To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

If she's that verbally abusive to you why do you think she's being so reasonable about the holiday especially considering you've lied?

On the outside looking through your posts it does seem reasonable she have contact details just in case and a meeting. From your last couple of posts I can see why you'd be worried which is why I'm wondering why she's being so reasonable?

Also, what does your girlfriend think of your exs requests? I don't think you've said.

Yeah I wouldn’t send my three year old dd on a holiday with a woman I hadn’t at least been introduced to - you f’k’ed up here. You shouldn’t take her on this trip

But you don’t actually do you? You could take her on holiday just the two of you but you don’t want to.

your ex is being more than reasonable given your lies - going down the legal route next time you want to go on holiday is a ridiculous idea given she has consented this time

I don't know the ins and outs of what's gone on with your ex, obviously, but for what it's worth I don't agree with women who use the child as a weapon. You should absolutely have the right to take your child on holiday, she is partly yours. It must feel quite galling having to ask permission/beg. We went through some really difficult times with my husband's ex wife, I could give you a long list of stunts that she used to pull. You've held your hands up, you know you shouldn't have lied, not your wisest decision to lie because if she's as bad as you say she is then she'll obviously use it against you. Be squeaky clean from now on, give her no more ammunition.

What's your objection to her having contact details for your gf, do you think she'll abuse her?

Your living and custody arrangements are totally relevant to the discussion. Because your ex carries a significant burden disproportionate to yours:

• she's the one who had to make nursery drop offs AND collect every day, with the extra stress that comes with it, the arrangements with her work which probably have a cost in terms of either salary, career advancement, opportunity or job satisfaction
• She's the one who has to make all medical etc appointements and fit them into her schedule
• She's the one who had to do a second shift after her work shift every day and doesn't have the option to relax or even have a shower or poo in peace until late
• She's the one whose sleep is more often disturbed if your daughter has a nightmare etc...
• Her opportunities to date someone new and move on/have fantastic shags are severely restricted by being free only 4 days a month

All of this does breed resentment and affects how she interacts with you, how willing she is to compromise. I'm pretty sure if you were to take a more active part in your daughter's life and reduce her burden, your relationship with your ex will massively improve.

The thing that’s confusing everyone is that what she has said is reasonable (she wants to meet the other person who will be looking after her child and have their contact details) especially reasonable considering the outright lies and other attempts to hide the truth from her, and what you have said is not (that makes you uncomfortable and going without her isn’t an option).

So it comes across that you want us to think she’s abusive, but the evidence (just by what you have said yourself) is that she is not.

“I know for next time not to come on here “ - sounds like you didn’t enjoy hearing the truth, @jj3457. It is entirely your choice where you ask these questions, but surely it is better to hear the unvarnished truth than to have people just agree with you - it’s the only way you are going to learn what you are doing wrong.

I will be honest, you sound like a petulant child who has been told No.

I wouldn't have an issue with you taking our child on holiday, but the lying would worry me. I don't think your ex is unreasonable in waiting details for your GF and to speak to her. In fact that sounds like she's ok with you going? But I'm so against lying that for me I would worry more about why you'd lied in the first place.

If she is verbally abusive and unreasonable and etc etc, why would you not go court to gain more time with your child? Why leave them mostly in this person’s care? Surely if she is that bad, you would seek 50-50 which is the default? Either you’re not telling the truth about her or you’re not a great dad. I don’t see any other option?

Was she calling you names out of the blue for no reason or was it because she had just discovered that you had told her a pack of lies about your Mum going on the holiday with you?

And were/are you a fucking bastard to her? Did you dump her and her tiny child to shag some random? And you expect her to be nice to you despite the way you've treated her? You sure shagged around very, very quickly indeed. Your daughter should be living in a two parent home with her mother and father.

You get to see your daughter, you're not hard done by. But you want your tiny daughter to sleep in a room with a strange woman while away from her mother - and you lied to try to get that.

Caring fathers don't want that for their children. You could easily have taken your daughter on a holiday yourself, but you wanted to please the nanny with the fanny you've lined up.

You're right, you shouldn't hang out where women who can see right through you have the power to tell you what they see.

And please, no yarns about the mother now. If you had anything real to try to demean her in our eyes you'd have led with that.

I suspect @jj3457 is going to refuse his ex’s entirely reasonable request for contact details and a chat with the woman who will be helping care for her child on holiday, and will then play the victim when his ex refuses to let him take the child abroad.

