybe that would force the issue?
Don't let her get to you, living off her ex and benefits is nothing to be proud of. She's lazy and greedy from the sound of it. You're not, you can be proud of yourself.

He's a fool. If he really doesn't want to tell her he knows (what would the consequences be beyond her being angry she got caught?), he needs to lie e.g. tell her he needs to work less on doctor's orders as the works stress is affecting his health, and therefore can only afford X. Are the kids old enough to get pocket money direct?

She'll be just under the UC savings threshold because she keeps some easily accessible money in Premium Bonds in the kids' names.

His ex is not his family.

But she wont take the extra as she does not want him to have any hold on her house. The whole thing sounds strange tbh. She was poor before, should be a bit better off with half the bills paid, wont take extra for rent, still poor and it's all the ex's fault.
Her dp definitely should not have been snooping through ex's bank statements and then telling his new gf her balance.

This.
My partner had to stop paying the extras over what he's meant to because it was impacting our ability to pay the bills.
We just pay for things when they're with us and the ex pays things that pop up when with her.
How often she let's them come has always been up to her.

What on earth are you talking about. He’s been split 6 years. The financial order is done, you’ve no idea if she lied at the time. All he does is contribute an equal share to his own children additional costs.

He took the decisions he took during the divorce and has taken every single decision since. He’s seemingly now regretting some of his decisions.

It’s your problem too because of a series of decisions you’ve taken.

Lots of downsides to both your decisions.

I’m still confused.

So he pays his fair share to you= you are better off than you previously were.

she then asks for more. He then pays that out of his salary . How does that affect you?

unless the extra is then what’s coming out of your joint pot?

you then have a choice. Tell him to get lost OR you keep your money separate. I can’t see why you would be pooling together - you have no joint kids, it’s your house, very foolish of you to be pooling money when you know he has financial commitments.

I doubt he wants his child to suffer just to punish her.

But then she should be better off as he now pays half of the bills (not mortage). Unless his consumption is so high that it makes up said half of the bills.