AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

[TwinklySeal]

My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

I‘m not sure why you think non western societies have access to some supposedly universal truth, as opposed to merely a different cultural perspective.

Funnily enough, plenty of people in more collective societies aspire to the individualism of the west (take it from me, as a woman born and raised in a non western country), and there are non western societies in which women are making the choice, for themselves, to not have children.

I am not sure why you are confused that your mum expected to have grandkids? Only 20% of women get to 45 without having any children. As she's had 4 kids, purely mathematically it is statistically unusual that she wont have any grandchildren.

Now, that doesn't mean she gets to be rude or impolite. You wouldn't be a very good mum and your husband doesn't like kids. You don't have the money to raise any kids. Those are three very good reasons not to have them. Your mum should accept that and butt out.

But I don't think that expecting your own children to have kids (providing zero pressure is applied) is unreasonable in itself.

These non Western cultures where it’s considered an obligation to give your parents children are also usually ones where women have little value or status outside of traditional family structures and a wife who does not produce children is seen as a burden.

Yeah. I'd rather not be a DiL in India, South Korea or Japan who has to move in with my husband's parents and clean for them, ta very much.

On a really basic primeval level your genetics die out/do not get directly passed on if you don't have grandkids. In 100 years they'll be none of your mum left on this earth in all likelihood. I can understand why she'd be upset about that!

I know you're not bothered, but she wants grandkids like an only child might long for a sibling or someone longs for a partner etc. It's a relationship she probably expected to have in her old age that she doesn't!

That doesn't at all mean it's your responsibility in any way, and I definitely don't think you should have kids you don't want, but I do have sympathy for her. My mum and my oldest daughter have such a special bond, it's a truly important relationship for both of them! And my mum is so delighted with having my DC in her life.

'Devestated' at not being a grandparent? Only if she is mentally unstable.

One of the biggest load of shit I’ve ever read
on here, and that takes some beating! 👏🏻

Explain how that makes her mentally unstable?

My mother was similarly obnoxious about children and has been known to ask strangers if they were pregnant ( they weren't), to lecture relatives on not allowing their child to be an "only" child and asking parents of one child why they didn't have any more. Every time we spoke on the phone she'd shout "are you pregnant yet" before I'd even said hello. I have one child. I lost my first with a missed miscarriage, then had my amazing "only" child and never conceived another. I am delighted with my child and consider him to be a precious gift. Tell your mother to cease with questioning others' choices. We don't all follow the same path.

You're right, if only the old trout in question understood that, OP wouldn't have started the thread and there wouldn't be hundreds of posts from arseholes proving that they don't understand your point either.

Does your mum have these same arguments with your siblings or just you?

Why do you feel your restricted social background through medical school was relevant?

It seems to me that aren't at all able to express empathy for the situation. This is probably why it has never been resolved.

We all have visions of what life will be like in future and it is very common for these to be changed. It is entirly normal for someone with four children to expect they are likely to be a grandparent. Equally it's normal for someone to travel lots with their husband to imagine doing this lots when retired. But I actually think not being able to travel with your husband when retired (due to illness, disability, death, divorce or a whole host of other possabilities) is more likely than not having one grandchild from four chidlren.

Your posts are surprisingly lacking in empathy for the mother who loves you. It’s striking how many of your posts are about how you know nothing about being a mother, and how terrible you would be at it. With all your education and age it’s hard to understand that you become a mother thru pregnancy and birth, that you don’t need experience, that you and your partner would love your baby like no other just because it’s your own, and that is all you need.

Your posts are very defensive. Sounds like your mother would be a free childminder and possible would financially contribute to nursery. My financial contribution to my children will be childcare. They don’t know this. I just think it’s the best help I can give if they can’t afford it.

I have children but I've always wanted to. I know plenty of lovely people that don't have children and (although I wouldn't swap my children for their lives) the freedom they have to follow their own interests or go on holiday, go out to eat at restaurants, whatever they want, is enviable. It's also different for men because most women with children naturally do more childcare and mental load stuff.

Oh OP im sorry you are dealing with this. I have children (after significant fertility issues) and I always wanted to be a mum and I completely believe that you can have a rich, happy life, full of meaning without kids! You are a doctor, spending your life helping people and society and you are certainly not selfish. People find all sorts of meaning in life and if you are happy and fulfilled that is an amazing achievement!
I think your mum is likely suffering from some grief at not being a grandmother and maybe mistakenly thinking you will eventually change your mind. I get its tough for her but I think you need to have a sit down with her again and explain that it is really upsetting you and you feel she does not value your life choices and everything you have achieved. Ultimately we all want our children to be happy and im sure your mum just wants you to be happy. Good luck and congratulations on your wedding! X

I agree with this.
My DDs are young adults, the eldest wants children very much. The youngest says she doesn’t, but is still a teenager. A few of my friends have grandchildren already and they are so happy and adore them, they have all restructured their lives to help as much as possible, even though they themselves have high powered jobs. It’s lovely to see how much they are enjoying it.
I would be honestly devastated not to have grandchildren. Partly to experience being a grandmother, and also to see things from my parents and grandparents going on into the future. Dh also really wants grandchildren. Of course we may never have them, and of course it is my daughters choice to make, but it is more of a big deal to many people than you understand OP. I have friends who will never have them and are extremely sad about that. Of course your Mum shouldn’t nag you about it, but she is probably unwilling to give up on that dream. My Dad did mention it quite frequently as I got older, I didn’t mind at all. Your Mum must be really shocked and sad that all four of her children may not have their own children, that’s quite an unusual situation to be in, and I think you should be more understanding of how she feels, as at some point she will have to give up hope unless one of your siblings changes their mind.

SHE DOESN'T WANT BABIES!

You are not being unreasonable, she needs to hear you, believe you and shut up. None of us has a right to grandchildren, I regard myself as very lucky to have them and see them. Have one friend who is deeply upset not to have them and can’t get past it but also a friend who has no gc but is very good to other’s gc. It isn’t for you to produce living dolls to occupy her in retirement, it is for her to find ways to fill her days.

it is nobody’s business . Why do people interfere in this way?

butt out!!

Does it seem like her pressure on you is coming from missing out on bragging rights in her social circles and being the odd one out?

Or does it go further than that and come from a place of shame that her peers may be judging her?

To the outside world it may seem she has failed as a mother if the four children she brought up have all unilaterally decided to pursue completely different life paths than the family-orientated one she provided.

That you four must have had bad experiences as children and that it has shaped you all to go against the grain.

Are you close to your siblings? Are you the only one that gets this pressure?

And I’m surrounded by women with regrets. Oddly I’ve never met a woman who regretted having a baby.

Ha. You mean you've never met one who would admit to a massive social taboo? I'm shocked.

So many of my friends have chosen not to have children. They're perfectly content in their careers, or want to travel, as you describe, last-minute and without having to consider childcare.

It is absolutely not selfish. You aren't hurting anyone. These are not selfish actions. It would be so much worse if you brought kids into the world without being sure you wanted them, like so many who speak of their regret.

You are doing the right thing and don't owe any explanations.

Well I have dc so I'm not pushing a barrow here, and I also agree with you it's a fairly natural desire for the mum to have grandchildren BUT if you are really going to go global view on the "how do our personal choices impact" question, none of us should be having children until we have righted the lack of resources on Earth.

That's an incredibly naive thing to say.

How many posts on here are from women saying they made a massive mistake having a child? This is an anonymous website.