No acknowledgement 25 yr marriage

[Annie000]

25 years of marriage yesterday. 25 years. Been together over 35 years, six children, 8 grandchildren. My husband woke up yesterday and said 'ooh it's our anniversary isn't it? Fancy a quickie" . No card, flowers, no plans,no posts on his socials. Nada, nothing, zip. I admit I didn't do anything either, because I secretly hoped he would. Not that he ever does. He won't "waste" .only on cards and doesn't"go shopping '.AIBU expecting a little something, a bit of recognition for everything? All the years, all the work, raising the kids, doing EVERYTHING when it comes to holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know why I feel so fed up and disappointed, because this is what it's always been like. Not had a dinner or date night on over 4/5 years.
What should I do????????
What are your thoughts????
AIBU?????

I wouldn't have put up with this after one year so I can't really relate or understand why this has come as a surprise after 25. Have you actually communicated that you'd like him to do something? "Secretly hoping" is not exactly mature behaviour.

Exactly yes. I have needed to know the date I got married a number of times over the years. To say you don't know it is farcical to the extreme. Of course you know what date you got married. Stop being so silly. 😆

Dh and I say to each other a month or so before our anniversary "what shall we do for our anniversary?" We check in with "are we doing cards this year" communication is key. Why just sit saying nothing and expect your husband to act differently than hes always done. Why not say "i would like us to do cards and plan a night out/trip for our anniversary"
You husband probably thinks the status quo is fine and mutually agreed upon- we dont do anything at anniversaries.

Why have you not been out for a meal in 4 years??? Or done anything fun? Do you go on holiday?

The thing is - you've said it yourself: that you do everything in the marriage and you've done it for 25 years. Why would he suddenly change over night? And without you talking to him about it?

He's learnt that this behaviour is acceptable.

(It isn't acceptable by the way - but you can't expect someone to change their behaviour of 25 years magically!)

Why is there ALWAYS someone who says bollocks like this on here? I don't believe this for one minute, absolute tosh.

Yes Op, it's totally rubbish, however, you should plan these things together in advance. For 25 years you should have planned a holiday, imo. We always plan something and even celebrate our first date too.

It’s a bit late to do anything now, however, maybe in the future you could articulate your desire to do something to celebrate important occasions. How was he to know that you wanted to do something on this particular day when neither of you have made a big deal of these events in the past?

@Annie000 I get it, the constant load and thinking about everyone else. It's almost a straw / camel back situation. If you have access to his cash, book / buy something for you to think things through.

I had that with level of oblivion with XH - upon me telling him I wanted a divorce his response was "I knew things were bad but didnt think they were that bad".

I think this is on you to communicate, in advance, my husband frequently said birthdays aren't important you sont get to choose to be born, blah blah blah, he genuinely doesn't give a sod about them no matter how much effort I put in he didn't reciprocate. So before my 40th I said I see it as a way to show you care, so im asking you please to put some effort in. And he did. He took it completely on board and made the effort. But it took 21 years together of previous birthdays before I realised it was up to me to tell him what I needed him to do.

Fwiw its our 20 year anniversary in December and I expect sweet FA 🙄

If it’s “been like this for years” I’m not sure what you were expecting.
Id be disappointed if I was you but I don’t think I’d get to this stage. Have you ever spoken to him and said you want more effort? Gifts, surprises etc? I know you might feel like you shouldn’t have to spell it out, but to avoid future disappointment you might need to. My partner and I plan our anniversaries together, we usually go for a nice meal, a spa day, night away etc.

Haven’t you ever discussed that you’ve got a big anniversary coming up and how to celebrate?

I completely understand where you are coming from. A similar thing happened to me and it was all just part of the wake up call I needed to realise our marriage was not what I wanted any more and to initiate seperation. I really envy people whose partners show that they value them and would plan lovely birthdays and things. My husband didn'tbgive a moment's thought to anything like birthdays or Christmas or anniversaries and we likewise didn't go out ever unless I begged and organised it all. It felt almost humiliating to have to be the one to always always always initiate everything and for it to be met with such reluctance.

