AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

You’re missing the point hun..WHERE is the money your partner would normally be paying on rent going? Because he paid rent and bills before he moved in with you and now he just pays bills 🤷‍♀️ he clearly has a lot more money than he is letting on to you and putting it away himself! Also WHY when your partner is paying 50% of the bills are you worse off? This has absolutely nothing to do with his ex and more about your partner and what he’s doing with his money and also how you are spending if you are stil struggling this badly when there’s an extra person contributing and also you only have his child once a week whereas his ex has him 5 days a week!!!

I would seriously consider splitting up from your partner OP. Life is too short for all this strife. Don’t you want better for yourself than this?
@Lovingthesummersun1

So you were already in a relationship when he was still married…

As said many times on this thread hun, he lived with his parents before living with the OP and paid no rent. So no he didn't pay rent and bills before.

Its a "thing" that men use women to enable them to fund their first families
He sounds utterly hopeless
Send him packing and get a lodger!

Doesn't matter if they were formally separated.

Please read the OPs posts. She has explained they were together a year after they split as he was going through the divorce.

It shouldn’t matter how she is doing. He made those agreements with her and they should remain that way. Your finances are your own and that’s where you need to concentrate your efforts. The benefits system isn’t always fair, I was much better off financially as a single parent working part time and claims tax credits than I was in a partnership both working full time. That’s not her fault and she’s not doing anything wrong. Also, every weekend is still not a lot. Your partner should talk to her if he thinks he can’t afford everything but you still have two homes between you so you aren’t doing as bad as you’re making it sound. Perhaps you need to ask him to move out, if you are financially impacted by his decisions. She might be very frugal with food and electricity etc which is obviously her choice and you wouldn’t necessarily know.

I sense there's more going on here re the financial side of it, to agree to a Mesher order, plus spousal maintenance there must have been a fair amount of surplus income for your DP over and above what was necessary to meet his own housing needs.

Where's that money gone?

So the answer is yes. He was still married.

yeah I don’t get what the problem is. She’s got savings. Her income hasn’t changed, she’s not hiding a three figure salary. He knows how much he’s giving her and that she’s still entitled to benefits. She’s got a nest egg which is sensible.

If he’s paying £££ more than he can afford then he needs to stop paying the extras. I seriously doubt he’s giving that much or his salary that he can’t afford to live. I think OPs just jealous, which is fine. But that doesn’t mean the ex is the villain

Im not sure where you're getting your information from re: 'The court will only disagree and look into it if you cant agree and have a hearing.'
Its the complete opposite - Judges can and do still turn something down if its seen as dramatically unfair to one party even if both have signed off on it.
I know three people who've been divorced who were all warned the same during their settlement negotiations, one of whom had theirs turned down and had to go through another step to confirm they were both happy with it, and if you google it you will find plenty of information on how and why it can be turned down.
Is that what your partner told you?

Yes I’ve heard this. Someone agreed to not go after the others pension and the judge wouldn’t sign off on it until he was sure they were actually happy with that as they were disproportionately worse off

Yeah I can’t see how the DP has been “duped” here.

He knows broadly what his exes income and fixed expenses are. He chose to enable his child and their mother to live well, rather than spending that money on OP. I think that is what smarts, and I don’t blame OP for feeling that way.

However, she is wrong to blame the ex rather than DP.

He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it

She's despicable. Typical Mumsnet though OP, it's all your fault and the Dad who's being fleeced.

You seem to spend a lot of time talking to her - and this is what's winding you up. Why engage with her so much? Keep it strictly about the DC and don't give her the opportunity to talk about her money. I'd be given her a 'Hi' and 'Bye'.

Your DC should 100% be paying what the court order instructs him to and no more. He can give his DC money for uni directly to them - or pay their rent direct - when the time comes. She does seem to be taking the piss but there is stuff you can do to protect yourself from feeling even more stressed by her behaviour. I'd be taking a massive step back and let DH deal with her.

A judge can't sign a financial order unless it meets the legal definition of fair and reasonable.

OP is clearly bitter because she thinks the ex has it good when she's struggling. Totally fair enough but she's not looking at the longer picture.

By "you" meant her partner/her. Even without fully shared finances if she is having to pay out more for their lifestyle - days out or holidays because he is paying 100% of the extra for his children it impacts her.

He is a parent and he should pay his way, but his children have a mother too so if affordable for both parties the costs of life should have a contribution from both parents. What the respect divide of that cost will be specific to the couple.

The daughter will be adult soon enough. I'd leave it. He soon wont have any financial obligations to the ex. End of. A handful of years really isnt that long. Thw problem will be over before you know it.

She sounds horrible for rubbing your nose in it. It’s not reasonable for him to want money back he already agreed to but he needs to say no in future. As for her privacy- I would have been tempted to photograph her statement. But even without that, he needs to say no, deal with the conflict, offer to have DS if she kicks off, and suggest mediation with full financial disclosure if she makes trouble. I can’t stand women who use their kids to hide behind like this.

Agreed. It doesn’t make sense! If his finances affect you then you should ask him to leave. It’s important he sorted out his first family before making a second. In 4 years those payments will end and he will have more money.

But she never had days out/holidays before being with him. She was struggling before him, she’s struggling now , just slightly less by the sounds of things.

I’m going to go against the general grain here and say this would massively annoy me. Of course the kids need to be properly looked after and should not be left without, but that isn’t what this is. She is still their parent and should hold responsibility for them and funding their life. The fact he wouldn’t be able to afford somewhere to live without being with you is utterly insane. He should only be giving her what he can afford to, AFTER paying his own expenses. I would tell him to go back to court and adjust things. The cost of living has changed.

This.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that she assumed living together would mean having more spare cash than living separately.

OP needs to:

1. get him to pay rent as a lodger (which is originally offered, so shouldn’t be a problem)
2. tell him to stop spending all of his spare cash on extras for his kids (sounds like he’s already onboard)
3. make a long term plan for when his house is sold
4. stop engaging with the ex when she’s making smug comments