AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

[TwinklySeal]

My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

By not having children you are indirectly criticizing her choice to have them. There is nothing confusing about why she is so upset over it - it makes her feel bad. Like if you had a vegan friend watching you eat a nice juicy burger. She probably lacks the self awareness to deal with her emotions so acts them out.

There seems to be a lot of repressed rage underlying the conversations between you two, also it is not appropriate for her to ask about your sex life. Search for daughters of narcissistic mothers.

If the OP does wake up one day and realise she does want a child (which sounds unlikely to me) that’s not her mother’s problem. She needs to accept her daughter’s decision and respect it.

And re this

When a couple say they dont want children, it’s often the case that it’s the choice of one, and other goes along with it consciously or otherwise. Very often, the second person regrets it. If it’s a man, they leave.

It’s often equally the case that the woman wants children and the man goes along with it.

I'm actually dyslexic if that answers part of your question. Sometimes I don't express myself as clearly in writing as I do in person but I don't think that's the same thing as not understanding other people's perspectives.

I do understand what people have said. I understand why my mum is disappointed. I understand why some people think having children gives life meaning. I understand why others think I'll regret my decision. At the end of the day it is simply my life and I believe I get to decide what to do with my own life.

Understanding a perspective isn't the same as agreeing with it.

Ultimately,I just think I get to make the choice about what I do with my life and my body, not anyone else. My mum was free to decide to have four children because that's the life she wanted. I'm equally free to decide not to have any because that's the life I want.

People seem to be interpreting the fact that I haven't changed my mind as evidence that I haven't listened. I have listened. I've simply reached a different conclusion. That's not a lack of empathy it's having different values and making a different life choice.

I was understanding to my mother at the start of all of this but now it’s getting boring. All her children are over the age of 35 I do not think any of my siblings will be having children with their partners anytime soon so it’s just one of those things my mother has to accept. We aren’t an extension of her at all and never will be. We are our own people who can make our own decisions that’s the good thing about life. You get choices and you choose based on what you feel comfortable doing, for my partner and I we do not feel comfortable having children, we can barely look after ourselves ahaha why would we subject an innocent child into our chaotic life.

What is she like with your siblings.

Ask if it’s ever occurred to her that you can’t have any and how spiteful she would be to keep mentioning. I’m not saying you should lie to her just sow a seed. You shouldn’t have to but it might shut her up.

Same quite pushy in regards to having children. I’ve been a lot nicer to her about it compared to them

You could always try a blunt answer of…”how many other people do you ask whether they’ve having unprotected sex or not?”

That’s essentially what people are asking when they ask you about having children.

Made me laugh actually, ‘love’!

OP you do not have to explain or justify your decisions to MN or anywhere else.

"Ultimately,I just think I get to make the choice about what I do with my life and my body, not anyone else. My mum was free to decide to have four children because that's the life she wanted. I'm equally free to decide not to have any because that's the life I want."

this is the whole beginning and end of your choice and that is really really fine.

But you are hurting someone, your mum is hurt she will never be a grandma. I don’t think that means you owe her grand children, and I acknowledge that you aren’t not having children AT her but she is hurt none the less.

i actually completely agree with you; people shouldn’t have children that they can’t care for, it’s a very big commitment! I also agree that you don’t owe anyone any children/grandchildren, but equally I can understand that your mum is sad. I think I can understand that she might wonder if her grandchildren look like her/her husband, will they have any family traits ect. Grand-parenting is a lot of the best bits of parenting and hardly any of the hard work/ hard bits of parenting so i can see why she would want that. I don’t think anything anyone says here will change your mind so I will leave you with some ways to deal with your mum.

if you are on the phone and she goes on about it you can say something like “we’ve talked about this mum it’s not for husband and I. I’m going to end the conversation now, and in the future since I’ve made our stance clear I’m going to hang up or leave everytime you bring it up. Love you bye” then you hang up, or you grab your coat and go home. Good luck!

spelling edit

Great question for mumsnet 😁. Please ask on Reddit too OP @TwinklySeal I’d bet you’d get some different responses.

Well, selfish gene aside, we as humans have developed intellect and imagination and abstract thought so can rise above the thoughtless biology of animals which have a lesser evolved brain and consciousness. And aren’t we all luckier for that?

I would say in response to a ‘what is the point of life’, then what is the point of having a child ? so they grow up safely, are educated, get a job, meet someone, buy a house and then….. have a child so they grow up safely, are educated, get a job, meet someone, buy a house and then…..have a child so they grow up safely, are educated, get a job, meet someone, buy a house and then….. have a child so they grow up safely, are educated, get a job, meet someone, buy a house and then….. Am I the only one who gets skeeved out by that idea?

Somewhere in there, in that relentless propagation, does live the question what is it all for, but I’m not sure mindless producing kids is it. That’s our selfish genes talking and driving biology. We - thankfully- can rise above that.

You and your DP are doing something amazing with your lives, it’s very very small minded of your mum not to recognise that, but I do. And I bet you touch the lives of so many people because of how you’ve decided to live your lives. I for one say thank you both for that.

So, reading between the lines here, despite their hostility to her questioning them on the subject she still does it? There may not be anything effective you can do short of going NC, in that case.

