No acknowledgement 25 yr marriage

[Annie000]

25 years of marriage yesterday. 25 years. Been together over 35 years, six children, 8 grandchildren. My husband woke up yesterday and said 'ooh it's our anniversary isn't it? Fancy a quickie" . No card, flowers, no plans,no posts on his socials. Nada, nothing, zip. I admit I didn't do anything either, because I secretly hoped he would. Not that he ever does. He won't "waste" .only on cards and doesn't"go shopping '.AIBU expecting a little something, a bit of recognition for everything? All the years, all the work, raising the kids, doing EVERYTHING when it comes to holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know why I feel so fed up and disappointed, because this is what it's always been like. Not had a dinner or date night on over 4/5 years.
What should I do????????
What are your thoughts????
AIBU?????

@KrazyKatty

both of you can change this dynamic if you’re willing to put the effort in, but it will require constant ongoing effort from both parties.

I think that herein lies the crux of the matter. If it was as simple as saying, darling, I really like a thoughtful card and my favourite flowers and dinner out at X place to mark special occasions, OP might have worked this out 35 years ago.

It's the reciprocal effort that is lacking. Not the knowhow.

I understand what you're saying, and wanting, OP. But honestly if he's been like that for 35 years he isn't going to change is he. So what to do? I've been with DH 30 years, we plan things together. So if I'd like to go somewhere to celebrate an anniversary or whatever then I mention it when we're sitting chatting in the evening. We book it together - "Shall I book the hotel and you book the flights?" then I have a few suggestions on what we'd like to do and we have a rough plan. You probably need to accept that he's not going to do these big demonstrations of surprise that you want - either you can work round that if he has other great qualities, or you can moan about him (which just drags you down), or walk out (unlikely after 35 years I'd say).

I get it - and can only assume those who dont are either male or havent been married/ married long. Still at least he actually remembered the date.....

“no posts on his socials”

oh yes the real sign of true love 🙄

I can assure you I’m female and happily married.i still don’t know when our wedding anniversary is. It’s not some kind of indication of disengagement, only that anniversaries aren’t important to me.

You didn’t do anything, but he acknowledged the anniversary.

While I agree it’s a shame, if you’d got him a card and gift, and suggested going out to dinner to mark the occasion beforehand and he’d then not done anything and not wanted to go to dinner - then you could complain.

You can recover this with the words “Let’s go for a nice dinner!” , find a special
place locally and show him it and book it together.

Won’t that be better than sulking and feeling aggrieved? Don’t be petulant - be proactive.

Next time you can save yourself a lot of aggro with “It’s our 30th wedding anniversary next month! What shall we do to mark it? How about I book us into X” (insert name of nice hotel/ restaurant locally …)

Or everyone thinks that it’s pretty clear cut that if you didn’t do anything you can’t moan about him doing EXACTLY the same thing?

We've been married over 35 years, and for our anniversary we usually just swap cards. But for a big one, we'll agree in advance about some kind of trip away.... not because we really think it deserves a lot of fuss, but it just a good excuse to go somewhere nice.
But, as everyone says, you did nothing. Why is it up to your husband to make a fuss, when you can't be bothered. You want to be thanked fir all you have done, but why aren't you thanking him? Surely, a successful marriage is a 50/50 relationship?

Adding to my earlier post, some people don’t care that much about anniversaries and Valentine’s Day. I am like that. I forgot our fifth wedding anniversary and my husband was really hurt. I often forget Valentine’s Day and have to make a conscious effort to remember.

With the anniversary I felt awful - these things just aren’t something I find particularly relevant, I am busy thinking about other things (stressful job, kids) and they seem performative rather than important.

This year I also forgot but rescued it with a card I got during the day and the suggestion of a meal out the following week.

What did your six children arrange?

I think people are missing the point here.

The OP sounds like she's done a lot of general life admin, gift giving, organising for other people. I'd be very surprised if she hadn't also been doing all of that for members of his family as well, as women are often roped into doing.

She shouldn't have to spell out to him "I want you to give me / do something nice for me this year". I can bet that if she did, this would only give her more work to do with the response of 'Ok, well, what do you want to do then? How about you book something /buy something and I'll pay for it".

She also shouldn't flattered with the quickie suggestion. I would feel icky and disappointed with that in her shoes as well because it's clearly self-serving for him!

For once, she wanted him to think about how he could please her, put a smile on her face in a way that wasn't self-serving and that didn't result in her getting extra work to do. OP doesn't want to have to explain to him why he should be more thoughtful or generous with his time or efforts - this is something that should be inbuilt but obviously her husband is not this kind of person.

But you didn’t do anything either so it sounds as though both of you are happy to let your wedding anniversary pass without celebration. Many people do and that’s fine.

I think OP @Annie000 is fed up of doing everything ! She said - I’m not going to organize again and let him off by letting him ride off the coat tails of my effort . This is the point . How can you not see this ? It amazes me.
OP I’m so sorry people are answering you this way. Speak to him and explain you would like to celebrate and can you plan something together . If he then makes no effort you can asses for yourself how you want to move forward.

I agree. And I would also say that I feel sad for you. Sometimes someone who wants a bit of kindness and care from their partner and doesn’t get it might feel better if they get some from others, so the ‘just communicate’, ‘you married him’ crew aren’t really helping they’re just being unkind or smug because their marriages aren’t like that.

I’m sorry OP you deserve better. The thing is in some ways the mean crew are right even if their lack of empathy isn’t in that he’s not going to change suddenly unless you do. I’m guessing you’ve tried communicating for years and he has made an effort for a bit before falling back into apathy. Or he’s not even done that but just pushed back every time you’ve tried to assert what you need.

