AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

How much does he pay her per month?

Are your finances shared?

Plus half their mortgage

I reckon the ex will be fine. If she’s not being forced to work more currently by UC it means her two days a week income is the same as full time work on minimum wage.

So in four years time she can just up her hours or downsize into a smaller home from her payout and require less money to upkeep it or a mix of both.

I really wish people would read the threads properly instead instead of just piling on. The op has said multiple times that her partner is also paying half the mortgage on his former marital home and that her own husband died years ago so isn’t around to contribute to his own kids!

No. No test. Thats the whole point of this is that its bow transpired that he doesnt fairly contribute to his kids. He pays over and above 50% while she doesnt contribute the same towards her kids and tells the kids and us shes got no money but uses it on going out for herself and saving it. Thats just taking advantage of my DP for her own gain, not the kids benefit. Thats why im so annoyed

uk= arseholes, darling 😁).
Check you, bright spark🎊🎊🎊.

I guess the UK also equals wasting the DWP's time? The very pissed off OP says the savings are below the UC threshold, hence she hasn't reported her.

She's fleecing no-one. She asks the children's father for extra support, and he obliges, because he can afford to do so. Probably because he has OP propping up his life, allowing him the disposable income to do so, but that was the OP's decision.

Imagine thinking a man paying for a coat or a school trip is being fleeced ☹️.

@Honeyhonayboo
DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.

Instead, the OP's DP pays for all the extras so it's affecting their household budget. But you're correct that it should be irrelevant to the OP, her DP needs to manage this better.

Sorry, what, wait. He pays 50% of his income to his ex? That is fucking insane.

@Lovingthesummersun1

I think he can get support reassessed, reduce the spousal and if there’s a concern about her playing also pay directly to kids school for things.

However, I don’t understand why their arrangement is impacting you as much as you say it does unless you expect his moving into your place to improve your situation? He offered you rent and refused surely he’s got more in savings now or can pay for your both to go out for dates?

Sounds like you’re just pissed off that she’s a part timer with a better social life. His priority would be to have his kids with a happy mother, even if she’s playing him does he want to confront her?

He pays over 50% of the children's expenses.

I think this too.

Its her life and what he agreed was what he agreed… I think if you have a partner who has a ‘history’ with someone else; these are the things that may occur that you have to accept.

It’s his fault that he’s agreed to something disadvantageous. Maybe he could see a solicitor to find out when / what changes he could make?

good to see one man looking after his child.. I honestly think that’s the first time I’ve seen that on mn!!!

Of course she contributes to her kids, she has them the majority of the week and provides their care. She’s been the one bringing them to school the last 6 years, picking them up, bringing them to clubs, doing their washing, paying for food, paying for other bills, paying for half the mortgage.

He pays for half the mortgage because he has a financial stake in the home and he agreed to do so for a period of X years. He’s only contributing to his own equity when he eventually sells it, he’s not giving her the money.
He pays CM to his children because he has them for such a small amount of the week, he chooses to pay for the odd extra like school trips. That all seems completely normal, they’re his kids, she’s hardly fleecing them.

Your partner will still have a decent amount of his salary left, why aren’t you focusing on this? You’re making it sound like he’s sending his whole pay cheque to his ex which just isn’t true.

I would be absolutely furious too at her goady behaviour! She is clearly jealous of your relationship and sticking the knife in is the only way she can get at you. What an awful life to have though, sponging off everyone else instead of having some morals and working hard herself. Well done by the way OP for supporting your own child and teaching them the value of hard work!
IMO you have a few choices as follows:

1. Suck it up. Its 4 more years then your DP can cut all financial ties with his ex . They will fly by.
2. Apply for a variation of the order if he can genuinely ill afford to pay her what he does currently. FYI this will be expensive as you'll need legal support plus they will do a fully financial analysis so not guaranteed it will change anything.
3. Talk to your DP about only paying for the absolute bare arsed minimum from now on! Only what is ordered and the CMS. That is it otherwise you're done. If she asks for anything extra, he just says NO and means it.
4. Ask him to pay you more money each month but get it drawn up legally that he has no rights to your property and the money he pays are for the cost of living only. He will need to make financial sacrifices each month to afford this but equally his divorce is his burden, not yours.
5. Separation

@Tableforjoan I think she will be too, she's good with finances!

I agree with @Notmycircusnotmyotter, if the DP wants to change the current arrangements, e.g., setting up bank accounts for his teenagers and giving them money directly, he'll have to take control of the situation. At least he's contributing well to his children's upbringing.

They agreed via solicitor negotiations then it got rubber stamped by the court. The court will only disagree and look into it if you cant agree and have a hearing.

Yeah that’s absolute bullshit, who told you that? It also makes no sense, what is a court disagreeing with exactly if the parties haven’t come to an agreement themselves?

The court has a duty of care to ensure “fairness” and absolutely will haul both parties in for a hearing - even if they’ve reached an agreement - if only to make sure that the party “losing out” has had adequate legal advice and fully understands what they’re agreeing to, they won’t rubber stamp it otherwise especially if it leaves one party facing financial hardship.

Your DP isn’t being honest with you and I would hazard a guess he’s kept something which has balanced things out, most likely his pension.

My husband and I have a similar arrangement to your partner OP - he contributes more towards our children's care financially and I contribute more in terms of hands-on time spent with them, making arrangements, appointments, driving them around etc. I don't think it's that unusual that the parent who sees their kids less supports them financially instead - do you think your husband should be paying for less than 50% of his child's expenses? Do you think their child is going without due to the ex's spending?

If she’s going to have to loose the house when her son turns 18, maybe she’s saving for that reason?

If her own husband died, isn't she getting some kind of stipend for her minor children? She's also working full time.

The facts are she couldn't afford to move this guy in because he's got pre-existing financial obligations plus tops up his ex's funds when ex asked. She resents ex for asking for money, but not the person actually giving it to her while living under her roof and paying no rent, only half the bills. She resents ex for traveling and having saved a whopping nearly 6k in 5 years. That isn't that much. Ex is setting herself up for when the financial obligations to her cease and OP's partner is ok with it up until OP wants what ex has.

True. It is only a snapshot. I have no less than 9 savings accounts (because they are high interest and have caps on how much I can deposit), 3 cash ISAs, 2 stocks & shares ISAs, and NS&I bonds. Reading one of my statements would most definitely not give anyone a clear picture of how much is in my savings.

Yeah, I still wouldn’t ever get romantically involved with someone who was still married. It tends to end badly, and your situation backs that up.

If you had met him now, knowing that he would financially prioritise his ex wife and child to the detriment of current partner, would you still consider him a good option? From your thread I would say you wouldn’t, as you seem unhappy with the situation.

The title of your thread and contents ...implies spousal maintenance

All I can say is if dh and I didn’t work out, I wouldn’t ever get with a man with kids again, it’s not worth the stress.

..and for all the frothers DWP has access to your savings history and current savings information

Yet DWP can look at them all

And it’s been his choice to fund XW lifestyle ever since. He’s only saying what you want to hear because you are turning on him, and he doesn’t want his cushy situation to end.

Things won’t actually change for you at all will they if he’s giving money directly to his DC rather than it going via XW.

In fact, this could really backfire. Some teens have a very embedded sense of entitlement and expensive tastes. You won’t have any right to object to what he spends on his kids. He could end up spending more!

And in 4 or 5 years, when he gets whatever percentage of the equity he’s entitled to and isn’t paying half XW mortgage, OP might not see him for dust!