If you’re about to turn 40 your mum is probably at an age where most if not all of her friends have grandchildren and talk about them a lot. It’s not the same as wanting your own children but not being able to as you’ve got no choice or control or rights at all in the matter as a wannabe grandparent, but there are parallels and it must be difficult. You say you are “confused” as to how she could have possibly thought she would have grandchildren but for most people with 4 kids, you’d expect they would end up with at least a couple.
For all her faults, my mum never pressured or even asked any of us about grandchildren and never made it about her. But she told me once that from the moment her first grandchild was born, time stood still for her and she was happy in a way she hadn’t experienced before. I think she found having her own children stressful (she also had 4). I have a daughter now and I love the bond she has with her grandma.
i won’t ever expect or pressure my daughter into having her own children but i hope i get the opportunity to be a grandma one day. I would be really sad if it never happened. Of course that’s not my daughter’s problem but it doesn’t change how I’d feel.

No, she is not hurting anyone. Thats like saying I am hurting my mum by being overweight because she would prefer a thin daughter (true story). Her feeling hurt doesn’t mean the OP is hurting her.

I’d have a proper discussion and explain that you’re sorry she’s disappointed but it’s your life not hers and you are both happy without children. If she can’t respect that then she needs to get a grip and accept she won’t see you!

Dd1 is 35 this year and she went to an all girls school. She is the only one out of her group of friends who has dc. She is a gynaecologist and 35 is not really seen as being an older mother any more. I went to university and dm constantly tells me how I wasted my life and my education having 4dc. A lot of women are making the same choice as the OP nowadays and it is good they are able to choose.

Are you sure you don’t want a child OP ? there are so many posts on here explaining why you don’t it’s a bit like she doth protest too much ;) just kidding but still it’s like you are rolling out the arguments over and over again to convince yourself. Even money is an issue which is hard to believe for two doctors Your mum will lay off soon , you’ll be past 40 . Be patient and give her some grace.

You’re right OP, your Mum should not pester you to have children, or enquire about your sex life - your life is your own.

You’ve said at some points you can’t afford children - you and your DH are doctors presumably earning a high salary. Many people not on your career level seem to afford them somehow, so I’m not sure that’s a valid reason (not that you need one). Sometimes children just come along unplanned so it’s not always possible to budget…not ideal but as you’re a paediatrician you must see families where this is the case….maybe that has helped to deter you?

As the mother of adult children who don’t have children (…and may never have), I can empathise with your Mum, so please cut her some slack. Her life dreams haven’t been realised. I’m not defending her behaviour though, and I have never said or implied to my kids that they should want to have a family. We’re all different. Enjoy your amazing child-free life.

I've been in your position.

When we said we enjoyed our life as it was, and didn't intend to have children my Mum was very upset.

I found it really difficult to accept that it had anything to do with her. I think she envisioned being a doting Grandma, and couldn't understand that it just wasn't something we wanted.

It's not something I regret. It was the right decision for us.

Eventually, Mum got sick of mentioning it, or maybe just realised that it wasn't happening.

Not very nice of her to say you wasted your life though

I'm sorry your Mum makes you feels this way - my friend does this to her dd too - I have spoken so many times to my friend to try and get her to stop but she just doesn't seem able and it has really had a negative impact - the baby thing has just started too and I despair.

Of course you have the right to choose or decide. I understand your frustration/impatience with your Mother’s repeated enquiries, it must be tiring to continually cover old ground. Yes she is not hearing you, hoping for news she obviously longs for.

She might also be surrounded by friends, relations, who are sharing news of their grandchildren, this is a discussion she is unable to fully take a part in, a way she may possibly be grieving a loss.

Should she by now, after repeated conversations between you on this subject, let it go…absolutely yes! But she’s still your Mum, be patient.

My dm only had dc because it was expected and was never very maternal. She also doesn't really approve of her dgds having dc as it affects their careers (I have 3 almost 4gc).

Only a very few posters are suggesting that you might feel differently if you had a child, the vast majority agree that it’s entirely your own choice.
Reading through your posts it does read like both you and your mother have difficulty understanding each other’s perspective.
Having children was central to your mother’s life, she can’t seem to understand that you are happy without children and don’t want them. She is in the wrong for going on about it.
Some of your posts though sound more like a teenager than a mature professional person. “She can’t control me, it’s my decision, she can’t tell me what to do” etc. and you show a complete lack of empathy about what she’s finding difficult, sometimes possibly misreading her underlying feelings.
If it was an infertility problem I could understand you getting upset but in the case of choosing not to have a child I’m not sure why it bothers you so much.
Can’t you just say “Mum, this is getting on my nerves now, you know we’re happy as we are”. Very few people have said that your Mum’s disappointment is your responsibility to fix but you keep coming back and saying “Why is this my responsibility?”
Some posters have put very uncharitable interpretations on your Mum’s motives, talking about “bragging rights “ and shame in front of her friends.
I just see someone who had motherhood at the centre of her identity and is gutted not to have grandchildren but I don’t think that’s your responsibility to fix.
For what it’s worth I do not think you will regret your decision in the future.

I had this for 10 years from one relative. In the end I just said very snappily I couldn't have children. She got very flustered and never mentioned it again.

It was untrue (i presume, never tried) and perhaps cruel but I dont have much sympathy for her and it worked instantly. Apparantly she also gossiped about it to the rest of his family because they all shut up both about it and about me really not engaging with family children. Absolute bliss!