Have you tried to get support from others, like friends or family? You need someone in your life who will make you feel special. If you haven’t got anyone then you need to find better friends. Have you mentioned to your children that you’d like more fuss made for special occasions for example?

FWIW happy anniversary and please go and organised something special just for you!

I think the point she's making is that she already does so much in other ways that she resents that this would be (again), something she does that he doesn't reciprocate.

100% agree. As a mature, sensible couple, why do you care about this? My husband doesn't do social media at all (so he has no idea what's on mine) but, if he did, I would be mortified if he put something personal like an anniversary on there, for all the world to see. Tacky!

If you want to celebrate certain things in a specific way you need to first lead by example and make your expectations clear

so 2 weeks before “I’ve booked a restaurant for our anniversary and your gift has already arrived. Please don’t spend more than £50 on mine and if you need any ideas I have left my phone open here on a really good page “

because in 25 years if you haven’t got used to the idea that he does not see the need to spend money buying gifts to celebrate your marriage - he said happy anniversary ffs - you need to understand that he sees things differently

I mean why do you need a gift? You still got the husband ?

I don’t know why you’re getting a hard time on here, OP! Some posts trigger a weird response.

You clearly do everything for everyone in your family. And this time you secretly hoped he’d pull through with a romantic gesture to show you’re loved and appreciated.

You also probably knew he wouldn’t do that, which is why you didn’t get anything for him either. Presumably you tried to carry the romance and thoughtful gestures for many years and then thought why bother.

He’s a lazy, unappreciative arse! There’s literally no excuse for no card or present. The John Lewis website literally has a section with “Gifts for Her”.

In your shoes I think you have two options. Accept he doesn’t really give a shit about you or your expectations, and find joy in your own life and friends and coexist with him, never expecting more from him. Or you leave, but I’m not sure that always works out and why cause yourself financial hardship in later years if you have a comfortable home life.

P.s. I forgot to add that you should treat yourself! Buy yourself something that brings you joy! And if he asks, tell him you’re celebrating yourself and everything you’ve done for your family!

Empathy isn’t doing what YOU would like for the other person. It’s doing what THEY would like.

As mature, sensible person I’d have thought you’d have known that by now.

Absolutely this! You don’t buy a gift or make a gesture because you value that or want it. You recognise what is important to your partner and you do it for them!

Yes. Good point. If he still doesn’t do anything then you can see whether you want to maintain the status quo, find the support and appreciation from others and stop making such an effort for DH or even leave this relationship.

Oh golly gosh. Let’s see if we can tie that down for you a bit.

What was the weather like? Were you all hot and sweaty at the reception or wishing you had another layer on? Were there leaves on the trees or on the ground? Were female guests wearing coats and jackets or sleeveless with a scarf for later?

25 years, six kids, 8 grandchildren, and "fancy a quickie" was the extent of it. No wonder you're fed up, love - you're not being unreasonable, you're being human.
You've answered your own question really, haven't you - "this is what it's always been like." That's the bit that stings more than the anniversary itself. It's not really about one missed card or a bunch of flowers, it's the pattern of 4-5 years without so much as a date night, of you carrying all the emotional labour for every birthday, Christmas, and special occasion while yours goes unmarked.
A few things worth sitting with:

You hoped he'd surprise you, and that's not unreasonable. It's easy to feel silly for "waiting" for something you know from experience won't come, but that hope is just you wanting to be shown you matter.

But you did the same thing he did. You said yourself you didn't do anything either, secretly hoping he'd take the lead. And here's the thing - he might genuinely look at it the same way you do, seeing you not bothering and assuming that means you're not fussed either. Two people both quietly deciding "I won't be the one to make the effort" ends up looking exactly like two people who don't care, even if neither of you actually feels that way.

"Not wasting money on cards" isn't really about money. Six kids and 8 grandchildren in 25 years, and yet no card can be spared - that might say something about priority, but it's hard to know for certain when you were both a bit passive this time round.

This might be less about the day and more about the decades. One quiet anniversary, with both of you dropping the ball, is forgivable and possibly just a habit you've both fallen into rather than a sign either of you doesn't care. A longer pattern of you doing everything and him doing nothing for special occasions is still worth a proper, calm conversation - not accusatory, just honest: "I want us to both make an effort for each other, starting with next year, so neither of us assumes the other doesn't care."

You've spent 25 years doing everything for everyone else. Maybe next year, you both surprise each other instead of both quietly waiting to be surprised - and maybe start by just telling him plainly that you'd love more from him, rather than leaving him to guess.

I'm not sure what you were expecting any of us to "understand". I understood that you have always wanted special days to be celebrated in some way; your DH possibly thinks they're just markers and don't need to be made a fuss over. I would have expected that after 35 years of being with this person you would have realised that. I am like your DH. While my DH likes events to be noted or celebrated, I'm not bothered. To me, they're just points in a journey I suppose. We've been together for 30 years and most times I make a point to at least do something to let him know I remember. But sometimes I just forget or just give him a hug and say something. And I'm happy for him to do the same to me for whatever events come up. It's something we've learnt to accept about each other and at this point, we even laugh about it. It's certainly not something I'd consider required some drastic response (which your post sounds as if you're looking for permission to make).

@ChristmasCwtch absolutely right, some posts trigger a weird response because they're a bit close to the bone for a lot of people, but they'd rather not examine that too closely....