Except sex. He would initiate that!

It seems you are not compatible and you need to think through if this is how you want to feel for the rest of your life.

no posts on his socials

That really stuck out to me, why do you need that kind of validation?

@Motomum23 my husband was the same... didn't care about birthdays, never out any effort in. As my 50th was approaching I said that I felt quite different about this one and would love to do something this time, could he please try. The day came and absolutely nothing happened. No present, no plan. He just said on the morning that he could take the day off if I wanted to go somewhere for lunch and it was up to me where to go. Then he did his usual activity in the evening. I was gutted. My children were upset on my behalf as we didn't go out, no take away nothing. Oh I lie ... He got me a plant I really don't like. From Tesco, the night before my birthday. My children both said that I didn't like that sort of plant and he said that I was 50 now so would have to learn how to like them. Just awful.

So it doesn't always work to try to tell them to make the effort.

Why didn't you talk about it properly? And if you never do anything why do you think he suddenly does?

We never really celebrate. We did plan a couple of days away for our 25th in May but we talked about it from February onwards. It got cancelled when DH fell ill and we just got some cream tea (what we served at our wedding) in the afternoon with a trip to the A&E later in the day.

DH will forget his own birthday if DD and I wouldn't do something about it. He somehow manages to remember mine and DD's but we always do plans together.

A quickie sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Yeah it’s not the other stuff it’s the “fancy a quickie” bit that would tip me over the edge. We don’t do most of the stuff in your post but are generally considerate towards each other all the time. Anniversaries take on a whole level of meaning if you feel unappreciated and unvalued the rest of the year.

If you didn’t do anything either then it’s fine. It would be different if you’d planned a gift and meal and he didn’t bother reciprocating. I’ve never bothered to celebrate our anniversary I’m not sure why. But I am bothered about Mother’s Day and birthdays. Not so bothered about Christmas either really as I view it as something for the kids.

Communicate what you would like, you are not going to get it otherwise!

Perhaps he's thinking you're in mutual agreement over getting nothing as you got him nothing. Talk to him and tell him, remind him closer to the time next year.

Sure you don’t. Are you trying to win the coolest person on Mumsnet today.

I don't know why I feel so fed up and disappointed, because this is what it's always been like

You're fed up and disappointed, because this is what it's always been like. This isn't about an anniversary, it's about you reaching the point where you realise that what you've got isn't enough, it's not what you want. And that's understandable. It's ok to say, this is a bit shit and I don't want it, and make some changes.

Forget the fairytales. Do you think that nice things happen if you wish hard enough for them?? Life is not a magical ‘happy ever after’ once you get married, and partners are not magical beings who can read minds even after being together 35 years.

Sadly, your communication skills are very poor and your expectations completely unrealistic, as it currently stands.

The good news, is that both of you can change this dynamic if you’re willing to put the effort in, but it will require constant ongoing effort from both parties.

If I want something specific to happen, I speak to my DH using clear language, and often we’ll plan to do nice things together.

DH will buy me thoughtful gifts and cards because right at the beginning of our relationship, I set out my expectations clearly about the things I value and appreciate. It’s a second relationship for both of us so it was really important that we didn’t assume anything based on our previous partner’s interests.

To an outsider, it probably looks like my DH is Mr Wonderful, which he is, but it didn’t happen because I waved a magic wand.

You have to make time for each other to talk openly and listen carefully. Even just 5 minutes at the end of the day adds up over time.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and decide that you’re going to make lasting changes to benefit both of you.

No more passive agressive hints and sighs and if you feel yourself getting annoyed, stop and think about how YOU can influence changes to enhance your life.

Happy Anniversary!

Are they the only two reasons you think people might have voted YABU? Maybe you should read through the replies when this is less fresh/raw for you.

An anniversary is for both of you. I don’t understand predicting he won’t do anything, not arranging anything or discussing it, and then seething when inevitably nothing happens. We always discuss our anniversary plans beforehand

Jesus. The straw that broke the back of my sisters marriage was a blender purchased from a 24 hour supermarket on the way home from his hobby the night before her birthday. The blender that ended it all!