AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

You're the head prefect of the Asshole Society! How warped.

Yes. Dont have a problem with that. I expect my DC will still be living at home post 18. My parents didnt kick me out at 18 so why shouldn't I be willing to house mine and my DPs kids post 18?

YABU to get involved with a guy who hadn’t sorted out his finances. YABU to give her so much headspace. If you have no shared children then move him out and focus on your own family.

Having up to £6k savings has no effect on UC. Between £6 and £16k money is taken off your monthly UC (anbout £5 for every £250
savings?) At £16k savings universal credit stops.

The thing is… he offered to pay rent. She said no, as he doesn’t want him to have a stake in her house , which is fair enough.

He said he’ll give her more money, she said no as it will just be spent on normal outgoings in the house.

So it’s not clear exactly what she wants.

Are your and your DP’s finances shared?

So your DP's children are teenagers and the youngest is 14?

As others have said, I think he should continue paying what's legally required but instead of giving their Mum money for extras such as school trips, sports kits, etc., he should start paying for extras directly.

Do the teenagers have their own bank accounts? If not, he can help them set those up and put money into those instead - then they can use their debit cards to buy clothes, sports equipment, whatever they need for extras. It's also good practice for learning how to manage money - if his ex moans, he can say that.

This presumably the ex is racing to have funds when the house is sold for somewhere to live

The father of my children died from cancer 8 years ago. Thanks for asking and assuming theres a mumsnet loved dead beat father to bash too 🙄(and no i didnt get an inheritance or house from that to live on, no house, small sum in trust for the kids when they are older not that that is anyones business. Ive worked my ass off to support us since)

But hang on OP, you are paying your mortgage and your bills and maintaining your children on your salary. Your house is yours alone. You have a career which is tiring but you are paying into a pension as well.

Your partner's outgoing have no impact on that. He would be paying his rent/bills and for his children.

In four years she will lose her home which will be sold and she will have to look for somewhere much smaller, or rent. She has no career, presumably no pension contributions, and while she may be having the life of Riley now, £6k won't last more than a couple of months.

I don't envy her.

Divorce isn't a 5 minute process. It took nearly two years in his case due to slow solicitors 🙄

So you're mad at a woman who sensibly negotiated divorce terms for her amd her children and is sensibly making arrangements for her financial future when that support ends?

@Dweetfidilove She needs to be working more than two days a week to secure her financial future though. Unless she's working in a sector where it's easy to pick up more hours.

@Meadowfinch I don't envy her either, I think she's being short-sighted. If her youngest is 14, she really needs to go full-time now so she's in a reasonable position when CMS ends.

There was no spousal maintenance. Not sure where in my post i said that? I said theres a mescher order plus he agreed to pay some of the household bills plus CMS. Plus pays for other ad hoc things too.

That poster asked a reasonable question, free of assumption.

Why, having worked your ass off to get to where you are, did you move this man in, who is of no real financial benefit to you? Having struggled, I expect you'd have done the maths and decided- a) it makes more sense to date him while he remains with his parents; b) I love and want him so much, I'll move him in, even though I'll continue to struggle. Neither choice is anything to do with his ex; who you are not financing.

She sounds like she'll figure it out. She has 4 years to make the necessary changes.

How does that mean he has no money though? CM by design isn’t a large percentage of salary, so that plus some household bills and a couple of things for his children hardly equates to a full salary.

As ive replied to someone previously. The father of my children is dead. Thanks for being so judgemental when its actually irrelevant to this post.

@Dweetfidilove Let's hope so. Working two days week when you have older teenagers (i.e., you don't need childcare) is very little - unless there's something crucial that the OP isn't mentioning like health problems or SEN.

No, im cross because she still maintains shes on the bones of her ass and cant afford anything for the kids so asks DP for it when he already pays a significant amount of his income under the financial order, which as others have pointed out is not a fair order but that was his choice.

Why does it matter to anyone else if it’s very little though? It’s literally irrelevant to the OP or anyone on here how many hours the ex works. She could be making a lot per hour for all we know.

I agree with you. I work full-time with a teenager, because:
I don't want to be at a loss when maintenance ends.
I'm hot on my pension contributions.
I also can't afford to work so little.

None of this is the OP's business though. OP should focus on the poor financial set up she's accepted. Arrangements not made with the ex-wife.

Very sorry your partner/husband died with limited financial protection in place: that’s awful.

Doesn’t change that you’ve made decisions since then that have led to your current situation, and are expressing anger with your DP’s ex rather than considering your DP’s and your own decisions.

You could be continuing to live with your DC and using your resources for yourself and them, and leaving your partner to manage his situation.

Your choice to do otherwise was and remains your choice.

So you’re annoyed he fairly contributes to the cost of raising his own children?

CM is not a huge percentage of salary, even contributing so some of the household bills as per their financial order he will still have a lot of money left.
You’ve chosen to not accept any rent from him, that’s got nothing to do with his ex. He has the money to contribute to his current living costs, but you have told him not to.

Or was this a test to see how much he would pay for even if you told him not too and you’re annoyed he failed so you’re taking the frustration out on his ex?

‘She, she, she’

What about what HE has decided/done, or you?

Well, ex-w is duplicitous. She lies to OPs DH/ her child’s father and is fleecing him for more money.

What is known about her finances is a snapshot of a sole account, it’s not a forensic knowledge of the whole financial picture, is it? The fact that she is already cheating and lying doesn’t give me confidence she won’t be doing the same within UC.

It is entirely reasonable to report on suspicion, you don’t need to know for a fact- DWP can determine that.

And don’t think it’s warped or arseholery @Dweetfidilove (uk= arseholes, darling 😁). There is a finite amount of money to go around, a budget set by Gvt to DWP and what is stolen within that deprives others who deserve it or more, or the education system or NHS. Stealing benefits, fraud matters for that reason.