AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

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My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

Anyway I’d have told your mum you’re infertile. That would shut her up. You shouldn’t have to but it’s the way for an easy life imo.

No don't do this. She will probably start offering to pay for IVF.

I definitely understand that.

It’s just odd to me trying to put myself in her shoes. Why did she think she was going to have grandchildren ? Why would she think that instead of living and enjoying her life. We have done well because of her , that should be enough she should not expect things from us let alone children. I love my mother and will always love her till the end I will take care of her but it’s sad that she thought about i
her life in a way where we as her children have to give her grandchildren. She should have just focused on herself and her life and what she wants out of life other than being a grandma. It’s not the end of the world that 4 kids decided not to have children. I have an aunt and uncle who’s kids decided not to have children and they’re always out and about they went all around South America have visited over 80 countries have so much freedom. Why not enjoy that freedom. Learn a skill. I know for a fact she wouldn’t be able to babysit children if we had children.

You certainly don’t owe her children and I think it’s unfair for her to make you feel guilty or responsible for her happiness. I agree that some people simply don’t make good parents and we should all be happy when those people ensure that they don’t have children because that would be sad for all involved.
That said, it is statistically unlikely that of 4 offspring none would go on to have children - she probably thought she was safe to assume at least one of you would have a baby. Nothing is guaranteed and she shouldn’t be putting it on you, but I imagine she is suddenly realising that the golden years she envisioned with a houseful of grandchildren she could spoil are you going to happen and that is making her feel sad.
Perhaps she could get involved in something like Girl Guiding or other child centred volunteer opportunities. Honestly, I have two sons and you wouldn’t believe the number of older women who approach me in shops to interact with them, esp the baby. Like moths to a flame!!
I would just say “look mum, I can see that this is disappointing but this is categorically not happening with us, we don’t want children, are actively avoiding it even, and it’s putting a dampener on our visits when you allude to it. Maybe you should get a puppy to care for. Please let’s move on.”

Perhaps when you are her age you will understand.
I am surprised you have no sympathy at all, when what your mum is facing (no grand children, from 4 children ) is pretty unusual. Can you acknowledge at all that she might view children differently from you? So I am wondering whether you are just generally pissed off with her and perhaps have been for a long time?

The OP does recognise that the mum is disappointed - it's in her first post. But what more should she do? It doesn't matter how disappointed someone is - it doesn't excuse what the mum is doing. Should the OP put up with this behaviour because she knows the mum is disappointed? Should she berate herself for disappointing her mum? Should she try to make it up to her in some way?

YADeffNBU
This is ridiculous of her.
Does she give your siblings the same grief?

When I read points of view like this I’m always relieved for the person that they have a very clear view of what they want.

I've experienced years of infertility. About 15 years. Male infertility - exDH, then because I was old to be a first time mum, it took years for DH2 and I to conceive.

I felt and feel (am an older mother and feel for my DC) pretty selfish for having this overwhelming biological urge to be a mother.

I don’t be begrudge you, but I just wish I could have felt the way you feel.

FWIW I think your mum is projecting and selfishly wants to be able to show her friends photos of YOU meeting a so-called life goal.

You know your own mind and that’s great.

x

She has spent a lot of time raising children. She probably enjoys playing with kids and teaching them things. She probably saw herself taking them to the park, choosing Christmas presents, reading stories etc etc, perhaps reliving in a diluted form your early years. You aren’t responsible that she won’t be able to fulfil that fantasy but can you really not see why she might be disappointed about it .
I don’t think it’s about controlling you, although asking intrusive questions about your sex life would immediately warrant a sharp response.
As a mature fully qualified doctor and paediatrician you aren’t showing much capacity to understand her perspective and motivation as annoying as her behaviour is.

I understand I just don’t see why it’s our responsibility. Tons of children need fostering, tons of places need volunteers. I am not pissed off with my mum I just think I’m allowed to make my own choices with what I would like my life to look like surely it’s my decision it shouldn’t be based on how my mother feels about children. We can have different views on children and there’s so many ways she can give back if she’d like to.

You and your mother share an inability to see the situation from each others perspective.

I'm not saying you should have children, I'm saying that you lack the ability to empathise with a woman who had 4 children & wrongly assumed that at least one of them would have kids & as a result feels sad about it.

She lacks the ability to empathise with your perspective by accepting that this is a decision based in your wants and needs to the exclusion of her wants and needs.

She judges you for not having kids, you judge her for the way she lives her life.

Acceptance is the way forward.

Can you accept that she feels sad about this?
Would you have empathy for a women who couldn't have children but wanted to? So why is it hard to have empathy for a woman who wanted to be a grandmother but wont be?

Tell her your partner had a vasectomy.

That will shut her up.

You've set a boundary, she doesn't need to be happy about it or understand your decision but she does need to accept it.
It wasn't harsh at all, you were simply honest and completely reasonable.

Just make sure you enforce it now. Every time she brings it up just state that you're not entering into the conversation and leave or hang up the phone. Once she learns there is a consequence, she will probably stop doing it. Ironically, much like parenting, consistency is key though.

