To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

Of course, children should have contact with both parents and there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to take your child on holiday if you both share custody.
However the lying and deception is a big red flag and you'll probably struggle to move forward from this. Why did you lie? Is there a reason why she wouldn't want her to be on holiday with your child?

This is sad because you’re in charge of where you live and you’ve chosen to live so far from your daughter that you don’t get to see her often.

I’m not aware of your circumstances, but I think you’ll regret that decision later on when you’ve missed out on so much.

You are being incredibly unreasonable. You lied to her about who you are going with because ‘she wouldn’t let you go if she knew’ - and she was OK with it. So you are judging her more harshly than she is portraying herself.

All she wants is to know the person who her child is going on holiday with. A phone number, maybe a quick convo. In what world is this unreasonable behaviour? We are taking about a 3 year old child, not a 16 year old

And moreover, talking about fucking court order for the future just because she wants to say hi

It’s mad that blokes will learn to not lie like this later in life. How did you not realise she would find out? Come on now. Very immature behaviour. Surely you learned as a child that lies are bad.

Whilst I have some sympathy, try imagining that your partner is male and you can see why ex might worry.

As it is, your partner might be superb with your DD or not. You telling an initial lie has made it seem very dodgy.

I think the only hope is to ask ex for a proper conversation in which you apologise and acknowledge your mistake. Offer her the chance to meet partner and to know more about her.

If that doesn’t work you might have to book separate holidays and take your daughter alone.

If you’d given this time and let ex know more about partner you might have had a chance.

You weren’t going to get away with it- unless you were instructing your dad to lie - which you must see is pretty terrible.

Eat a good deal of humble pie and try and put it right but be prepared that you might be going on separate holidays with dp and dd.

I know break ups are emotional and we don’t always act well but in future think things through a bit. By all means come here for advice BEFORE you do something like this again!

Poor kid. Poor ex.

Man who is too weak to have integrity or face robust challenge from ex lies like a naughty child and then wants MN to help him out to take his dd on holiday (Disney dad style), but also so that he can still get his dick wet with side piece. Doesn't get the response he wants so rather than stepping up like a man and just doing the right thing for the child, or reassuring the mother of his child, reverts to sulky teenager mode and lashes out instead.

Imagine being a little girl growing up with this man-child as your male role model. 😞

I think you should consider things from a more neutral point of view. I don't think it's unreasonable that your ex has the contact details of all/any adult on the trip, in case of emergency. Think about it in reverse: if your ex was going away with a new man/woman, wouldn't you want to be able to get in touch with them, in case of emergency. You'd also want to have at least a level of relationship, as in 'hello, I'm Jane, and I'll be spending time with your little one. Is there anything I should know/you're worried about?' Let's all be adult and sensible about it. Your daughter is the one at the centre of this, and threatening Court Orders, etc., when they can be avoided, just makes life a bit easier.
Enjoy your holiday

Your ex is being super reasonable in simply asking for girlfriends contact details and a 'brief conversation' - I'm not sure why, if you have been together 18months, you haven't given her that courtesy already as I am sure your gf has and will be responsible for some element of care towards your dd at some point. Your dd is very young, your ex is simply risk assessing the situation - she hasn't said no. As a mother, I would not want my child going away with an adult I have never spoken to.

What on earth do ypu have to hide OP?

Of COURSE the mother of your THREE year old wants to know who is going to be with her for your holiday. You are being ridiculous.

It most certainly is an option, ring the travel company and cancel her place, you'll lose the money for her place, but you're going to lose it anyway if your daughter cant come right?

I mean why would you wait until you're going on holiday to tell your ex that you have a serious relationship of 18months? Is it that you would have continued the lie about being with your mum if she hadn't found out? That is really shady and for you to be threatening court orders in that case is laughable.

He is incapable. He is not really concerned about his child’s welfare or comfort. She is just an accessory. So it’s impossible for him to see it from the child’s or mother’s point of view. He just wants what he wants.

Classic male entitlement - all females around him must conform or they’re deemed ‘crazy’ or ‘abusive’ and rather than develop empathy, it’s easier to see them in court.

After the lie, I'd tell you no. Very foolish and suspicious.

I wouldn't want my 3 year old to go abroad with someone I had never met and a liar.

I assume your ex is aware that your daughter sees your partner regularly and has a good relationship with her? Therefore I don’t understand why you felt the need to lie to her? I think this is less about her thinking you don’t have a right to take her on holiday and more about lying about who your daughter is with - in another country as well. I’d be concerned too.

Just caught up with this.

I would absolutely not be letting my child go on holiday overseas with their father's girlfriend who I'd never met. The fact that the OP is 'uncomfortable' with his ex even having a brief conversation with this woman suggests he's either a massive control freak (red flags) or has something to hide (more red flags).

I know many won’t agree but I don’t understand why your ex needs your new partners contact details or to have a chat. Your ex partner trusted in you to have a child with you, yes you may not be together now. However she should trust in your judgement and making decisions for your daughter. If she didn’t trust you then you wouldn’t have access to your daughter at all. If my ex husband demanded to have contact details of my partner and to have a chat I would tell him where to go, definitely wouldn’t expect to do the same with a partner either. I trust him to keep my daughter safe and make good decisions around her. To repeat myself…if I didn’t then he wouldn’t have access to her at all.

This is a perfectly reasonable request by her DM, I don’t understand why you are not comfortable with it?

If you gave the tiniest shit about your tiny daughter's happiness you wouldn't want her sleeping in the same room as some random you're shagging while she misses her mum.

I sincerely hope you don't get to take her anywhere, because you're a liar and entirely self absorbed.

Because he's a controlling, self centred arsehole who doesn't actually care about his daughter's happiness, just getting what he sees as his "right" - since her mother, who cares for her child and knows her better than anyone in the world - dared to take her abroad he thinks some chick he's shagging should be able to sleep in a room with her because he says so.

Why the hell did he desert his wife and tiny daughter in the first place?

The one thing men who gave a single shit about their kids could do is stay with their mothers and protect their children.

He'll spin some yarn, but the reality is he dumped his tiny child and wife so he could bang some random. I hope her mother protects her child and does not let her go.

I totally agree with this post.

Yes you shouldn’t have lied but I can see why you did and I don’t actually think it’s major although you’d be best not to do it again to avoid further conflict.

There’s no reason here your daughter should miss out on a holiday with her dad. You have overnight contact already and no court order in place so clearly mum trusts you to look after your daughter and keep her safe.

Some of the posts here banging on about drowning and what if this or that emergency happens are OTT. Any of those things could happen at home while the child is being looked after by mum or dad. Coming up with the worst possible scenarios is not a reason to deny a child a holiday with their dad.

Yes you should let your ex know who is going on the trip and what country you’re going to but anything else is unnecessary.

Makes you wonder what he has told gf and if he worried ex will spill the beans

or not be the crazy jealous ex he may have portrayed

I’ve held my hands up and said I shouldn’t have lied and I have explained my reasons why I did it. I have a hard time co-parenting with my ex - she is hard to work with and is often verbally abusive. Just last weekend I had texts from her calling me a “f*cking bastard”. Despite all this, I’m still being labelled as “abusive” and “controlling” and whatever other names you want to call me. At the end of the day I am just a father wanting to take my daughter on holiday. I know for next time not to come on here!!

You've actually had a lot of support and helpful comments. The fact you're ignoring most of them and are choosing not to answer many of the questions you've been asked tells us a lot about you and the situation.