AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

[TwinklySeal]

My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

That's all quite dark. I expect it comes from a place of wanting to nurture and pass on experience and wisdom to young descendants - and also just to enjoy the general cuteness and joy of children.

Absolutely fine if the OP doesn't feel that way, but I think it's a bit harsh to reduce a natural instinct in the grandmother to bragging rights or a self-focused sense of failure.

I have been posting on MN for over a decade and have seen plenty.

There was one recently.

I would have thought it self evident. Disappointment is normal (although should be kept to herself) 'Devestation' is disproportionate and indicative of emotional disturbance.

There are hundreds. A very long thread in March about women who feel trapped and another quoting a BBC article about motherhood being a "trap you can't escape".

For some people having children is everything. For others, it is not. Whatever your choice it is okay. Your mum really needs to learn to wind her neck in.

You are not being harsh to her. You have stated your boundary and she is pushing you. If she brings it up again, I would leave. In the same way that you would treat a toddler:

“we’ll try again another time”

You do not owe anybody an explanation not your time. You also do not need to spend time around people who repeatedly disrespect boundaries and cause you upset. That includes those who have birthed you!

Also, countless threads from women who had awful childhoods because they were an inconvenience.

Try looking up the regretful parents subreddit. Or just try searching Mumsnet, there’s been plenty of threads by posters regretting parenthood.

Studies that have been done put the percentage of parents that regret having children at between 5-14%:

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37796606/

A study done on childfree individuals did not find them to be any more likely to experience life regret than parents:

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37018226/

I think I would have told her straight the first time she asked!

I think there are probably a couple of other bits in play here on OPs side:

1. Her mother has been bothering her about this for years and years and can’t accept ‘no’ for an answer. As someone who had a similar experience of being pressured about having kids (during a years long infertility saga so was incredibly painful) the OP has probably reached the absolute end of her tether on this and is just fed up of being constantly asked what sound like quite intrusive questions. TBH if anyone who was pressuring me to have kids had asked questions about my sex life they’d have been told to go forth… (that or get a blow by blow account of egg retrievals, fertility drugs and miscarriages which somehow I don’t think they would have wanted to hear!).
2. there are a cohort of parents who seem to think they have a god given right to right to grandchildren, put pressure on ppl to have those children and then do nothing to help support the incredibly difficult job of raising a small child while working. It is possibly one of the most selfish things in the world to expect someone to have a baby just to give you grandparent vibes. Raising kids is tough, exhaustive and expensive. Yes it’s also rewarding but expecting someone to have a baby just to fulfil you when you won’t be the one shouldering the work is selfish beyond belief. It might well be that OPs mother is not asking these questions from that position but rather a worry that she feels her daughter won’t be happy without children but she needs to back off and leave it alone. She has her answer now she needs to drop it.

In short OPs mother might have got some sympathy when she first realised her daughter didn’t want children but she doesn’t get it forever. She has to accept the decision that has been made or if she can’t do that at least only be upset with it in private and not continue to pressure her daughter.

You didn't meet my mother. It is a taboo, but she was remarkably open about it, including to us as children. Funnily enough I decided not to have my own.

The fact you met at uni, are doctors etc is not relevant unless you're trying to show that you're both intelligent and hope that gives weight to your decisions.

Your Mum is disappointed but that's something she needs to come to terms with.

Not sure how often you have told her your choice, but maybe you need to say it again, calmly, kindly and ask her not to mention it.

Some parents do see grandchildren as 'the future' and of course it's more common to have them than not. But it's not right she keeps talking to you about it.

If she feels at a loss herself, maybe she needs more things in her life now?

Same.

My mum was exactly like this after I got married. My dad would put his two penn'orth in as well, about people without kids spending all their money on themselves, and such remarks. Once, I said I didn't want kids and my mum said I would grow up eventually. I was 31 and married. It was horrible. They were completely relentless and I asked them to stop, but it fell on deaf ears. The only way to stop them would have been to have a massive falling-out about it. I was going to have another talk with them about it, but then my mum got diagnosed with terminal cancer, and the hassle stopped. Yes, that's what it took!!!

I don't know what to advise, OP. My parents had no intention of stopping, whatever I said. If people will not stop, and don't care that they might be upsetting you, you'll just have to take a step back if you don't want an almighty row.

ETA: My parents had no excuse for the pressure, because my sister had three kids! IME you can't do anything with people like this.

The point is she DOES understand. It doesn’t change the fact she doesn’t want children and her mother needs to stop with hints and guilt-tripping.
OP does not owe her grandchildren or needs to manage and counsel her disappointment.
Her mother needs to find a way to accept it and manage it.

Wow your refusal to understand why your mum is upset is crazy. Of course how your kids live their lives affects you and can cause you upset, without assuming that that is the centre of their lives and some kind of aberrent behaviour. What if you'd decided to take up a career in making porn films? It's legal, it could be financially lucrative, you could love it, but your mum could be upset as it isn't what she hoped for for you and because it is an unusual career move. This is the same thing - not that she's ashamed of you or whatever, which some might feel about a porn star child, but because how she pictured things is not how they are turning it out, and it factually is a very unusual decision. Especially that all of her children have chosen that. But you are right you don't owe her grand children and she needs to stop mithering you. You could though have nore empathy for her position, even as you shut her down on not having kids. You are coming across as lacking emotional intelligence in all your replies refusing to understand her feelings.

@TwinklySeal You say your mum has been resorting to asking about your sex life...we lived in a city centre flat, and mine resorted to asking when we were planning on buying a house outside the city. I knew it was a veiled question about when we were having kids, having been hammered about it so much before they thought of the house approach.

Oh god, and we were relaxing by a pool on holiday, and my mum kept up a relentless stream of pointing out children to me. "Look, Midget, look at that child with the blue swimsuit! Isn't she cute?" ALL AFTERNOON.

Solidarity. You're not the only one who has suffered from rabidly baby-crazy parents.

I think the OP snapped at her mum because she has been hammered relentlessly for a long time to do something that she doesn't want to do. Some people are really unsufferable. If you've never been hammered at like that on an ongoing basis, you might not get it.

Pretty sure OP understands why her mum is upset @Ocelotfeet27 but she's had years of her mum's constant mithering her about reproducing and her patience is wearing thin.

Sorry, I missed that bit!

You're right - I missed that.

You haven’t been reading carefully. There’s literally a new post there now from somebody saying they regret having a second child. Of course people post about it. And it will be a huge under representation as people are so scared of admitting it as it is a social taboo.

Your mum should absolutely work on accepting that you don’t want children. You don’t owe her grandchildren.

Having read your updates though, I do think you could work on your own empathy for someone who probably pictured an old age enjoying grandchildren (from four kids of her own it’s not unreasonable to think at least a couple might appear!) and now has to come to terms with a different life to the one she expected, entirely outside her control.

I dont understand how her pushing you to excel academically or in your career is linked to you not having children. Plenty of people with colourful careers in medicine and other similarly rated fields have children.

It’s fair enough that you don’t want children but linking it to her encouragement is unfair and doesn’t make sense.

I don’t think she’s trying to be mean or annoying. She’s concerned that you will wake up one day and realise you want a child. Or your DH will, and then leave you for a woman who can give him children because you’ll be too old by then.

When a couple say they dont want children, it’s often the case that it’s the choice of one, and other goes along with it consciously or otherwise. Very often, the second person regrets it. If it’s a man, they leave.

Course not, love, course not.

Theres a tonne of posts on here from people who regret having kids. And on Reddit.

Wow out of four children, none of you want kids? Did you have happy childhoods? That seems rather unusual, especially as you all have partners.