AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

You are coming across too invested in the financial situation with his ex and quite bitter.

Helpful to detach, even if you are not detaching from the relationship, it’s up to him how he manages things with his ex and DC.

You are self sufficient with your own place.

Sounds like you’ve made a rod for your own back choosing a life with someone who is divorced and skint. Don’t understand what his ex has to do with it.

OP doesn’t want him to.

Don’t be silly - she’s allowed up to £15,999

But would she be able to cover half of the costs if he had less outgoings to cover the other half?

For example

OP: Shall we go to the seaside for the weekend I have the £40 to cover half of the costs, do you have £40 for the other half
Partner: No, ex asked for £80 yesterday for new school coats.

If he had split the costs of the coats 50:50 with the ex he would have had £40 of that £80 to put towards a weekend out with her that neither of them could afford on their own.

My mum was on the breadline when she met my dad. He was a low earner but had enough to get by. Together whilst still on a low income they were able to pool funds to allow the odd day out/holiday (weekend in a caravan for example) that neither would have been able to afford individually. My mum was a single parent with zero involvement from the biological father - financial or otherwise. My dad took on my sister as his own and filled in the gap that her biological father left in every way and together they were able to do more for her. Over time they were able to improve their financial position and money was less of a worry but my mum especially is still haunted by those days of being so poor.

We all hope that a relationship will bring us more in life that we manage alone. As it currently stands it isn't for her, I'd give him a chance to review his decisions in light of what he had found out and whether he could shift the dial so they as a couple are not overly disadvantaged in preference of funding the ex wife's lifestyle. He should still absolutely be supporting his children but it's not unreasonable to ask him to reflect whether the support he has been given is still what needs to be given.

Surely it's worth putting this too him before writing off the relationship and returning to a situation where she definitely can not afford her situation, especially as the living costs over the last 5 years have increased disproportionately so what could be afforded on one wage in 2020-2021 is now not feasible

Seems really unfair OP and I can see why u are upset.
Situation isn't fair and seems like ex wife is fleecing the system as well as your partner.
I know several people who choose not to work more than 16 hours to maximise their benefits entitlement, certainly isn't fair.
Regrettably, there is, zero u can do.
If you want the relationship to last, you need to find a way to put this to bed in your mind.
Otherwise, it will destroy you.

He was going through the divorce process which is more than most men dating once they have split up with their partners. I think these days very few people wait until the divorce goes through before they date. Divorce can take years and many people don't want to put their lives on hold for years waiting for the divorce to be rubber stamped by a judge before they build a new life.

And yes I am aware that there are people who need to heal and assholes who date the second they separate, or before (I was married to one of those).
But dating a year after separation and where someone is actually going through the divorce (so you know it is actually happening) is different.

You don’t say how much he pays - paying for uniforms, school trips, house hold bills etc does not sound excessive? It depends how much. But if your partner is struggling and I would say he doesn’t even pay you rent now … what did do before he moved in with you? How did he cope with rent plus payments to the ex then?
He can really knock the uni money saving on the head - kid might not even end up at uni plus he can work during a gap year if money tight

@Lovingthesummersun1that does not make sense. You said your DP paid his ex’s solicitor costs and there is a mesher order. Temporarily living with relatives is not considered secure housing. It would only be allowed if it were necessary to secure housing for the child and resident parent and there was no other alternative in the best interests of the child. There would have been legal overview of the financial settlement. In most situations the house would be sold on divorce. The continuation of child maintenance in tertiary education and mesher order kind of implies that the ex has sufficient income to house himself adequately without immediate equity release and can afford CM beyond 18.

Now you are claiming that DP had to live with parents because he couldn’t afford rent but can afford to pay you rent (which you don’t want) in addition to making voluntary payments to household bills (I would expect he has to pay for maintenance on the house as it’s still partly his asset) in addition to voluntary payments for expenses relating to his child (and also save for uni?).

Did he have his child every weekend whilst living with his parents? You had a relationship for 4 years with a divorced man that had to live with his parents during that whole time due to the terms of the financial settlement but then moved him into your home rent free - and think it’s in your own best interests?

I can see why your pissed off but maybe don’t have the whole picture and are blaming the ex rather than looking closer to home (ie DP).

It's between him and his ex.

I can see why you're fed up, of course. If he genuinely can't afford it then perhaps he should pay a bit less.

