AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

I'm also curious as to this, one party with an almost unheard of order these days, and another back at their parents because they can't afford to even rent?

Doesn't stack up to me.

Your issue is that your DP is trying to give his DC a lifestyle he cannot afford. Ex says she can’t afford it… so DO will cover it. But he cannot really afford it either… so DP will need to adjust his expectations for his children, and his children will need to do the same. If Ex doesn’t pay her share, he needs to say… I can pay half, but I cannot afford to pay your mother’s half. You will need to speak to her.
but also…. You seem to have a lifestyle that you cannot really afford (with or without DP). It sounds like you cannot afford to give your kids everything you do, or afford your house. So Ex’s spending is really neither here nor there…

Hit the nail on the head. This is what has made me so cross. My DP wouldn't see it for ages as just wanted stability and security for his DC but has been slowly realising over the last few years and now he feels massively duped

God don’t flag this up to OP! I am not sure how she would feel about having to house and feed DPs children once they pass the threshold that warrants maintenance.

I have seen this play out a few times and the step parent seemed completely unprepared for that eventuality.

How much does he stand to gain once the Mesher order comes to an end and the house is sold? I’d hope 50/50 at least given he has been paying the mortgage.

If she had over £16k in the bank your partner needs to report her to the DWP for possible benefit fraud.

I was going to sympathise but I don't think you are being fair.

For a start, I don't believe the 'dc asked to look for a school document and he just happened to find a bank statement and everything jumped at him' rubbish. He shouldn't have looked at it, let alone in detail, especially in front of the child. That's really outrageous behaviour.

Then you have no idea why she has savings. Could be for a new kitchen, roof repairs, a car, a medical intervention etc...

He agreed to a mersher order and will get his entitlement to the house, so he's not loosing on finances, just investing it. What part of her lifestyle are you funding?

He's not been duped, he's been foolish to agree to a Mesher order, unless there were specific circumstances and his solicitor advised it. I can't believe that any solicitor would give advice that would leave such an unbalanced financial order being agreed to that left one party unhoused. It's not even common sense, it's nothing to do with being duped.

If you couldn't afford your bills before he moved in, and racking up credit card debt, you were living beyond your means.

If he offered rent to you, and you refused it, fair enough, but that money is still in the system somewhere, why are you struggling as a couple if he's got a few hundred quid a month for rent payments sloshing around? He will have the equity out of the family home as soon as the DC hit 18.

None of this makes practical sense.

You're pissed off with her, but you need to get your own house in order before you look elsewhere. Leave her out of it. You've made your own decisions, as has he, and maybe they're not so great and need examination before you start farming out the anger towards her, and reading post that's not yours to read.

In any case, one day, she won't be entitled to UC much, will have to find a way to pay your DP or sell, rent and live off the proceed. Little or no work pension, no more maintenance.

Why are you so bitter of her choices?

yeah - why is he living there for "free" - he should be paying "rent"

They agreed via solicitor negotiations then it got rubber stamped by the court. The court will only disagree and look into it if you cant agree and have a hearing. I did try to convince him to sell but he wouldn't and thought he was doing the best for his DC. At the time yes, he was spineless. I gave him an ultimatum about our relationship and his spinelessness with his ex and boundaries. Ive shown him since he can be otherwise and hes got much better

I don't think his ex is pitiable at all. I think she did what MN encourages women to do - she ensured she wasn't left in poverty, post- divorce.
I also think her ex is being a good father in ensuring his children are well provided for.

Conversely, he's not the best man for the OP. She's taken him from his parents, under the most ridiculously unsuitable financial arrangement. He already had expenses, she was already struggling; and she's taken on a man that hasn't a lot to offer/hasn't offered a lot.

This may be her doing or it may be his. MN is awash with women falling over themselves to prove their generosity and self-sufficiency to men with ex-wives and children they are financially responsible for. These women give no sensible thought to the impact this has on their finances; then blame the ex for their struggles. All while Mr pays a small amount of bills and is soon to come into money from the property his ex currently inhabits. Who knows, given his cushy set up at OP's, he may decide to leave the house /his share is to be protected for his children's inheritance.

He can be a good man for his ex and children, but a liability for the OP.

Could you tell me a bit more about the timeline on your relationship vs the end of theirs? Could it possibly be guilt that made him be "duped"?

You seem to have been slightly over involved in their divorce negotiations.

So you are better off now he is paying half of the household bills - as he is paying towards your children's gas / electricity / water etc. usage.
and food ?!!!
This.
OP why do you even talk to her when you dislike her so much, she’s probably enjoys watching you squirm when she gets off comments.
Where is the father of you children? Is he contributing too?

Id be happy to have them full time. They're lovely kids but they go to school over an hour from us so not feasible at the moment

Yes but they’re her costs, she will be saving on half the bills and probably food etc, so will be marginally better off. Half my bills would is about £200pm. My reply was to someone implying him being there would increase her costs, which I doubt very much.

But regardless he’s not paying towards the mortgage because she’s making an informed financial decision. It’s not because he’s paying child support. What his ex has is completely irrelevant to OP. She would be in the exact same position because she doesn’t want him paying towards her mortgage and she still has her own and her children’s costs to cover.

Or maybe he is a nice man who didn’t want his child renting a cheap place with no security, separations are hard enough on a child without losing their home too.
He needs to move back to his parents house, stuck between the stove and a fire.

Or she might have enough equity to buy herself a small property and the children’s father will be expected to house the DC if they haven’t left home. I have seen this several times.

Also OP, you need to look at the exact wording of the Mesher Order so you know what percentage of the equity DP will receive, and when the house sale will commence.

Mine said “when the youngest completes full time education “ which meant completion of level 3. As youngest did an Art Diploma after A levels because they wanted to get into CSM, that delayed the sale and the ending of maintenance payments for another year. They continue until the end of August after the primary date.

A couple of friends had MOs which included maintenance until DC completed higher education and house was not sold until they completed this. So an additional 3/4 years.

I think you need to be making a fully informed decision here.

I bet you would. You could zap that CM, convince him to sell the house and have more money in your household - all that advice he wouldn't heed before.

Exactly this

PP was talking about you having them full time when they’re over 18.

As an ex stepparent, I have to admit, that possibility crossed my mind quite late. My ex SC are also lovely kids but have no respect for education or hard work, due to their upbringing. They’re likely to be dependent well into their adulthood.

Perfect. Who gives a shit about the kids' wellbeing by staying with the parent who is their primary carer.

This

You have misunderstood. We mean once the house is sold. No maintenance payable. Them living with you as young adults.

My husbands ex did this kind of thing when we first got together, luckily she tripped herself up really quicky and any extras was stopped.

She used to say things like she couldn't afford her electricity bill so will have to move in with her mum but that night she was clubbing as she put pictures on social media.

She couldn't afford to feed their daughter but yet again she was out on an evening.

Stop paying anything extra. Not a penny over what he needs to pay.