AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

[TwinklySeal]

My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

Buy yourself a reborn doll and tell your mother that's the nearest she's getting to grandchildren from you. Let her know she can babysit, have alone time and overnights whenever she wants.

Older generations seem to get upset at the decisions of younger generations they also seem to think that the younger generations owes them something.

Why can’t we all just make our own decisions and live our lives the way we want. We aren’t hurting anyone. The next generation after me will make different choices and that too is okay.

I think I can see it from both sides.
I was like you certain I didn't want children, never a hint of maternal instinct, didn't much like children. I was with DH almost 20 years and my mum never let up about it. It didn't help that my sister also didn't show any inclination to have children. Mum did eventually give up talking about it and seemed to accept it, then (unrelated) I eventually decided to have a baby at 39.

The big difference is that you had an abortion at 35. If a pregnancy at 35 didn't change your view then I am certain you're making the right decision.

Fwiw my kids don't look like having children. As an older mother I would also be an older grandmother. One of my DCs partner is a doctor and I struggle to see how they could manage to live the life they enjoy, keep their careers and have children.

I think the comment: "Well then, what's the point of life?" shows the biggest lack of imagination and awareness of the differences between people. Did she ever have a career? I'm quite shocked by the comment actually.

I assume OP's mother is intelligent enough to understand her daughter's choice not to have children. So it's naturally confusing why she would keep bringing it up.

No-one, no-one is saying you should have children; that's it's wrong not to want children.
I just am struck by your seeming inability to see her POV at all. If you can stop feeling defensive and acknowledge her feelings perhaps she'll stop. You say you have empathy but I don't think you do, understandably - empathy depends upon sharing feelings and experiences. You could try for sympathy though

You seemed to be deliberately obtuse about your mother's disappointment. While you are entitled to be child free you must see that a mother with four children would be disappointment not to have grandchildren, especially as her friends probably all have them. Yes it is not a right, but anyone can see why she feels the way she does.

You seem rather lacking in empathy.

I don’t know if I’m not expressing myself right or you’re not understanding. So you have a a preference on how your retirement looks like, you see plenty of travel etc. so what happens if your husband (touches wood) become to ill or vulnerable and then can’t travel. I’m sure you’d be ok with that and would either sacrifice your dream or go with someone else or alone. That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be disappointed. She’s had 4 children. The odds of non wanting kids is not the norm. She had a dream of what her life would look like in the exact same way you envision your own life, you aren’t throwing in all the what ifs and buts when you fantasise your life in 10yrs. You do lack empathy Because you sent her a photo of yourself holding a baby, which you could have just sent a picture of the baby with its mom or lying in a mosses basket. empathy doesn’t mean facilitation of your mom’s behaviour but it holds sympathy for her feelings. Which you don’t seem to comprehend. You feel resentful of the guilt trip, yes I get it. But maybe looking at why she feels that way may make you explaining it a whole lot more impactful. Saying mom I know it’s really upsetting but I’m not having children & that’s final.

Stop saying it's expected as your duty. No one is fucking saying that!

Your mum had kids.
She clearly gave them great opportunities and it sounds like you all had/have great lives.

Your mum didn't have kids thinking she would get grandchildren. When she decided to have kids it's about her own choices over 40 years ago. It wasn't about what those children might do in the future. You are entitled to make your choice as she was. And you have and you are happy with it.

Her her whole life will have been similar to friends, family, neighbours, etc babies walking, kids going to school, kids going to uni, adult DC getting married or buying a home. Those same people will be getting grandchildren. It's not unusual for her to expect one of your own kids will have kids at some point

It's wrong that she goes on at you about it especially as you have told her kids are not in your future.

You are both like a broken record. Just stop

I think perhaps it shows she has given up a bit on her own life. not OP's responsibility, but very sad.

When any of us look to the future we imagine how it might be, particularly in our later years when most things in life are behind us.

Having had four children, I'm sure your mother imagined at least a couple of grandchildren by now that she could help nurture. Of course you don't owe her the future she imagined but I can understand how she might feel. Certainly she should not have voiced her wishes to you or repeated them when it was made clear you did not intend to have a child.

Whilst travelling is something you and your father enjoy, it doesn't give your mother the same satisfaction. You can't understand this any more than your mother can understand a life without children and grandchildren.

I'd be inclined to tell her that her repeated comments and questions about grandchildren are driving a wedge between you and that if she continues to bring them up she will be alienating you.

