AIBU to tell my mum to stop asking about grandchildren?

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My partner and I both turn 40 in August. We've been together since we were 18 we met at university both studying Medicine and have been together ever since. Medicine at uni has that sort of environment where everyone in the same cohort kind of just sticks together. Everything I did was to do with medicine, I played hockey but that was medicines hockey etc. In a way slightly culty.

We've built the life we wanted. We both have careers we genuinely love. we've bought a house, have a great group of friends and close relationships with our families.

We've never really wanted children. I had an abortion at 35, and if anything it confirmed what we already knew. We both realised parenthood wasn't for us. We wouldn't want to bring a child into the world unless we were 100% committed to it, and we're not. We enjoy our life as it is. We like the freedom of deciding on a random day to go away for the night, eating out, travelling, spending time with friends and our nieces and nephews, and focusing on our careers.

Some people might call that selfish. Maybe it is. I'd actually rather be "selfish" than have a child because it's expected and then resent the lifestyle change. Children deserve parents who desperately want them.

I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews and happily spend time with them, but loving other people's children has never translated into wanting my own. I've never had that maternal calling, I know I would be a terrible mother and at nearly 40 I think it's safe to say the maternal instinct is not suddenly going to appear.

We're getting married in August. Neither of us is particularly interested in marriage itself, but from a practical point of view (next of kin, legal protections etc.) it just makes sense. We're having a very small registry office wedding in London followed by a nice meal with close family and friends. Exactly what we want.

The issue is my mum.For years she's brought up grandchildren. Every conversation seems to circle back to babies. I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.Recently she said, "Well then what's the point of life?"

That has shocked me. As though our lives somehow have less value because we've made a different choice. I don't judge people who have children most of the people I love do but I don't understand why some people can't accept that not everyone wants the same life.Eventually I'd had enough and told her to stop bringing it up because the answer isn't changing and I don't want every visit turning into the same conversation.

Now she's upset and thinks I was harsh.
AIBU? Should I just let her keep hoping and politely shut it down every time, or is it reasonable to expect her to accept that at nearly 40, after over 2 decades together, we've made our decision and it isn't up for debate?

Even when I’m 50 she will go on and on about it. It’s making me want to see her less every single time she talks about. A close friend of mine had her first baby recently I went to see her and meet her son. I sent a photo of me holding her son to my mum (this friend had known me since we were 7 and our mums are good friends) and my mum instead decided to comment on what I’m apprently missing in my life. Even added that my partner and I should hurry.

What absolute drivel. "A switch that's pushed the minute we have children" - that is just laughable. Taking just this one website in isolation, the most vicious, vitriolic abuse comes from these "sympathetic mothers" of which you speak. I can't actually believe you wrote that.

This is such bilge. I couldn’t have children and I really don’t give two hoots about my “legacy” or the end of my bloodline! The here and now is what matters to me.

I had my four kids comparatively young, I didn't want to be an old mum. My kids, my choice. Now, I'm over 60, retired and not a single glimpse of a grandchild anywhere on the horizon, despite three children being married or having longer term partners.

I would NEVER question them about this. Do I want grandchildren? Yes, I'd love some, preferably before I'm too old to have fun with them. But, it's just not my choice and it's not a topic I would ever raise. My husband has brought it up a couple of times and when he has, as soon as everyone was out of earshot I've told him not to say a word.

YANBU at all, telling her once should be enough, I am someone who chose to have children, I’ve had two and my second is my last, my sister is 23 and she openly said last year she doesn’t want children, she’s much younger than you but none of us have questioned her or given the ‘you might change your mind lecture’ because it’s her life, she’s great with my kids and plays with them constantly, but isn’t a maternal person and isn’t interested in anything past the fun parts.
Not wanting children isn’t selfish at all, having children you didn’t want just because you think you should is the selfish action, in my opinion you weren’t harsh enough, I know she’s your mother, but at this point it needs completely shutting down. And in response to her ‘what is the point in life’ statement, tell her the point is to enjoy it while you’re here and that’s what you’re doing, and she should be thinking of her own child’s wants and respecting your decisions, instead of hypothetical grandchildren

Yearning for grandchildren is a weird thing because it is a real feeling but one you have no control over. I don’t know if she has other grandchildren in which case I guess it’s not that, or if she doesn’t and desperately wants them but isn’t handling it well.