He does not want to accept that the whole thing is completely within his control - all he has to do is agree to the reasonable request. He doesn’t want to see how accommodating his ex is being - she is overlooking the massive lie he told about the holiday and isn’t refusing it out of hand - all she wants is a conversation with, and the contact details of his girlfriend.

He is stamping his feet and accusing his ex of interfering in his private life - but despite many of us telling him, he either can’t or won’t see that his ex is only interested in her child’s safety, and knowing who she is going to be spending a holiday with - and she has every right to be concerned about this.

She probably just wants to check with this woman that she is actually going to Spain and on what days etc, since she can’t trust anything that comes out of her ex’s mouth.

Probably called him. A fucking bastard as she found out his lie 🤷🏻‍♀️ or messed around contact days. Or didn’t pay his maintenance on time/in full.

Wasn’t it just last weekend that she found out your mum was on a cruise and therefore you were lying to her about taking your dd on holiday with your mum, so her dd was going on some holiday you had no idea about as what she knew was clearly a pack of lies? Fucking bastard sounds moderate in those circumstances.

.

This. Exes don’t get to decide whether they are ok with new partners unless there is a safeguarding issue.

This has been done very badly with the lie which has given the ex plenty of ammunition. Might just have to lump it on this occasion and get a court order for future holidays.

But you’re not. You’re just a father wanting to take his DD on holiday WITH his current squeeze. If you want to go away with your DD, that’s easy! It’s your GF that’s the issue.

Many adults wait years before holidaying with their kids and new partners. You obviously split up with your ex when your DD was still a baby (under two) and you’re just expecting too much too soon.

And I love this "held up my hands" nonsense. First, no he didn't, he just got caught and second, who cares if he's graciously admitting to being a lying dick? It doesn't change the fact that he lied to the mother of his child about a safety and wellbeing issue - mothers don't generally like handing their tiny children over to absolute strangers their father is shagging, even if it does suit daddy dearest.

And how on earth is she supposed to trust him now? The nanny with a fanny he's trying to line up could be a meth head for all the mother knows, and it's not like she can trust him to tell her the truth.

Yep, and he wants the poor wee mite to sleep in a room with some woman he's shagging. Why? Why on earth would he want that? She'll obviously want her mum and he'll obviously want to shag the woman he's currently shacked up with.

It doesn't benefit anybody for the current shag and his daughter to have to holiday together - except the man who deserted his baby when she was an infant.

Did she call you a fucking bastard out of the blue? If so, that's out of order.

Did you do, or not do, something that perhaps didn't warrant that reaction from your daughter's mother?

Or did you do something that made her so exasperated that she called you that?

Without any further context you might be right and she is abusive. Or you might have been verbally abusive first.

Who knows 🤷‍♀️

I had some sympathy initially, but you're being stroppy, quick to anger and refusing to accept there's more than one pov here.

You won't be able to simply 'get a court order' - you can apply for one but you'll have to do mediation first. If this is unsuccessful a judge will decide whether the holiday is in your daughters best interest, taking everything into account eg itinerary, who is going, who your child usually resides with, her usual routine, her age. They might well decide that it is not.

The judge won't give a shiny shit about you wanting to keep your personal life secret from your daughters mum and it will be expensive, stressful and time consuming.

It would be much easier to simply have the chat with your ex and gf that has been requested.

Erm no. The child is in the care of the father, not the girlfriend. The ex’s request to meet her is not unreasonable at all but she doesn’t get to dictate.

Having supported my partner through hell with a vile, abusive ex I’m disgusted (but not surprised) by the amount of women on here who believe the mother is more important and entitled to dictate any situation involving their joint child.

As for the ex only being interested in her child’s safety, don’t make me laugh. So many mothers use their kids as pawns in a separation, and are so desperate for control they’ll demand to have the final say on everything. Only on MN can the mother wear a halo and do no wrong.

@jj3457 if you think your ex is being reasonable in wanting to meet your partner then go ahead. There is no need for the ex to have your partners number unless your partner is comfortable with this. Your child is in YOUR care not your partner’s, despite what MN might think. If your ex is abusive then you should probably look into a court order. One thing though - don’t lie again!

Theres a Discord group called Dads with Kids who were so supportive when my partner was going through the mill. If you are genuinely a good dad then they will offer you support, if you’re an arse though then don’t bother.

I’m disgusted (but not surprised) by the amount of women on here who believe the mother is more important and entitled to dictate any situation involving their joint child.

I find it quite laughable that someone could write that this child's mother isn't more important. This man sees his child a handful of times a month and yet seems to think his right to a holiday with his infant child is more important than his daily responsibilities towards her. The only one causing conflict in the co-parenting relationship in this situation is the child's father.