Because her POV is unreasonable. What can the OP realistically do here? The DM wants her to have a child, she doesn’t want to have one. The only thing that will make the DM not disappointed is if the OP has a child. That won’t happen. The only thing she can do is keep being firm about it and tell the DM not to bring it up.

Tell her honestly that it’s absolutely definite that you will not be having any children, and that the way she keeps going on about it is making you dread seeing or talking to her, and putting you off seeing/talking to her as often as you do. I’m sure she won’t want that.

She doesn't have to do anything except acknowledge the feelings. Even if only to herself.

She needs to get a life, I know people with children, grand-children and great-grand-children who get next to zero visits and spend most of their time on their own, she is dreaming if she thinks you have some sort of responsibility to secure her future happiness.

I feel for you @TwinklySeal and I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I have a child and it's been hard work. Lovely times, but tough times too and it doesnt end when they become adults. If you have chosen not to and have a rich life then that is great.
She has no right to question you and expect a grandchild.

Perhaps, assuming you want to have a relationship with her, you could sit with her and explain very clearly that it's not going to happen. Not sure what others think - but maybe you could even say you're unable to have children and constantly talking about it upsets you and ask her not to keep bringing up comments as you love your happy life and are reconciled to it.

either way, you are not in the wrong and she is selfish to go on about it.

I don't think I'm being deliberately obtuse at all. I completely understand why she's ‘disappointed’. She entitled to her feelings, just as I'm entitled to mine.

What I don't accept is the idea that I somehow owe her grandchildren to prevent that disappointment. I don't.

None of my siblings owe her children either. They all decided not to have children, that is their choice too. Becoming a parent doesn't create an obligation for your children to become parents themselves.

Her friends having grandchildren isn't something I can or should base one of the biggest decisions of my life on. What has that got to do with me. Having a child to fulfil someone else's expectations would be far more lacking in empathy towards that hypothetical child.

I have empathy for my mum but empathy doesn't mean changing a fundamental life decision that affects me and my partner every single day for the rest of our lives. I can understand her disappointment while still maintaining that my reproductive choices are not there to make someone else happy. I believe they are my reproductive choices.

Having just been in Morrisons I wish more people had decided not to have children too, especially the ones who seem to confuse a supermarket with a playground.

The Op's dm doesn't have any gc and obviously thought she would. I would have felt sad if none of my 4dc had decided to have dc but I'd have never let on as it is their decision not mine.

Not having kids does not make you any of a lesser person in this life.
Stick to your guns OP, you don't want kids and that's your decision and right for you and your h.
Your mum just has to get over it.

I am nearly 60. I would love to have grandchildren, but as I had my children late in life, I am not sure that I will be around to really enjoy them.
In some ways I feel sad that I waited so long to be a parent, but I have come to terms with this.

Your mum is struggling as none of her four children have had children. You don’t mention your dad (that I have seen). I loved my role as a full time mum and I would love to help with grand children. So I do get her yearning for this role.

I wonder if your mum needs outside counselling to come to terms with the fact she won’t be a grandparent? In the same way that a woman could have counselling if they could never become a mother.

I also think that you need to have an honest conversation saying how much she is actually upsetting you by constantly talking about this.

I feel for you both.

I have acknowledged her feelings previously but she chose to ignore that pasty and keeps bringing up children to us. We do not want children, we don’t have the money for children nor do we have emotional capacity for them as well as that who will look after those children I’m sure it won’t be my mother therefore who will pay for the nursery fees etc. Why would I actively choose to do something I know for a fact I would be terrible at just for the sake of giving grandchildren.

I don’t think you will understand when you are her age because you have a completely different attitude to how you see being a mother, family etc. For her bringing up four successful children has been the main focus of her life. It sounds like she loved it and wanted to relive some of the experience. Your priorities are completely different and I don’t think you will regret your decision not to have children. I think you will be happy and fulfilled in later life.

Yanbu but she is. Yes you tell her. I know someone else that had to do this. They told their mother they wouldn't be able to visit if they didn't stop going on.
What on earth do some parents think they are doing hassling their children like this.

I have 4 children.

j have loved having children in my house.

i cannot wait to be a grandma. I hope I get at least 10 grandchildren.

i imagine my life in the future and all the things that we will do together.

None of my children are forced to have children but I would be devastated if none of them did. I can’t imagine having 4 children and no grandchildren.

surely that’s not too hard to understand?