I have some empathy for that yearning as I do for people who want to be parents and can’t . But also. She can’t behave this way and you do have to be firm. It’s your life and she has to accept and respect that, sad though she might be. Her behaviour isn’t reasonable and you need to keep telling her that. It’s ok to accept that that makes her sad but also to tell her to stop this now.

Yes, I have seen some absolutely horrible comments on here from mothers to women struggling with infertility.

Say to her that not everybody wants children, that does not make their lives pointless. She wanted to be a parent, that was her choice, and great that she found it fulfilling. But your life is yours and your choices are not the same as hers. No doubt she would love a grandchild, but we can’t all have everything we want, especially if it depends on someone else’s choices.She has a healthy ,successful daughter, she has been very blessed, more than many. Tell her to be grateful.

It's in the OP's first post.

I've repeatedly told her we're not having children and that the subject is closed.

She clearly hasn't met my mother.

She shouldn't pressure you to have kids. But the photo was a bit cruel. She's got four children, no grandchildren and your photo was a bit "here's what you could have had".

It's difficult to explain how it feels to have kids if you don't have them. It doesn't mean that it's lesser or anything like that and I was perfectly happy before kids. But once you've had them it's a significant change in your life. Your mum has seen this and is just sad. But you can still tell her that her comments upset you.

You do go on an awful lot about being a doctor and I don't see how it's relevant? The first paragraph is just bizaare. I've got lots of friends that are doctors who seem to mix with the general population. Is it just a humble brag?

That's you. Other people are allowed to have different feelings from you without it being bilge. How obnoxious to call it that.

Mothers tend to naturally sympathetic. It’s a switch that’s pushed the minute we have children.

Bollocks is it. For some it is, for others it isn't. I'm a mother. I had no instant switch.

same here. And talking about "my bloodline" just sounds silly

Just to say that you sound like a brilliant mum and she’s very lucky to have you.

Your question is essentially was I unreasonable to snap.

IMO, it's neither here nor there if you were being harsh or not- she was, at best, rude to keep asking and at worst, being a bad mother for being unsupportive of your response and decision.

Out of interest, do you think she is measurably a good and consistent mum? I only ask because my mum was baby-mad and once said to me something like "why would you have a baby and then put them in childcare!?" She then went on to say she would do my childcare, which was, in truth, more because she likes babies than parenting: in any measurable way, she was fab at the baby stage but not good with teens and adults (she essentially lost interest).

So i suppose my advice to you is to accept that she is flawed as a person and as a mother to an adult daughter but thst she is unlikely to recognise that she herself may not be the exceptional mother she thinks she is, just because she loves babies but isn't supporting her own adult daughter in her adult decisions because they don't suit her.

Mothers tend to naturally sympathetic. It’s a switch that’s pushed the minute we have children. I’m sorry but this is such nonsense.

Someone who couldn’t have children here and wanted them - tell your Mum thanks for commenting that my life is pointless. Obviously I know it isn’t but that’s what she is saying. What if you couldn’t have children, would she make the same remarks? She has to respect your wishes - tell her to back the fuck off.

It’s very hard for people of her generation (and many younger people too) to understand this point of view. But you don’t need to make her understand, just respect that you have a different perspective and won’t be convinced otherwise. Have a gentle chat, tell her you are never going to have children and she needs to make her peace, then ask her to stop bringing it up. Everytime she does, remind her that she can’t.
And give her a little time to grieve the life and future she imagined, but don’t let her make you feel guilty for that.

And I’m not a Mum and I have deep empathy for others. Utter bollocks. Well done @Slightyamusedandsilly here here.

I was lucky enough to be sympathetic before I had children. Perhaps my switch wasn't located in my uterus?

She said they don't have enough money. It's in her last post before yours.

You will probably find that as you hit your early 40s most will just assume it's not happening. I'm 41 and already have peri symptoms. You shouldn't have to but I would feel like telling her the ship has physically sailed and not elaborate just to shut her up. For all she knows your DH has had a vasectomy or you're barely ovulating.

It also clearly doesn’t apply in the case of the DM here who cannot accept her daughter’s choices and persists in telling her that her life is meaningless. So that sorta disproves it.

It's completely normal and she is obviously heartbroken. We've been brainwashed by modern culture into thinking there's something wrong in wanting your genetic legacy to continue, to pass on your culture and heritage, to see everything we've built passed on to our offspring and their offspring. Etc. If you have decided to abruptly halt your family legacy and undermine all your parents' investments in you and break their hearts, then you need to be the one to deal with the consequences of that.

Hello Andrew Tate, is that you?