AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

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My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

You’d understand if you had children. It’s not that strange.
All parents have hopes and dreams for their children in terms of what we think their happy, fulfilled lives would look like. It’s natural to worry when children deviate from ‘healthy’ societal norms.
Hopefully she will stop asking you now.

This sort of post just illustrates how some people just do not get it.
THEY DO NOT WANT CHILDREN. No they won’t magically fall in love with parenting just because it’s their child. And nor do so many parents who do have kids. Do you know how many dads literally walk out on their families because they don’t want to parent? Or make every excuse not to parent. Lots of mums are at utter breaking point and their lives are objectively miserable, especially those with SEND children. I did some work in a specialist SEND school a long time ago and several of the parents spoke of suicidal thoughts. And these are people who WANTED to have children. The OP and her DP do not.

And you assume the mum will provide childcare when the OP has literally said she will not do this. She ignores and is irritated by children. But you chose to ignore that and replace it with your own narrative where the OP will love being a mum, her mum is just being loving and supportive and her mum will provide endless childcare support. Why do you do this? Why isn’t it enough for you to have your own kids without having a view on what other people do?

You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that you are not having children. My son and his wife have excellent careers and have decided that children are not for them. My daughter, who I never thought would have children has a son whom I adore, as does she, and my son dotes on him too. Whatever my children decided was up to them not me and I have fully supported their decisions. Stand up to her, it’s your life, not hers.

if you love someone, you don't nag them.

Maybe I’m just not primal I’ve never thought about that and I’m not really that bothered if there’s no traces left of me on earth. Why does it matter. Maybe my mother is more primal than I am but I’m not in circles where people care about this. Lots of my friends have opted to not have children none of us have ever mentioned anything about what will be left us. We simply aren’t bothered how does it affect me what’s left when I’m gone.

Nah it’s just called being controlling and seeing your kids as a reflection of your own status and caring more about that than their happiness. Not all parents are like that, as many have said on here.

why would ANYONE care about passing on their genetics? I mean thats barmy....what makes one person't genes so massively important?

Touch a nerve did it love

I guess I’ll never understand. Hopefully she gets over it and enjoyed the relationship she had with her 4 living children instead of worrying about our choices. Our choices are our choices. Mothers should want their children to be happy regardless of what choices they make within reason. I’m not advocating for her to support me in committing crime or anything of that sort but I am happy, I have a wonderful partner, we enjoy the lives we’ve chosen, we try to be good people, my day to day working life consists of me helping paying day in and day out, night shift, day shift, in fact I am helping children constantly, we are healthy and respect other people’s choices.

At a point she needs to just get over it. All her children are over the age of 35 it is not going to happen and if she is sad about it. I am sorry but also it’s not my responsibility nor is it my siblings responsibility to alter our lives. A child isn’t something you just bring into the world without thinking about things. We’ve thought about it whether this is the type of world we would like to raise children and it’s not, amongst other things. My mother is surrounded by so much love, there’s young children in the family I’m talking ages 1 -3 she can choose to bond with them instead she refuses I understand they’re not her grandchildren but they do see her as a grandma yet she doesn’t want much to do with them. Her longing for grandchildren is just a facade, we’ve told her our reasons yet day in day out she refuses to respect our choice. If we had children she wouldn’t respect their choices either. She doesn’t want to be a true grandma she just wants an extension of herself. Anyway she is healthy she can choose to foster and see how that goes if not she can also go volunteer in children’s homes. There’s lots of children who need parental/just family figures in general. She can do that , yet she chooses not to, she’s retired she has the time. It tells me everything I need to know. I don’t personally for me see any point in having children when there’s already lots without family as in thousands and thousands of kids.

I did eventually have children but DM and MIL were a nightmare from my mid 20s onwards. In the end I told them I'd had miscarriage after miscarriage (actually only 3) and that it was too distressing for me to continue the conversation. Might be a way to shut her up?

I'm not saying that at all, I'm simply saying that, culturally, and historically, the modern western perspective on this kind of thing is the anomoly. Outside of the modern West, OPs Mum would not be considered unreasonable.

It's almost bullying.
‘Mum, we can’t continue like this, you either respect my decision not to have dc and stop bringing it up as a stick to beat me with, or I will have to reduce how much time I spend with you because it’s really disrespectful and getting me down’

I would also signpost her to have counselling.

I have seen SO MANY posts on here of women saying they regret having children. I’m not saying all women regret it but I know myself enough to know I would be one of those women. I feel a lot of empathy for them. I simply do not have the capacity to have children and that is okay I am able to make that choice and live with that choice. If I can have an abortion at 35 I think I know what I want. Maybe I’ll change my mind at 45 and tough luck I have to live with the choices I have made. I won’t blame anyone as it is my choice and I’m glad I live in a country and an era where woman can choose to regret not having children. There’s been a comment about individualist western culture…. I’m not one to comment much on other cultures but the “non individualist cultures” the women never really have much freedom and for that I am happy and proud to live within an “individualist western culture” where you can have the option of simply making a choice whether or not that choice is right it’s just the fact that anyone can make a choice.

I think there's something in this - I suspect people keep asking her and she feels like she's failed in someway - her kids deciding not to have kids reflects badly on her but it isn't a good reason to have kids.

