To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

Why are you “not comfortable “ with your ex meeting the person her child will be spending time in a foreign country with? Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Not a chance in hell. I wouldn't let you take her now!If it were me! A three year old, sharing a room with a stranger to her mum!! You told lies to get your own way. That's awful. I would now be afraid you were going to abduct the little one.
You're best bet is to just have your holiday with the new partner , then arrange a holiday in the U.K. for you and your daughter. Her mum will see that you are trying to make things right and might soften a bit more about letting you take your daughter abroad next year. Maybe try to let her meet your new partner before that too!

To be fair, a quarter of the thread is you repeating your opinion. I don't remember seeing that person before on this thread.

For that it's worth, yes, I would suggest you share all the details of where you will be staying, etc with your ex - even if you are the most fabulous father (which I hope you are), she will no doubt be worried about her/your daughter going away. And I really hope a conversation with your gf alleviates her worries. I hope you all have a lovely week away.

Love that your ‘take home’ from this thread was to try and get a court order for future holidays.

Not-
move closer to your child,
not lie to child’s mother,
be open and honest about adults spending significant time with your child,
spend more time 1:1 with child,
better communication with mother of child,
build up slowly to aim for abroad holidays in the future with the child,
have first abroad holiday just you and child

no- court order, that’ll fix it!

👏 great work.

She deserves to know who's in the house her daughter is spending the weekend at.
Yes, you do not owe people details of your personal life. But having a child together automatically predisposed you to that, you guys will always be in each other's lives, there's nothing anyone can do about that. You can only be more civil and kind to each other the way you go about it.

I've read all your posts and your ex's demands are not outrageous at all, they're basics! Your daughter is only 3! Only 3! I think you're forgetting that, and a court order for future trips wouldn't be issued unreasonably I believe.
Any responsible adult will not feel at ease that another stranger will be in the same space with their child for days, you know and trust your partner, your ex does not! And she cannot extend the knowledge & trust of you unto your partner automatically.
Let's be reasonable please.

Then you should pay more attention. And not exaggerated so much, it weakens your argument.

It's completely normal for fathers who have EOW access to take their children away for an annual holiday or two. The judge won't have to be "impressed" they'll just have to consider it good for the child, which they almost certainly will unless there is something we haven't been told about on this thread.

Fathers who only see their children EOW are deadbeats. They don’t deserve to take their kids on holiday.

OP It appears you have little regard for your daughter’s safety and wellbeing. And even less common sense. Obviously you would want to meet your ex’s partner that your 3 year old is hanging out with?!

Your daughter may know your gf but what are the sleeping arrangements? I’m assuming you’re all in the same room? I wouldn’t be happy about this at all.

If the shoe was on the other foot, my MALE partner wouldn’t be happy about any of this either.

5 days is a very long time for a 3 year old without their mother. Firstly it’s a considerable change to the length of the usual stay, then you’re going abroad, and a new unfamiliar location, usual home, and sleeping arrangements.

Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t do well on the trip, as she is bound to have very big emotions about all of this in addition to missing her mother.

This is another reason most people on the thread are concerned, because of experience and knowledge, and not because they are man haters.

This isn’t even taking into account the MAMMOTH LIE about something very important. If I were your ex there is no way you would be going away, as it is a huge deception and makes you seem untrustworthy. As you were putting yourself ahead of your child.

Another idiot man thinking they can do whatever with no consequences 🙄

Err, yes. She has to give consent and you can't give informed consent when you have not been informed of the facts.

And she wasn't because you chose to lie.

I'd be wondering what else you've lied about. Quite frankly I'd be more concerned if your child's mother wasn't bothered about her daughter going away with a liar and a woman she'd never met.

You’ve hit the nail on the head here. Abusive and controlling men feel so entitled to the “consent” bit that they think the “informed” part can be twisted or avoided however they like in order to obtain the consent.

This thread is an absolute embarrassment. No wonder people laugh at Mumsnet and the 'type' of people who post on it. Look at you all clawing at each other and the OP.

Nope you lied. Not only have you lied, you are trying to introduce your child to another women behind your daughters mum back. Nope, I would never believe or trust you again. Sorry

And you are better than that… how?