Re school trips - he should pay the school directly, then he knows where it's going.

He shoukd not have scooped through her statements.

He should not have looked at her private bank statements! And the suggestion to photograph is disgraceful!
Where the father of your child in all of this? Maybe make sure he is paying the correct child maintenance and having his child at least every other weekend!

Regardless of how you got here, this is what I would do going forward. Your DP does need to pay rent, but instead of it going into joint finances, you save it in a separate account. You work out how much that rent should be, based on the extras he is currently paying. This money would not be available to the ex if he was paying rent on his own place, so it is reasonable for it not to be available in order for him to pay you rent. He pays what he is legally obliged to, and no more. The critical factor in my thinking is that the ex does have money, and should be paying 50% of her child's costs, and it doesn't sound like she is. She is emotionally blackmailing your DP because he doesn't want the DC to go without, but she should feel the same and most definitely has the funds to provide the extras they need herself. Different if she was on the bones of her arse, but we have to take your word for it that she isn't.

This.

LTB

He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week

Without wishing to take a view or a side here, you are contradicting yourself. You aren't having to pay the majority of your own household expenses in order that he can pay her, are you? You said yourself that you want to pay your own mortgage and you don't want him paying you rent because quite rightly, you want to retain complete control over your own home and don't want him to have any right to it, were you to split. And the rest of the bills he shares with you 50:50. While him moving in may have seen some bills go up a bit, those are bills you'd have had to pay alone before he moved in. So surely you are better off for having him there, not worse? Irrespective of what he pays his ex.

So she has 5 grand. Not exactly rolling in it then is she. Yeah she has a more comfortable life at the moment but all that goes away in 4 years.

It's a court ordered agreement that he agreed to. I don't see why you'd bother carrying resentment that your choices have led you to your life and hers have led her to her life. He could have faught to give her less I suppose but he didn't so tough shit.

Get on with your own life and leave her to hers. He chose his financial situation, you chose yours, you chose to get together. Nobody forced you, not even her. Jealousy isn't a good look on anyone.

As your partner pays half the household bills (but not mortgage) & you can’t manage, how did you manage when you were funding all the household bills before he moved in a year ago?

So excluding the mortgage which is yours alone to pay, and allowing for the fact that you split all other bills equally, what is it that you would hope would make you personally better off, if he could pay his ex less?

Do you mean you hope you would benefit indirectly by him having more disposable income in general? Would you be wanting him to pay for things like holidays or a better shared car or a bigger food budget or whatever, while you pay the mortgage?

under usual mesher orders he isn’t required to pay the mortgage….she is

Imagine being this bitter because your partner’s ex has managed to save around 5 grand over the space of 6 years since her marriage breakdown.

Your DP needs to learn to say no! There's nothing wrong with making his DC wait for something they need - if it means putting off to next payday or if necessary a flat out no!
Ditto his exW - there's a cost of living crisis going on at the moment - but he hasn't had that memo!! Time to start being a bit tougher!!

You moved a guy in who couldn't afford to support his child how he chose to and live on his own. Now you're complaining about having to be frugal and resentful of his financial commitments that were prior to your relationship.

You're worse off because you could barely afford your place from the sounds of it and you've added one more person. He had previous financial commitments that he has chosen to honour. Paying back those legal fees isn't to going to happen.

Your bf shouldn't be going through his ex's financials. You resent that she has savings. You're subsidizing your partner by choice who in turn is helping support his son and that's a necessary financial obligation. You chose to take on a man with previous financial obligations. Of course you've had to tighten your belt.

If he cuts his spendings on ex's household items, how much will that realistically add to your household?

Edited,

Report anyway, say it’s over that limit, she’d need to prove her savings are not. I’d want this on her record, DWP will keep a closer eye on her as a result.

I wouldn’t mind about causing a bit of a spotlight on her duplicitous behaviour…. Just might make her think twice.

Why is your DP so engaged in bending over backwards for her? Guilt for something? He maybe needs to wake up a bit here, he may not want to piss her off, doesn’t he care about doing the same to you?

This is actually unhinged.

You would lie to the authorities and you think other people are duplicitous and need watching?

I don't understand how people on UC manage to get away with just doing 16 hours pw once their kids are older, unless they're well paid.

I've known of several cases where UC claimants have been expected to earn 30 x NMW once the youngest is in secondary school.