Often women in non western cultures who are less likely to be individualist do not have many choices, not much choice to pursue education etc. I’d rather live in an individualistic culture. I’m a paediatrician in the nhs I see women everyday who have clearly had children due to family and cultural pressures, they have no ‘maternal’ instinct from the outside looking in it just seems as though they didn’t have much choice. I do not know the ins and outs of every single mother I have seen but there’s been certain comments and I feel sad for those women.

I have also had experience in obstetrics and gynae trust me I have met women who had children for the sake of it. I much prefer the ‘individualistic’ western culture you speak of. I am glad I was born at the time I was, I am glad I can make a choice.

Interesting responses from a woman who would be as educated and intelligent as one engaged in your line of work must be, op…you’re not understanding what people were saying. Are you neurodivergent? Your way of thinking is very fixed and your lack of perspective taking and empathy is startling.

I am sorry about your experience by why lie?

This. I was brought up by a mother who hadn’t wanted children but did so because she was a product of her age ( I was born in 1958).
I had three children who I adore and brought them upon my own due to a bad choice of partner. They are happy and fulfilled and as yet haven’t had children. Two have said they don’t want them. However I have many other “boomers” questioning me about not being a grandparent and stating quite confidently that I must be desperate. I am not. I lead a happy and fulfilling life as a retired single woman.
I think it’s an age/ cultural thing harking back to the days in which people were expected to reproduce for the workforce of the nation. Try to ignore it, but if it continues you must tell her straight to pack it in. You and your partner sound as though you are contributing greatly to society through your hard earned careers
Wishing you luck with her and future happiness. .

I have. And I’ve read posts from regretful parents on here.

Only way to shut them up without causing a lot of angst. I wouldn't have siad it if there was no truth to it but once they started after number 3 I'd just had enough.

I am also CF and completely agree with your reasoning about why you don't want kids (not that you need to justify yourself) but you are coming across as very cold and black/white thinking in being apparently completely unable to understand your mum's pov or sympathise with why she is upset.

You are annoyed at her for not understanding that people are different and see value in/gain happiness from different things but ironically you are doing exactly the same thing. I don't understand how you can't 'see' that just because you don't want kids and don't think they would add meaning or joy or whatever to your life, others don't feel the same. Of course you aren't fussed about not having grandchildren if you don't want kids! The difference is that that is a choice YOU have made, whereas the chance to not have grandchildren isn't one she has made - if anything by having 4 kids herself she tried her best to make sure she would have them, so it's understandable she would feel upset at the future she has envisioned not coming to pass, not to mention other complicated feelings - concern there won't be younger people to help her when she's older, that she'll be lonely, that her genes won't carry on, that in 1 generation she might not be remembered by anyone, etc. Lots of people share those views, just because you don't doesn't mean she is irrational.

As I said, I am CF but I'm able to understand that for some, even many/most people, their kids are THE most important thing and best achievement, in their entire lives, and far more interesting to them and bring them more satisfaction and happiness than a job or friends or hobbies or whatever - their kids are grandkids are a huge, even the most important part of them 'living their lives.'

Intellectually, morally, etc. of course you are 'right' and you don't owe her grandchildren. But this is your mum, if you can't put aside logic and reason to understand emotion you come across as very heartless.

Of course that doesn't mean any of you owe her them or that she is in the right for nagging/guilt tripping etc. - I definitely don't agree with her actions, but just because you don't share them doesn't mean her feelings aren't valid.

I disagree. My experience of my parents and of the parents who I know is that their hopes and dreams are centred around their children being happy and successful in their chosen life. The ones I know don't define what that happiness and success will consist of. I wouldn't think a good parent would be defining "healthy societal norms" and expecting their children to conform to them. That way lies societal stagnation.

I think this rather proves my point.
You're telling me that if I had a baby I'd automatically love it, everything would fall into place, and that would be enough. That may well have been your experience and I'm pleased it was. But it isn't a guarantee and I don't think it's responsible to base such a huge decision on the hope that maternal instinct will simply appear.

The fact I recognise my own limitations isn't a lack of empathy it's self-awareness. I know myself well enough to know that I value my independence, my relationship, and the life we've built. I don't want to spend a few years not even a year of my life ever organising my life around school runs, childcare and putting someone else's needs first. Plenty of people do and that's wonderful. I don't.

I also don't think it's fair to say my mum would just become a free childminder or pay for childcare. Even if she offered, that's not why people should have children. You don't have a child because someone else might help raise them.

For me the question has never been, "Could I physically have a baby?" It's, "Do I genuinely want to dedicate my life to raising a child?"

The answer is no. Surely it's better to recognise that before bringing a child into the world than after.

To me, that's one of the most responsible and empathetic decisions someone can make.

feelings are feelings and always valid BUT you don't have to act on them or bang on about them

I never understand it when people say that not having children is individualistic and selfish though.
Having children, by nature of the time and resources it takes up, means that parents become selfish. They have to, to survive. If you need a favour, need care, need to borrow money, need someone to spend time with you, are you going to expect it from someone with children? Especially with young children. How likely do you think it would be that the OP could continue in a full time paediatrician role, serving the community, if she has children? How much do you think she'd continue helping the nieces and nephews and their parents?
I totally understand why people prioritise their own families, but for many it does mean withdrawing a little, and focusing just on their immediate family, being less available to friends or the community or the workforce because of that.