It doesn't really matter whether you are comfortable with it at this stage. You failed to take the necessary steps to arrange for your daughter to be able to go with you without resorting to lying about it.
You now don't have the time to take the legal steps available to you so you either accept the conditions or you go without your dd 🤷‍♀️

I don't think its unreasonable at all for you to take your dd on holiday with you. I don't think it's a bad thing for her mother to have the contact details of the other person who will be there.

As far as wanting a 'brief conversation' with your girlfriend, considering YOU lied to her, she may want to confirm that you've been truthful now. In a situation such as going away for the longest time her dd has been away from her, I find it reasonable to want to speak to her. No reason they can't have a cuppa together before you go if they both want to. Unless there is a reason you need to keep these two women apart 🤔

Here we go. Another lying dad looking for sympathy. Fucking yawn

Fortunately, we were discussing a family court judge's opinion, not yours or even mine.

Lots of women fight hard to keep younger children with them primarily with fathers getting only EOW access because they believe it is in the best interests of the child to have a single main home.

And what a horrible attitude to deny a child a holiday on the basis the father doesn't deserve to take them.

And what a horrible attitude to deny a child a holiday on the basis the father doesn't deserve to take them.

Boohoo 🤣🤣🤣

He’s proven he is a liar, hardly parents and doesn’t want to be mature, open and honest with the mother of his child. So yes, he doesn’t deserve to take his daughter on holiday.

Hopefully the potential family court judge will see right through him.

It is very much an option, but I think you’ll probably have to go without your daughter this time.

You lied about something big; your ex now doesn’t trust you. You can only learn from your mistake.

Asking questions like this when it’s YOU who has been dishonest says it all!!

YOU are a massive red flag. Funny how you can re about the rules when you think they will help you.

No court land would agree that a father who has already moved on to another victim when child is a toddler of only 3 should be abroad with a new partner. It isn’t in the child’s best interests. Even less so, a lying father who deceives for his own gain.

It’s great you’ve been caught out. I suspect the deceit would also count against you re visitation now too.

What would you lie for?

You sound awful. Ex and daughter are better off out of it when it comes to you. Bet ex is relieved to have got rid! Leave them alone. You clearly don’t care about daughter if you feel the need to take the next partner on holiday rather than enjoying time with your little girl. Doesn’t matter how ‘friendly’ you think they are. Why should your daughter share you? You are her father, act like it.

Normal people wouldn’t have lied, wouldn’t have expected a toddler to be away from her mother so long, wouldn’t have expected a toddler to keep a secret like that….and would have enjoyed a break with their own child NOT taking the next girlfriend as well.

You sound utterly deluded.

Bizarre.

(As an aside, my partner had similar, his father moved on shockingly quickly (v similar timeline to your own actually) rammed new woman down husbands throat when he was so young. They are still together. We have cut contact and his father has never met most his own grandchildren. Your crappy actions can have impact for generations. Worth thinking about as you book flights and secret trips designed to deceive the mother of your child. Everything you do should be to put her at ease, not pushing the ‘legal’ excuse. Shame on you.)

It DOES sound more than reasonable but this poster is utterly unreasonable.
i would not be letting him take my child to the chippy without a court reviewing his deceit!

He needs urgent therapy, it’s all about him and his rights, nothing to do with the child or the mothers needs.

He sounds hideous. What is the gf hanging about in his deceit for? Is he rich?! 🤣🤣

Not really! He is clearly more interested in the gf than the child!

If not he would have

1- taken the child on his own to enjoy time with her, or

2- been honest from the start!

deadbeat is 100% accurate here!

@jj3457 "It’s funny how I’m being labelled as “abusive” when actually my ex will often verbally abuse me when she’s not happy about things. Perhaps this will give some of you an insight into why I wasn’t truthful in the first place."
So you leave your child 26/30 days a month with a woman who is so abusive that a grown man is afraid to tell her the truth? 🤔
I hope your girlfriend wasn't too upset when you told her that you were only able to take your daughter on holiday and she'd have to be your priority? After all who knows what could happen if she was alone with your verbally abusive ex?