Why would she 'understand' when she is older? Do you not think that is patronising, suggesting that she doesn't know her own mind?
Fine, you are gutted that your kids didn't have their own kids/didn't marry a millionaire/didn't become a lawyer/didn't go to Oxbridge. So fucking what? They are their own people and you have zero right to expect them to organise their lives in such a way so as to make you feel better or to give meaning to your own life (and the world is FULL of people who live through their kids). You shut up about your disappointment and realise that fundamentally, you are being unreasonable and you never ever start haranguing or guilt-tripping your kids for disappointing you.

No she shouldn’t do any of those things and she should tell her Mum to stop bringing it up but in a few posts she says she can’t understand her mother’s disappointment or relate to it.

Because being a grandmother is dependent on another person (ie your child) making certain life choices. It is not something within your personal control, like being a mother.

I can see why you are upset and I do think she ought to stop talking to you about it. It would drive me mad if I had made that decision and my mother didn’t respect that decision.
However my parents get great joy from spending time with my children and I’m sure she sees her friends having a wonderful time with their grandchildren.
The love you feel for your child is nothing like anything else and I can also see why she would be disappointed that you would not get to experience that.
I would be disappointed if my children did not go onto have children but I would not put pressure on them to do so or make them feel guilty for making that choice.
Her feelings are completely natural, however, how she is expressing them to you is not kind. But as you seem to have no empathy for her feelings perhaps you have inherited that from her?

Dm is the opposite of yours - she had 2 dc because it was expected and says she would have aborted if she'd had another pregnancy. She feels very strongly that having dc held her back career wise, though she always worked full time. My late db never married or had dc but whenever I told her I was expecting her response was some people will do anything not to work or she'd have killed herself!! Anyway I have 4d, dd1 is a doctor in her mid 30s married to another doctor and expecting dc2. Dm, even yesterday was saying how much it was affecting dd1's career having dc. Dd2 has 2dc and dm thinks it's great they have been in nursery since they were very young so dd2's career is unaffected.

I’m just confused as to why she assumed that by having children she will get grandchildren. There’s lots of children in our family she doesn’t bother with them she’s surrounded by so much why can’t we make our own decision on what we would like our lives to look like. I’ve never looked at someone else and made an assumption on what my life should look like because of them. I think in this case maybe she should have thought about having children a bit more.

It’s not that I don’t have empathy I’m just confused why she thought she would be a grandma and why that’s our duty to offer her that experience when there’s lots of things she could be doing. The ship has sailed she should accept it and move on its not the end of the world there’s lots of children needing a home if she desperately wants that opportunity she could foster, volunteer in homes etc. She is healthy, retired and wealthy she can do absolutely anything.

I think that when people have children, they should remind themselves that these are not status symbols or emotional support animals or objects there to allow them to fulfil their dream (or who will go on to fulfil the parent's own failed dream). They are people and like all people, they have the right to determine how they live their lives. A truly unselfish person would realise that and would allow their child to pursue whatever path in life they wanted and be proud of them. But many people who have children are anything but unselfish.

Next time she asks just tell her "I've already told you that we do not want children, you have grandchildren already. Stop pushing your ideals onto me, this is not ok.".

My absolute lunatic of a mum saw her siblings all being grandparents earlier as she was the youngest and waited longer to marry. Cue many conversations with me, who is not the oldest child, but is the first daughter about her lack of grandchildren when I was single in my 20s. One time she told me that it would be ok for me to get pregnant with a stranger, she would help raise the child. I think the "wanting more babies" stage in grandparent years makes them somewhat crazy to be honest. Strongly suggest that your mum gets a pet or a hobby and stops bothering you.

I don’t think it’s that deep. Older generations get a bit miffed when the generations after them make different choices, that’s all.

It is disappointing not to have any grandchildren. But you've decided not to have children and that's that. She really shouldn't keep going on about it.

Sorry for the typo

I am slightly confused at the people who say I will understand her when I’m her age. First of all I won’t have children therefore why would grandchildren ever cross my mind. I don’t want any offspring I am content with that I like to think I know myself. I would rather regret not having children than regret having children. I think everyone should be able to make a choice about how they want their lives to be. Maybe I’ll regret not having children but then I’ll just get over it. I’ve spent time babysitting my nieces and nephews I don’t know how to be a mother I’ll never know and I know It’s not my calling based on these experiences and I am aware having your own child is different but I can be certain I do not want children. I like being an aunt it’s fun. I don’t want that sort of responsibility maybe that’s selfish but it’s better than bringing a child into a world where I would not be able to give them what they need. Also if I did have children I don’t think when I’m my mothers age I’ll ever think that I ‘deserve’ to have grandchildren because I have children. I don’t understand that type of thinking.

She assumed that because the vast majority of people who can have children, do have children. It would be very unusual for someone to have four children but no grandchildren.

Is it really such a hard concept for a doctor to wrap their head around?

You seem to spend a lot of time 'confused'. You're a smart woman, so I'm not sure why that is.